arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

More on marriage!

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives!

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

By all means-Marry!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.-Anonymous

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?- Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."- Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."- Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

funny pictures

Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

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The eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

hanging wrong

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP"!

Secret of success

Sir, " What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank President.
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word.'
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience. "
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions ."

Grandma's pills

An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions.

As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age.

"Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?"

The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep."

The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!"

"Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night."

Think before you flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Bubba

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys' suin' them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' 'em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she for gittin burned by that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

I love you too..

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.
"Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Things the wife doesn't use

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to
bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you dont wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down
her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Do u always...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain.
He quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.

Jack & Jill

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on. So she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, " These are too large; they don't fit me." So Jack says," Exactly, I wear the pants in the family and I always will,
And don't you ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try mine on." So he does and says, " I can't get into your pants."

Then Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

Life!

In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.

The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said, "At conception, of course."

The Presbyterian Minister said, "NO, NO it's certainly begins at birth."

The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested, "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month."

They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly, "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!"

The 25th anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the three had even bothered to bring a gift. After the meal, for which he had been given the check, he took them aside.

"You're all grown men," he began, "and old enuff to hear this. Your Mother and I have never been legally married."

"What ???" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say that we're all bastards ?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." snapped the Father. "And cheap ones at that!"

difficult to say

1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

drunk man

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down.
At the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest Biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
Naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,... .... Go home, you're drunk!"

make me feel like a woman!

As a plane passed through a severe storm, the turbulence was awful,and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck bylightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the planeand screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feellike a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence.

Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Indiana stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as hewent, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

I have learned

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

Certain things in life!

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

the blonde

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am. Signed, The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was a note: "Here is the money. I can't believe you'd do this to a fellow blonde."

Pretending to be married

A man and a woman, both strangers to one another, boarded a crowded transcontinental train and were assigned to the same sleeping car.

Although they were both a little embarrassed at first, they were very tired and fell asleep fairly quickly --- he in the top bunk, and she in the lower one.

A little after midnight, the man woke up shivering. He reached down and gently shook the woman awake.

"I'm sorry to trouble you," he said. "I was wondering whether you might reach over to the cabinet and hand me a blanket. It's getting awfully chilly up here."

"I have a better idea," said the woman. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow!" exclaimed the man. "That sounds like a great idea."

"Fine," replied the woman. "Then get your own stupid blanket!"

Two minutes later, the man farted.

Best one-liners

Rodney Dangerfield' s 21 Best One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said,"Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chai

would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she' d want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence
HUSBAND: 'shit'

why he fired his secretary

On his forty-fifth birthday, a man wasn't feeling too hot that morning. He went to breakfast knowing his wife Would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" And would probably have a present for him.She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday"

He thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember".The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When he started to the office he was feeling pretty low and despondent. As he walked into his office, his secretary,Janet, said, "Good morning boss,Happy Birthday!"

So he felt a little better; someone had remembered.

He worked until noon. then Janet knocked on his door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me" He said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

They went to lunch. They went out into the country to a little private place.They had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

He said, "No, I guess not" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure" he excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of his friends.
All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch he sat.... NAKED.

Laws of the Universe

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to ITCH or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal.

3. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will STOP making it.

4. Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move FASTER than the one you are in now. (works every time).

5. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's UGLY.

6. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the TELEPHONE rings.

7. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it WILL.

8. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know WHAT you are talking about.

9. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is INVERSELY proportional to the reach.

10. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive LAST.

11. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you WILL have a flat tire.

ViralTags

Instructions:

1.) Copy and paste the matrix of “ViralTags” below courtesy of Founders Cafe

2.) Substitute the Host Tag and one of the “Viral Tags” in the matrix with your anchor text of choice with your blog’s URL. Please keep anchor text to a max of 3 words to keep the matrix size manageable.

3.) When you get a ping back(wordpress user) or a comment (blogspot user), from someone that has your link in one of their “Viral Tags”, practice good karma by copying his/her Host Tag’s anchor text (automatically the associated link will also be copied) and paste it over one of your “Viral Tags” below.

