Bubble in the bath

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first".

The boys start giving their introduction

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next" .

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next" .

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".

This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please" ..

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes" ..
Teacher "Now thats like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...".

The most beautiful girl in the class: "M' am, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day".

An arm and a leg

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Ultimate insult!

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Letter from Management

Dear Staff,

Due to the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons who opt for being RAPED can apply to management to become eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). Person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

Balance Sheet of Life

Our Birth is our Opening Balance
Our Death is our Closing Balance
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behavior are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Funny quotes on LIFE

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~Robert Frost, "Cluster of Faith," 1962

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. ~Kathy Norris

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. ~Alice Roosevelt Longworth

We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse. ~Author Unknown

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up. ~Author Unknown

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer. ~Jim Carrey

Why torture yourself when life'll do it for you? ~Author Unknown

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. ~Agnes' Law

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ~Garrison Keillor

Short joke

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

The student

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were
much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Bar joke

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing bef ore him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Staying true!

A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve- hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

Second Opinion

The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on Your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Godfather's Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The country boys

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Five years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about five years back and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.1 They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."

The Anniversary

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it once more for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

A police officer is sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this . . . two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking stick.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year- olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it at your age? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't
electric! "

The deathbed confession

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly inter- rupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

Marine Corps Counting

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.
During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"X*#dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on
the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Drinking

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

The Letter

When Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....
"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today!"

Long hair

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You;ve brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

The crook

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

The Worst

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.On a flight across America, he rose from his seat,drew gun and took the stewardess hostage."Take me to Detroit," he demanded."We' re already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and
announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.

When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the
revolving doors again.

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly woman in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the woman that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!

The paradox of our time in history is that…

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers
Wider freeways, but narrow view points
We spend more, but have less
We buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families
More conveniences, but less time
We have more degrees, but less sense
More knowledge, but less judgment.
More experts, less solutions
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values
We talk too much, love too seldom and hate too.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life
We've added years to life, not life to years.
Just Think About It………

Hit by a golf ball!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him: "How does that feel?
He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

The Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car
smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and
asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Cop Lines

- "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

- "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

- "Just how big were those two beers?"

- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

- "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Words count a lot

The six most important words " I admit i made a mistake"

The five most important words " You did a good job"

The four most important words " What is your opinion"

The three most important words " If you please "

The two most important words " Thank you"

The one most important word "We"

The least important word "I"

awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said little Harry to little Davey.
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" asked Davey
Harry: "Not so well, I think. It sure was the toughest spelling test I ever had!"

Mothers' Quotes

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO' S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something... ?"

Southern Congregation

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. " Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the
sheets."

The congregation roared, the preacher fainted, and Church was dismissed.

The drive

A man driving his car shares his experience.. ...

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked to my right and saw a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing about 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her make-up.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and next thing I know she's halfway over in my lane still working on her face.

It scared the life out of me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I lost my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn "Big Jim and the Twins".

I screamed in pain and the cigarette fell out of my mouth, burning my shirt. I also lost an important call.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Turkey loaf

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
The girl continued, "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
The mother asked, "Airplane ticket? What in the world did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mom," she said, "when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

How Do you Guys Do It??

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues. Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

Longevity

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Well, I enjoy a good cigar."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Yes, I do. I enjoy a glass of wine or beer, and a Vodka Martini and a nightcap..."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, things I like, meat, pizza, lasagna..."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, I'm not young, but I do enjoy having sex regularly with my wife."
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

The minister

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.

Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.

After looking in a mirror, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification.

The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. The policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

The policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

The Race

I was driving back up the M1 at a nice steady just legal speed when a guy on a Honda 50 started overtaking me. There is only so much one can be expected to take. A Honda 50?

I accelerated.
He accelerated.

I accelerated.
He kept pace.

As we passed ninety he gave me a wave.
As we passed a hundred he winked.

When I topped out at a hundred and ten, he casually took one hand off the handlebars, put a cigarette in his mouth and leaned over and tapped on my window.
I lowered the window and he shouted, "Have you got a light?"
I screamed. : "You maniac! You'll kill yourself!"
"No," he replied shaking his head, "I never have more than three a day.

On a sign outside a lawyer's office

Where there's a will, there's a way;
Where there's a way, there's a law;
Where there's a law, there's a loophole;
Where there's a loophole, there's me, WALK IN.

Gotta Love Old Men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Futuristic Sales machines

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed is reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... Which now had a button sewn on the end.

Play with words

PLAY WITH WORDS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

The Pilot

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest o f his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

Grew up speaking English?

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;

1) The bandage was wound around the wound .
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present .
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear .
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello ?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - " Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"

Compromise

a compromise is an agreement where both parties get what neither of them wanted

Smart old woman

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

The Golden Urinal

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone".

The puddle

After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy" he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

funny pictures

Enjoy Funny Pictures

Assign the punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."