short humor jokes-Disappointed!

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.
The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."
The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel."

Humor jokes-Aussie salesman

An Aussie salesman drove into a small town in the far south of New Zealand, where a small circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss the Amazing Maori." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under the Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was a middle aged Maori.
Suddenly, the Maori dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the Maori was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus, and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss the Amazing Maori."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The old Maori stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Maori, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago, and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to
coconuts?"
"Well," said the Maori, "my eye sight isn't what it used to be."

Really funny jokes-New shiny watch

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

humor jokes-Liberal and conservative

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

Short humor jokes-Detective

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

Humor jokes-What does it mean to be British?

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland is probably the best so far.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.

Children jokes-Greatest Hitter

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"

India calling-The 20-20 World cup is ours!

India won the 20-20 cricket World cup! What a great joy for the Indians! India clinched the inaugural Twenty20 cricket World Cup after a thrilling five-run victory over arch-rivals Pakistan in the final in Johannesburg on Monday.

In a match that saw fortunes fluctuate till the dying moments, the young Indian team held its nerve to dismiss Pakistan. Earlier, India beat England, South Africa and Australia in the super 8 and semi-finals to enter the finals with Pakistan in what is said to be the mother of all finals!

Humor jokes-Big John

A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet.
Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered.
This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " Big John does not pay" said, the driver rose up and showing his muscles said " OH yeah " and why does Big JOhn does not pay " he shouted.
The giant reached inside his pocket, the driver feared for the worsethe giant said " because Big John has bus pass" showing his bus pass to the driver.

Humor jokes-The lawyer

A lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the lawyer said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The lawyer replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Humor jokes-The cure

There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his wife's lack of attention toward him.
The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than obliging."
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.
He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"
So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink the milk.
After a half hour, both fall asleep.
Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"

Really Funny Jokes-Successful businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail.
The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Animl humor-The proposal

short humor jokes-Aspirin

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it ! . . . I can never remember that word!"

Humor jokes-Communication strategy

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'
Britons who see that, do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'

short humor jokes-The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

short humor jokes-God is watching

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."
Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...
One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Humor jokes-Crazy Kid

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,"came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Celebrity news

Pics of Shakira's Hamburg tour




Pics from Shakira's Hamburg tour

Humor-List of very short books

----> Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
----> A Guide to Arab Democracies
----> Career Opportunities for History Majors
----> Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
----> French Hospitality
----> Popular Lawyers
----> The Amish Phone Book
----> Everything Men Know About Women

Life-About Winners and Losers

The Winner is always part of the answer;
The Loser is always part of the problem.
The Winner always has a program;
The Loser always has an excuse.
The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";
The Loser says, "That is not my job."
The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
The Winner says, " It may be difficult but it is possible";
The Loser says, "It may be possible but i t is too difficult."
When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";
When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."
A Winner makes commitments;
A Loser makes promises.
Winners have dreams;
Losers have schemes.
Winners say, "I must do something";
Losers say, "Something must be done."
Winners see the gain;
Losers see the pain.
Winners see possibilities;
Losers see problems.
Winners see the potential;
Losers see the past.
Winners choose what they say;
Losers say what they choose.
Winners use hard arguments but soft words;
Losers use soft arguments but hard words.
Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;
Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.
Winners make it happen;
Losers let it happen.

Humor jokes-Never lie to your mother

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE M
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

short humor jokes-Attractive

"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?"
He smiled and replied, "Test me."

Really funny jokes-Little Johnny and Granny

Little Johnny was staying with his granny for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Granny, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling".
Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Granny, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called "Bunk Beds". And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

Humor jokes-A Faithful Wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Good jokes-Australian Ways

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia.
His Aussie neighbour, Shane, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was,decided to make him feel welcome. So he went next door to wish him welcome.
He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself.
So he decided that he could put off the welcome until a later date and went back home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man.
When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.
The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man.
At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.
He became angry and went up to the Chinese man and yelled in his face,
"I'm sorry mate, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!"
The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bullshit".

Really funny jokes-Bush considering

Just hours after the release of al Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden’s latest video message inviting all Americans to convert to Islam, U.S. President George said he would “seriously consider the offer, because it sure would simplify the war in Iraq.”
“If I convert to Islam and order all of our troops to do the same,” said Mr. Bush, “we can stay in Iraq indefinitely, drop the restrictive rules of engagement, save a lot of money by using cheap, unguided bombs, clear neighborhoods flat out, blow up mosques with impunity and still go to heaven — not to mention that I’d get more favorable coverage from the U.S. news media.”
The president added that he might convert to Islam just to “find out what it’s like to be a man who wears a dress and a bonnet and dyes his hair like a girl.”

