Short humor jokes-Oral Sex

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

Humor jokes-Spinster

Tired of being asked why she never married an elderly spinster concocted a response that usually shut people up.
"I have a fireplace that smokes, a washing machine that won't work, a cat that stays out all night, a dog that barks at me, and a kitchen sink that smells bad. Why do I need a husband?"

Really funny jokes-The Office help

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Humor jokes-React too soon

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!!
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Funny toons-mushroom

Really funny jokes-Blood circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Children jokes-Dress up

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Funny toons-The Confession!

Short humor jokes-Nudity

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room...
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Children jokes-Honesty

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Adult jokes-File taxes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions".
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."

Quotes

Good jokes-Tombstones

Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others.
* He was a simple man who died of complications
* He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner
* Stranger, tread this ground with gravity Dentist Brown is filling his cavity

Marriage jokes-Marry Larry

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

Adult humor jokes-Exotic pet

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions. "
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions, please telephone the store at which the frog was purchased and ask for the manager."
Which she does. The manager responds, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, he is ringing her doorbell. She welcomes him and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The manager, looking very concerned, grabs the frog, stares directly at him and says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Humor pictures-The race

Really funny jokes-Cop & Juggler

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.
When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."

Short jokes-Jailhouse pick-up lines!

* "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
* "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
* "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night."
* "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."
* "You're new here... let me introduce you to the penal system."
* "Prisoner Johnson need a weekend furlough?"

Humor jokes-Missing wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Funny pictures-her secret admirer?

Children jokes-Fire

Mike came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Adult humor jokes-Jewish couple

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GHET".
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies. "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!"

Celebrity humor-More Caricatures

Funny toons-Adult humor

Adult jokes-my wife

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

Humor jokes-Blonde in First Class

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just s! ay so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Funny pictures-Whoooosh! Where do you go?

Short jokes-after 69

Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Really funny jokes-What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills".

Humor pictures-Happy endings!

Celebrity news-Brian May

Brian May, the Queen star and astrophysicist, was appointed chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University.
The 60-year-old guitarist said the appointment was "a great honor and a great new challenge."
He is an honorary fellow of Liverpool John Moores University, which has a well-known astrophysics research institute.
"Brian May is an intensely talented individual who achieved global success with Queen," said the university's vice chancellor, Michael Brown, in a statement. "In this age of celebrity culture, it is rare to find someone who has fame, fortune and universal acclaim and yet who remains true to his core values of learning and enlightenment."
He was an astrophysics student at Imperial College when he joined Freddie Mercury and Roger Taylor to form Queen in 1970, but dropped his doctorate as the glam rock band became more successful.

Adult jokes-Condom

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?".
The other old lady said," Its a condom".
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?".
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

Children jokes-Bathroom Scales

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

Funny pictures-Beauty of the sleeping animal

Really funny jokes-Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Blonde jokes-The riddle

A man was on a flight to New York from LA. He was sitting next to a blonde lady. He decided to have some fun, so he asked the blonde to play a game.
The game went like this: he would ask a question, and if she didn't know the answer, she would pay him $10, and vise versa.
The blonde refused, and tried to take a nap, but the man, instead of giving up, said "I'll pay you $100 for every question I don't know, and you can only pay me $10. Okay?"
The blonde finally accepted.
The man asked: "Who is the leader of Russia?"
The blonde promptly handed him a $10 bill.
Then she asked: "What is black and white and runs up hills backwards?" The man pondered on this for a while, then took out his laptop and preceded to check all his references, email all his friends, and ask the question in chat rooms.
After an hour the man handed the blonde $100, then asked "What was it anyway?"
The blonde handed him a $10 bill and chuckled.

Funny pictures-The friendship

Really funny jokes-Agricultural representative

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer;
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.
"This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.
Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.
Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"

Life-Interesting Quotes

* If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke

* Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne

* I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

* My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

* We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

* Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

* Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

* I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Short jokes-The gay judges

Q: Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A: They tried each other.

Humor pictures-the tail

Short humor jokes-Extra

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

Celebrity humor-More Caricatures

Marriage jokes-Marital bliss!

A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high spending, forever nagging, wife told him "Ok you small brained dumbfuck, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Humor pictures-Beware of the bite!

