Adult jokes-Ice cream truck

When Betty hears about the death of her 96-year-old grandfather, she journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Grandma?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Grandma, two people who are nearly hundred years of age shouldn't be having s*x!" Betty exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

Commander

Judge Jenkins: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant : Commander Danny Wiliams.

Judge Jenkins: What does the "Commander" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name, not a damn thing.

Funny jokes-Straight

Jack, a young boy from St. Alban's, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word 'straight.' Jack did so without error.

'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jack, what does it mean?'

'Without water in it!' responded Jack immediately.

Adult jokes-Creating the Universe

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple org*sms..."

Practical jokes-Two electricians

Electricians Mike and Joe were working on a high voltage line. Mike stood on the pole and said to Joe:

“Hey, grab that wire on the right, please!”

“Got it!” said Joe

“Do you feel anything?” asked Mike

“No!” said Joe.

“Well then please be careful with the wire on the left! It has 40000 volts going through it!”