My fears

I feared being alone - Until I learned to like myself .
I feared failure - Until I realized that I only fail when I don't try .
I feared success - Until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself.
I feared people's opinions- Until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.
I feared rejection- Until I learned to have faith in myself.
I feared pain- Until I learned that it's necessary for growth.
I feared the truth- Until I saw the ugliness in lies.
I feared life- Until I experienced is beauty .
I feared death- Until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning .
I feared my destiny- Until I realized that I had the power to change my life.
I feared hate- Until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance.
I feared love- Until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule- Until I learned how to laugh at myself.
I feared growing old- Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future- Until I realized that Life just kept getting Better.

short humor jokes-Extinct

A 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant.
"Well," she said, in all seriousness, "It means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, and that's why they call them 'exstinkt'."

Funny Statements

1. God is real, unless declared integer
2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
3. Death is hereditary.
4. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
7. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
8. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come .
10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
11. Well done is better than well said .
12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
13. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
14. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
15. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.
16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

Cheers to Bono!

Bono, the U2 frontman and humanitarian activist, was bestowed Knighthood in Dublin on 12th April 2007 in recognition of his contributions to the music industry and his inspirational efforts to end poverty on the continent of Africa.

The 46 year old Irish rock star, and philanthropist, who features in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame and has a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for his tireless campaigning on behalf of Africa?s poor, will have the official title "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire", although he is not entitled to be called Sir because he is not a British citizen.

In 2003, Bono was presented with France's L?on d'Honneur by President Jacques Chirac, while in 2005 he was voted Time magazine's Person of the Year for his work promoting justice and equality, along with Bill and Melinda Gates. In 2006 he was named the most influential pop star of the past 25 years by MTV.
He has played a key role in persuading governments and international institutions to wipe out much of the burden of international debt owed by Third World governments, which has put 20 million African children in school.

Let?s cheer this man for all that he has done to make this world a better place!

short humor jokes-Tonsillectomy

A family was on its way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a Tonsillectomy.
During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked About how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "How are they going to keep My mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Adult jokes-Two army buddies

Nate and Martin, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Nate's house and get drunk. Low and behold they run out of beer so Nate says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do. Nate comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Nate yells, "what are you doing Barbara?"
She replies, "you told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality. "
Nate then says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor."

Short humor jokes-After Date

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.
The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Life

Life-Hats off to the Airlines

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a
black man. I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.
I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is unusual for our company to permit someone from Economy
Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black guy & said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits
you in First Class."
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

Celebrity news-Tom Brady

Three weeks into fatherhood and two weeks into football season, Tom Brady has a personal problem to tackle: balancing his schedule between playing with the New England Patriots and seeing his infant son, who is home in Los Angeles with his mom, Bridget Moynahan.

“I kind of cuddled him like a football,” the 6′4″ triple Super-Bowl-winning quarterback, 30, tells the new issue of Sports Illustrated about John Edward Thomas Moynahan, who was born Aug. 22.

Good jokes-Things not to say to your pregnant wife

17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and finally ...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..... "

Short humor jokes-A professor and a fool

A professor was walking along a very narrow hall
when he came face to face with a rival.

The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
"I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, "I Always Do."

Really funny jokes-Awful Four letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
Her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Humor jokes-Coincidence

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Short humor jokes-Math lesson

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called on a student named Johnny. He said this is the process of having sex- first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, then divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

Really funny jokes-Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.
Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"
The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Short humor jokes-GIUSEPPE SPOMDALUCCI

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci, " he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

Short humor jokes-UNARMED SELF-DEFENCE

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"
The student replied, "Big ones!"

Really funny jokes-TORAH SCHOLAR

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God."

Humor jokes-Nun with Tin Cup

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that wretched nun out there again!"

"Laughter is an instant vacation"
-Merlin Berke

humor jokes-Bill and Hillary at the Yankee Game

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$! &&&&&&&&
*%$%**!!!..
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "PITCH" !!

Humor jokes

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing..........
but not the poor groom!

Humor jokes

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Life in Pictures

Funny Jokes-The Sperm Donor

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation.
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?
The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Celebrity News-Halle Berry pregnant

Halle Berry has confirmed her pregnancy. She is three months pregnant with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry's baby.
Halle, who has been married twice, revealed in April her life would not be complete until she became a mother.
She said: "Not that there's not more to accomplish, but I think I have arrived at a point in my life where I have realized I need more to get me up in the morning.
"More than going to a new movie set. I need something more profound and that's family, that's children.
"I need that like the air to breathe these days and I'm ready. I'm at a point where I'm really, really ready."

Life-The Parable Of The Spoons

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it
possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle
was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand."

It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.

Really funny jokes-I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, Sat next to a man reading a book, And noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied." My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered." I am the Father of many."
The boy said. " My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said." I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."