Blonde jokes-K-9 Unit

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Adult jokes-Husband's Nick name

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Quotes

Really funny jokes - 72

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence. "
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Adult humor jokes-Squirrel check

Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn't know how to do it.
Jane says "Look , it's very easy" and she explains what is to make love.
Tarzan tells her , "Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole".
Jane tells him, "you've got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole" motioning to her crutch.
Tarzan and Jane get naked and Jane motions to her crutch for Tarzan to put it in.
Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crutch.
Jane twitching with pain asks Tarzan " what was that for"?
And Tarzan says, "Tarzan checks for Squirrels".

Celebrity humor-More caricatures

Funny pictures-Sports humor

Life-A Farmer's Last Will:

Being of sound mind, I leave:
To my wife, my overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my banker, my soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway,
To my neighbor, my clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the A.S.C.S., my grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
To the county agent, 50 bushels of corn, to see if he can hit the market. I never could.
To the junkman, all of my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
To my undertaker, a special request: I want 6 implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
To the grave digger, don't bother. The hole I'm in already should be big enough.

Humor jokes-Emergency landing

A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing.
Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.
The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.
"No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

Funny pictures-Children humor

Doctor jokes-Poker

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Good jokes-Clever old lady

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout . and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Funny pictures-Celebrity humor

Short jokes-Discovery

After a lengthy study, a South American Scientist discovered that people without enough sexual activity in their lives read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off, it's too late....

Humor jokes-Lexicon by Sex

[1] Wants and needs
Female-The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
Male-Food, sex, and beer
[2] Communication
Female-The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male-Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys
[3] Butt
Female- The body part that all clothing manufactures makes "looks bigger"
Male-The organ of mooning and farting
[4] Commitment
Female-A desire to get married and raise a family
Male-Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend
[5] Entertainment
Female- A good movie, concert, play or book
Male-Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges
[6] Flatulence
Female-An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
Male-An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding
[7] Glass Ceiling
Female-The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
Male-What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!
[8] Lesbian
Female-A woman who makes love to other women
Male-A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned on
[9] Making love
Female-The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male-What men have to call "boinking" to get women to "boink"
[10] Remote control
Female-A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male-A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes
[11] Taste
Female-Something you do to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good
Male-Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out
[12] Thingy
Female-Any part under a car's hood
Male-The strap fastener on a woman's bra
[13] Vulnerable
Female-Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male-Playing ball without a cup

Quotes

Short jokes-lobster vs. crab

Just remember, it is better to have a lobster on your piano, than a crab on your organ.

Mother-in-law jokes

Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

Funny pictures-Fun with children

Fun and Humor-Lever Anagrams

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LET'S RECOUNT

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Humor jokes-Shrink

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife in unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

Life-Different views on sex

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that hey have such different views of sex and relationships.
Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex; Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

Really funny jokes-Building contractor

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.
He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Life-Girls are like....

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb all the way
to the top

of the tree.

Funny toons- The Last Great Act

Short jokes-Unremunerative outlay of Capital

The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital.
One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies."

Humor jokes-Profound President: Some classic Bush-isms!!!

1.The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.
2.If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
3.I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
4.We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.
5.We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe; we are a part of Europe .
6.A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
7.We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
8.Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

Really funny jokes-"I've Lost My Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Humor jokes-Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

Funny pictures-The forgetful groom

Adult jokes-Gay men

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gay men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Marriage jokes-The Italian job

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: " Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: " An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerous !

Adult jokes-Understanding English

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

Short humor jokes-Love

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

Blonde jokes-History

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Famous Quotes

Short humor jokes-Being a Priest

Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Adult jokes-Getting married

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive at night!"

Really funny jokes-Smoke while praying

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, " Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
Moral of the story is ... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

Humor jokes-The woman driver

A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied.
"Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

More Halloween jokes

Q: Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
A: He was dead on his feet.
-----

Q: Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
A: He just never found the right ghoul!!!
-----

Q: Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?
A: He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!
-----

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse.
-----

Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.

Halloween jokes-Halloween fancy dress party

One year at Halloween, the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry were
there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what their characters were.
When one couple arrived, he announced, "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane", and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants, but apart from that
totally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.
Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local University Computer Science department, the doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation. "
"I'm very sorry sir," said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to
such a gathering."
"Okay." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."

Short humor jokes-Halloween time!

Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A: A handful of Sheet.

Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!

Q: Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?
A: Because its super-natural!

Q: Why are so few ghosts arrested?
A: It's hard to pin anything on them.

Short humor jokes-Training exercise

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

Really funny jokes-Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Marriage jokes-Weeping bride

The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"
The counselor scowled. "Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line."

Short humor jokes-Dressing the children

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Really funny jokes-Peeing in the Refrigerator

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Good jokes-the adopted boy

Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?"
"We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.

Famous quotes