4.) Encourage and invite your readers to do the same and soon this can grow virally.

Host Tag: Humor Jokes

International City Travel | Asian Celebrity News | One Million Shirts | Tech at Hand | Rich Minx | Internet Marketing Austria | Ageless Beauty | Web 2.0 Tutorials | Technology Music Life | infokarir jobs | Manila Mom | Link Love | Blogging Money Secret | Internet Startup Blog | Web Design Blog | Daily Life Technology | Make Money Blogging | Steve’s Tech Blog | Agloco Internet Marketing | Daily Bulls Investing | Tech Gadgets Stocks | Affiliate Program | Computer Seventy-Five | Learn about e-Learning | Tech Hack Ramblings | Jack Book | Screen Writer Guy | Overseas Filipino Worker | Cool Advertisement | Startup Entrepreneur Money | Humor Photos | ViralTags | Earn Money Online | Really Smart Guy | Earn Income Online | Day Mind Xpression | Entrepreneurship Internet Web | Make Money Blogging | Create a Blog | Pie Hole | start a blog | Make Money Blogging | Marketing Made Simple | Tech Startups Web2.0 | Music Videos | ViralTags | Build Rankings Fast | Mrs Sparrow | Hot Buzz | Weight Loss | Really Funny Jokes | Best of Blogs | The Junkie’s Wife | Internet Marketing German | German - USA | Domain Development Blogs | Sundhed og Helbred | Giving Link Love | Business Blog Web | Photoshop Tutorials | Anitokid Chronikos | Klapkids Chronikos | esofthub’s web finds| Everything iPod | Jason’s Random Thoughts | Fun Web Development | Monetize Your Blog | Yung Silent Whisper | Stratz’s Blog | My Journey | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | Interesting Observations | Wealth Blog | ViralTags | Gadgets & Technology | Make Money Home | ViralTags | The Broken Bow | ViralTags | ViralTags | Fanatic Space | Cheezmizan with Chuva | Catepol | Wolly’s Weblog | Profitable Productive Blogging | Cat on my Head | Bloggointestinale | 2012 Movies | iMod | Lorad Zarcon | Instruzioni | Sid05 Weblog | Bayle | Random Access Life | Mario’s Weblog | Acchiappasogni | Dietro e a Casa | Make Money Online | Anchor Text | Alex 2000 | My Life | Personal Finance | Hanneng.net Tech Blog | Business Twins | Pixie Tail | Gold Rushing’s Blog | Humor Jokes | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | Mariuca | Investing women online | Huma B | Sexy Celebrity | ViralTags | we are living green | my love of cats | The Milionaire secret | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | ViralTags | Teacher Humor |

Important: Once I get a comment here from you , I will add your anchor text and the associated link you designate as “Host Tag” here, replacing one of the “ViralTags” from the matrix above. As more and more bloggers copy and paste this matrix, the more backlinks you will have with your anchor text. If everybody who copy and paste from your blog does the same, pretty soon this will spread and go viral. So, the sooner you participate, the more links with anchor text you will receive.

Please add a comment here to add your viraltag as blogger user does not get ping back.

If you favorite by blog at Technorati by clicking below, I will also favorite your blog at Technorati.

http://technorati.com/faves/?add=http://miteshasher.blogspot.com

Last name only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson or 'sir.' Now that we've got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling, sir."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Digging holes

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his soda and watched a couple of workers near the roadside.

One worker would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other worker came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the previous hole.

As the workers got closer to the man, curiosity got the better of him. "Excuse me," he called. "I've been watching you guys work for a bit and I can't figure out just what it is that you're doing."

The two workers seemed glad to take a break. "Well, we work for the Department of Transportation, and we're just doing our normal job," said one of the workers.

"But I don't get it. You're just digging holes and filling them back in again," said the man. "That seems like a big waste of time --- not to mention the taxpayers' money."

"You don't understand, mister," said the other worker. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. But Elmer's job got cut last week... so now it's just me an' Leroy."

wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

women

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabuland observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
"Land mines."

the old ladies

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!".