Very Funny Jokes

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Monday, January 26, 2015

Wasp sting

Bubba came running to the doc, writhing in pain. He said to the doc, "Help me please! I've been stung by a wasp!"

The doc said, "Nothing to worry. Let me put some anti-sting cream on it."

Bubba said, "How will you find the wasp? It would have traveled a long distance by now."

The doc said, "You misunderstood. I will apply some cream on the place you were stung."

Bubba said, "Place? I was stung next to a tree in the lawn."

The doc said, "No! What I mean it that the cream will be applied on your body part where the wasp stung you."

Bubba said, "The wasp stung me on my finger and it hurts!"

The doc asked, "Which one?"

Bubba answered, "How do I know? All them wasps look the same to me!"

Friday, January 23, 2015

Drunk Derrick

Derrick who was drunk beyond his wits, stumbled into the front door of a bar and asked the bartender to serve him a scotch. The bartender refused saying, "I am sorry sir, but you are too drunk. I cannot serve you anything."

After a while, Derrick appeared from the mens room and barely managing to keep himself steady, ordered his drink. The bartender said, "Sorry sir, but I have already told you, I cannot serve you."

After a couple of minutes, Derrick came in through the back door and said to the bartender, "Gimme a scotch please."

The bartender shook his head and said, "Sorry, but you are too sloshed."

Derrick scratched his head and said, "What on earth is going on? The last two places I went to said the same thing." 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

New airline policy

Mrs. Asher boarded a Kingfisher Airlines passenger flight.

Air-hostess: Welcome to Kingfisher Airlines, Madam. May I see your ticket?
Mrs. Asher : Ya, here it is.

Air-hostess: Your seat number is 15C. That will be 2 Pounds.
Mrs. Asher : 2 Pounds? What for?

Air-hostess: For showing you your seat.
Mrs. Asher : What? I already knew where to sit.

Air-hostess: We are now charging fees to show the seat. It's Kingfisher's new policy.
Mrs. Asher : That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I will not pay.

Air-hostess: Madam, would you like a seat on this flight or not?
Mrs. Asher : All right. I will pay. But I am going to file a complaint.

Air-hostess: Thanks. Do you want me to put your bag in the overhead compartment?
Mrs. Asher : Yes please.

Air-hostess: Ok, that's done. That will be 5 pounds please.
Mrs. Asher : What do you mean?

Air-hostess: Kingfisher now charges 5 pounds as assistance fee.
Mrs. Asher : This is blackmail. I will not tolerate this.

Air-hostess: If you do not pay, I will be forced to call the air security personnel.
Mrs. Asher : Call him. What will he do?

Air-hostess: Sure I can do that. But please be informed there is a fee of 10 pounds for calling the security personnel.
Mrs. Asher : Ok, take the 5 pounds. I can't believe this!!

Air-hostess: Thanks for cooperating. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Mrs. Asher : Yes. The air-conditioning does not seem to be working. Can you see what's wrong?

Air-hostess: It is working, madam. Just insert a 50 pence coin into the coin slot and you will get fresh air.
Mrs. Asher : Is Kingfisher charging me for cabin air???

Air-hostess: No madam. The stagnant cabin air is free of charge. You have to pay only for circulating air.
Mrs. Asher : I do not have any change. Can you give me change for a pound?

Air-hostess: Of course I can, Madam. Here is your 50 pence.
Mrs. Asher : What about the other 50?

Air-hostess: That's the charge for making change available to you.
Mrs. Asher : I just have 1 pound left with me after you fleeced me with all these ridiculous charges

Air-hostess: You'll need that to use the lavatory.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

W-H-A-C-K!

Derrick was a small guy having his drink in a bar, when the local bully Rex came along and gave him a BIG W-H-A-C-K, knocking him off his bar stool. Rex said to him, "That was a karate chop from China."

Derrick could do nothing, so he just took his seat again and started drinking. Suddenly, there was another W-H-A-C-K, and Derrick found himself on the floor again. The bully laughed and said, "That was a taekwondo move from Japan."

Derrick had had enough, so he left the bar quietly. He returned in an hour. He walked up behind Rex and gave him a loud W-H-A-C-K knocking the bully out cold.

Derrick said to the bartender, "When he is in his senses, tell him that's a hammer from Target."

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Camouflage suit

Rodney goes to an army store where rejects are sold. He asks the attendant for a camouflage suit.

The attendant replies, "We have the suits is stock, sir. The problem is we are unable to find them."

Monday, January 19, 2015

Boy and Girl

In the Apollo hospital, a little boy and a little girl were born. The little boy said to the little girl, "I am a boy and you are a girl."

The little girl asked, "How do you know??"

The little boy said, "Let the doctor & nurse leave the room. I will show you."

When they were alone, the little boy lifted his gown and said, "See for yourself...i have blue shoes and you have pink."

Friday, January 16, 2015

The solution

When news of the local politician, Mr. Mohan Prasad drowning in the river Ganges spread, my friend commented sarcastically, "I call that pollution."

So, I said, "What would you say if all the politicians drowned in the Ganges?"

My friend lost no time in saying, "I call that a solution."