Really funny jokes-Glossary

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Humor jokes- Three women i Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A & M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Marriage jokes

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."
The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

Funny pictures

Adult jokes-Deteriorating sex life

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."

Children jokes-Hair humor

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.
He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"
"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.
"Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

Funny pictures-The chat room

Really funny jokes-The soft drink salesman

A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was
virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster
was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."

Don't use BIG words

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

Adult jokes-blonde

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide."
"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

Good jokes-Bad news & good news

A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news."
"Right, what's the bad news?"
"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime."
"So what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is way down!"

Children jokes-Little Johnny strikes again!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "I think he said; Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!"
The teachers passes out, Little Johnny strikes again!

Adult jokes-Swallowed a contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive. "
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief.
"My husband just found another one."

Funny pictures-Meal cooked by angry wife!

Humor jokes-the argument

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Really funny jokes-The Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

Humor jokes-Lawyer & Engineer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence, " said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
Looking somewhat confused, the lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Good jokes-You live in Colorado when..

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Adult jokes-Adult tongue twister

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
And a jock strap is a lower Decker pecker checker,
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Short Humor jokes

Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
A: Bee-thoven!

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!

Short Humor jokes

• Heght of optimism:
Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!

• Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
Railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

• A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.

• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

Adult humor jokes-Clarification

An elderly couple after long dating period decided to get married.
For pre-wedding settlement on finances, cost contribution, memories of prior spouses etc. they went to candle light dinner in a fine restaurant.
Topic now was on their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' old dirty man had to ask.

'Well,' she said, responding thoughtfully not to turn away the opportunity,
'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently. '
The puzzled old man looked her in the eye and asked
"I'd have to ask - Is that 'in-frequently' one word or two?'

Short jokes-Sign

Sign in a pathology: It might be piss and shit for u, but for us it is bread and butter.

Humor jokes-Halloween funnies

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now
---------
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
---------
How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
---------
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
---------
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
---------
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

Children jokes-Can't concentrate

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11 year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate, " he replied. "I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? I'm much older than you are. What you are feeling is just "puppy love". And while it's true that I would like a husband of my own someday; I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll use a condom.

Short Humor jokes

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

Life-Good quotes

- People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends.
- A man isn't really poor if he can still laugh.
- The man who thinks he knows it all has merely stopped thinking.
- If the world laughs at you, laugh right back- it's as funny as you are.
- Ability without ambition is like a car without a motor.
- Ability will enable a man to get to the top, but it takes character to keep him there.
- Adversity is the only diet that will reduce a fat head.
- We learn somethings from prosperity, but we leran many more from adversity.
- Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.
- Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less.
- Which do you suppose ages faster - whiskey or the man who drinks it?
- Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to loose his job.
- Some girls get married for financial security; others get divorced for the same reason.
- The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you'll have.
- It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument.
- Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance.
- People who know the least always argue the most.
- You can't make a place for yourself under the sun if you keep sitting in the shade of the family tree.

Adult humor jokes-Women are smart!

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother!

Doctor jokes-Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.
He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.
His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one,they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.
"If any of you had been observant, you would've noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Adult jokes - one way of having a men's night out

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Kids jokes - New York Cab Driver

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

She quickly replied, "They become cab drivers!"

Humor jokes - Girls Night Out

Jill was invited out for a night with the girls.

She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around

3 AM, a bit worse for wear, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and

cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she "cuckooed" another 9 times.

Jill was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed she knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning Jill's husband asked, "What time you got in?" Jill told him

"midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three

times, then it said, "Oh Shit." cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over

the coffee table and farted."

Humor - Sentence with words 'Sex and Love'

SENTENCE WITH WORDS 'SEX AND 'LOVE'

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

Short humor jokes

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Really Funny Jokes-Intellegent!

A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent.
The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," the manager said.
The boy replied, "Really!? What team did she play for?"

Life - Ice cream for the Soul

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

Short humor jokes-Synagogue

An usher at the entrance to the synagogue stopped Sadie. The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?"
Sadie quickly relied, "No, of course not. I am the groom's mother."

Children jokes-Closed fist

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand.
In his haste to get back to class he forgot to wash, so he made a closed fist to hide it.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in
your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away."
Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand NOW!"
So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Good jokes-God created Heaven and Earth

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "OK, what do You want me to do?"
"Go down into that valley."
"What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
"What's a river?"
And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
"What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
"What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
"What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
"How do I do that?"
So God explained to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back. "What's a headache?"

Short Humor jokes- Sister's Date ...

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

Really Funny Jokes-Taking the final exam

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the- blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Short Humor jokes-Adam & Eve

ADAM AND EVE
Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve. He came back within a day and said he had found them.
Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?"
Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson, they were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons!"

Humor jokes-The grandfather

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their abuelo.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'". There is a judge here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still call him 'Your Honor'". And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor"'. And me...I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F***ing Mexican'."

India calling-Religious unity

Good jokes-Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Really funny jokes-Dangerous off or on the Road

On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured. The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

Short humor jokes-Dubyah's parrot

Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"
“Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
“That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot.....

Children jokes-Sweet revenge!

When my three-year-old son opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Life-Old is when:

1.Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2.You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3.Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4.Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5.An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Humor jokes-Animal complaints!

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."

Short Humor jokes-Fortune Teller

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one. "

Humor jokes-Safety competition

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

Really Funny Jokes-Texan in Chicago

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked. He replied,
"How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big! "
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,.... .
From the floor ma'am...From the floor.

Humor jokes- Conversations with GOD

Billy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up booze."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Billy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Short humor jokes-Dentist

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

Humor-Facts Underlined

* Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
* To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
* The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
* Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
* In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
* All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
* Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
* Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.
* If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
* You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
* Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot.
* If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? If you have both, no one calls.
* If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
* You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
* After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
* The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
* Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Good jokes-Man of the House

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director ?"

Really Funny jokes-American and Russian

An American and a Russian were aruging about their freedom to talk in their countries.
American : We have such a freedom that We can shout that George Bush is an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian : This is nothing. We have some more advanced freedom than this. We can shout in front of our President himself that George Bush is an idiot and get a reward also. Do you have such freedom?

Humor jokes- Bubba's exam

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked; "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Bubba, it's like this... on question #4, the
Yankee put down, "I don't know."
And you put down, "Neither do I."

Adult humor jokes-Nude painting

Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he demanded of her: "Did you really pose for that?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory.

Cannibal jokes

Two Cannibals are about to eat a man. One says to the other:"How are you doing?"
The other says," I'm having a ball"
The first one says "Slow down, you eat too fast"
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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his belly with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
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The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?"
The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

Humor jokes-The Christian Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: " Oh my God..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

Children jokes-Johnny Visits Grandpa

Little Johnny goes to the hospital with his Grandma to visit his ailing Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, Little Johnny runs ahead of his Grandmother and bursts into his Grandfather' s room.
"Grandpa! Grandpa!" he says excitedly, ".....as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his surprised Grandpa.
"Please, Grandpa, make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!"

Humor jokes-30 Harsh things a Woman can say to a Naked Man

1. I have smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's okay, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Humor jokes-Little Johnny Needs a Bike

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his Mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"