Really funny jokes-Little Johny

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The Teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f**king difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"

Funny arrests!

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Blonde jokes-coffee

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Adult jokes-Virgin bride

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Funny pictures

Doctor jokes-Diagnosis

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

Nice Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Office humor jokes-Fresh light

Adult humor jokes-Difference

What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, & 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Short jokes-Quote on Marriage

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Good jokes-Some Very Clever Business Signs

1) At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
2) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
3) In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
4) On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
5) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive. "
6) At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
7) Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
8) At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."
9) In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Please drive carefully. We'll wait ."

Humor jokes-Telling War Stories

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be a hundred 165 years old."

Really funny jokes-Grades

Despite very little effort on his part, my son Martin had done quite well in third grade. One night he announced over dinner that his friend Robert was the smartest in class and had gotten all A's on his report card. Hoping that my son would realize how some more effort would produce similar results:
I said, "What would you have to do to be the smartest in the class?"
After some thought, Martin replied, "Get rid of Robert?"

Humor pictures-Funny faces

Children jokes-Feet

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

Humor jokes-Prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A SONY PLAY STATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Blond jokes-Blonde Christmas Story

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Really funny jokes-Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Short humor jokes-Air

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Funny pictures-Oops! Will pop back!

Short humor jokes-memory

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Adult jokes-Cosmetic surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Office humor jokes-Software engineering management course

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately? "
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Really funny jokes-Some clever business signs

1) At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

Doctor jokes-Skiing

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."

Office humor jokes-Unable to sleep!

Humor pictures

Really funny jokes-Polish immigrant

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, “C Z W I X N O S T A C Z”.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Office humor jokes-Convention

At a convention of oilmen, the speaker from Texas called the neighboring state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province of Texas."
The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with, "First of all, there ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."

Children jokes-Image

A teenager who was 5 feet tall and rather chubby was involved in a minor accident and so her mother took her to the emergency section of the local hospital. The triage nurse asked her for her height and weight.
The girl said, "5 feet, 6 inches and 125 lbs."
While the triage nurse was pondering this reply, the girl's mother leaned over to her daughter and said,
"Sweetie, you are not on the internet now."

Adult jokes-The exam

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Blonde jokes-Fresh

There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby.
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.
She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."

Funny pictures

Office humor jokes-Meetings

Quote from a recent meeting:
We are going to continue having these meetings everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Good jokes-Beggar

Ryan and Todd were riding the New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Todd adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Ryan, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a five, and gladly hands it to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him profusely and continues on to the other passengers. Todd is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on EARTH did you do that for???" shouts Todd. "You know he's only going to spend it on booze!!!"
Ryan replies, "And we weren't?"

Humor jokes-Smart arse answer

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

Short humor jokes-Letter to Santa Claus

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."

Humor jokes-Why parents drink...

Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

Funny pictures-Who CAME first?

Humor jokes-Phrases

While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, I asked my group to complete well-known phrases. For example, I would prompt them with, "better safe" to which they would respond, "than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until I got to the phrase "Make love, not war." I had barely gotten out the first two words when a ninety-year- old woman shouted from the back, "while you can!"

Blonde jokes-Two Blondes with hammers

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Office humor jokes-Tacks evasion

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion"

Short jokes-New survey

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other woman.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Humor jokes-The Farmer's Wife

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Children jokes-Cookies

Tell me something," asked Freddie, "how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny scratched his lizard pecker head and said,"Well, five, I think."
"Wrong," said Jon. "You can only eat just one. After that, your stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!"
Little Johnny was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his sister, Judi, when he got home.
"Hey, Sis, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Judi thought for a minute or two (it takes awhile to get those two brain cells to fire together) and said, "Two."
Little Johnny was dejected. "Aw, if you'd said *FIVE* I had a GREAT joke for you!"

Adult jokes-Conception

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

Really funny jokes-The Tarrot card reader

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Quotes

Short humor jokes-Gear

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Children jokes-Expected baby

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Office humor jokes-Seminar on efficiency

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of precious time and energy," the man reported. "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."
"Did it work?" the teacher asked.
"It sure did," replied the businessman. "Instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven."

Adult humor jokes-Alzheimer's

A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men may lead to Alzheimer's disease.
Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone can also render the brain completely useless.

Really funny jokes-Arabs

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Humor jokes-New inventions

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton." "What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Humor jokes-Gang member dad

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Children jokes-Composition

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday".

Funny pictures-The cheating hen!

Blonde jokes-Driver

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus; the blonde team rides on the top level..
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Adult humor jokes-Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

Good jokes-The flier

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered fifty pounds to no avail, so he made a final offer of a hundred pounds . The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Humor jokes-Blind date

Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained.
"Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it.
He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.

Blond jokes- Difference

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Animal jokes-Funny pictures

Short jokes

A SIGN IN A DENTIST'S WAITNG ROOM
"God gives us a set of teeth twice.
The third set has to be paid for."

Really funny jokes-Hat seller

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action.
Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too.
So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather' s idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather . . ."

Good jokes-American and Irishman

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

Humor jokes-Most dangerous!

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake!"

Really funny jokes-Van Goghs’ Relatives

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Funny pictures-The way men & women think

Children jokes-Sing to sleep!

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three year old,
"If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

Good jokes-The Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Short humor jokes-Wedding

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."

Adult humor jokes-Sex product

Jill: I just bought this new product that has really improved my enjoyment of sex. It's a topical cream, completely organic and safe to use and almost guarantees you'll have an orgasm each time you use it.
Nadine: Wow, that sounds like a winner to me.
Jill: Oh yeah. And it's very easy to use, too. The directions say, "Apply liberally to female genital area with tongue.

Quotes

Really funny jokes-The professionals

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.
-"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
- "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager!

Good jokes-Truman

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers.
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizers? "
The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'."

Humor jokes-2 elderly gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim said, "I feel j ust like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Good jokes-Policeman

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Funny pictures-the problem with condoms

Short jokes-School

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

Adult jokes-Religion and Church

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve-year- old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

Humor jokes-The party

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said "Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

Funny pictures-Male fantasy