Adult humor jokes-Talk talk talk

Why do women always want to talk during sex?
My ex-wife used to say,"That feels so good. Does it feel good to you? It feels good to me. How does it feel to you?"
I'd say, "Do you wanna talk, or do you wanna make love? If you'll let me finish, I'll write a detailed report for you when we're done"

Good jokes-Say it with flowers

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words

Humor pictures-Cute kid

Really funny jokes-No fun

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

Good jokes-Bearded man

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Humor jokes-Public toilet

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in thepark. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think your doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"

Adult humor jokes-Brothel trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Funny pictures-Her majesty!!

Really funny jokes-Head hog

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at The trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head Hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phrase We use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called Was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the Door right now."

Adult humor jokes-Two main secrets

Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says: "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up!"

Funny pictures-Overturn!

Really funny jokes-Wedding Rehearsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."

Humor jokes-Different points of view

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Good jokes-Long sermon

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

Really funny jokes-A Hiking We Will Go.....

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the TV satellite dishes point south."

Children jokes-Virgin Mary

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, 'Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?'

Humor pictures-Don't pull my hair!

Adult jokes-Observant daughter

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!
Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Good jokes-Conductor's woes

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Short humor jokes-Broken heart

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."

Adult humor jokes-On the bill

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"

Funny pictures-Too big for her mouth!

Humor jokes-Lawn mowing

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

Really funny jokes-Cowboy chilli

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Good jokes-E-mail service

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.
However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting message from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Really funny jokes-Legal eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."
The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

Humor pictures-Grounded monster

Humor jokes-Construction worker's problem

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated. "
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"

Good jokes-Memory test of 3 old men

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. " I knew that, both are wrong. So, just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Funny pictures- remote!!

Really Funny jokes-Let's Be Honest

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Children jokes-Commerce of life

My 3 year old son asked me, "Why do Mom and you have to go to work everyday"?
I thought it was a good oppurtunity to teach him the Commerce of Life. So I said "When your mom & I go to work, we get money. When we get money, we buy fruits, vegetables, chocolates, cakes, sweets, candies for you".
Forgetting all about Commerce and suddenly very hungry, he said "When do we get to eat it all"?

Humor jokes-Babysitting blues!

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so the babies' mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home."

Really Funny jokes-Humor with children!!!

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Good jokes-Senior Citizens Dating

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Office humor jokes-New Merc.

Humor jokes-Autopsy

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Good jokes-Gorilla removers

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

Adult humor jokes-Gown for wife

A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise.
"What size?" asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly.
Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife's measurements? "
The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large and in that order."

Short humor jokes-Solution to headache

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Adult jokes-Annual check-up

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,
"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
"Exactly."

Funny pictures- Cop hiding

Really funny jokes-The experimenting priests

A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.
The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"
The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.
The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."

Good jokes-Moving the skeleton!

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Adult jokes-Down in the dumps

Mike is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong Mike?"
Mike replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".

Life-Walking the dog

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.
So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."
Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him - obviously as usual.

Quotes-Day without problems

Really funny jokes-Pretend to be married

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in he lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?" "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.
And she says : "Get up and take it yourself"

Good jokes-Missed!

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

Short humor jokes-Clitoris

Q: How do you spell clitoris?"
A: I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.

Humor jokes-Running down the English

Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English?
He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don't act better you're all going to hell with the Englishmen!"
One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't quit denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transferred. The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus.
"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said, 'Tonight, one of you will betray me!'
Peter said, 'It is not I, is it master?' Jesus just looked at Judas. Judas, realizing the steady gaze of The Lord upon him said, 'Blimey govenor,´you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"

Office humor jokes-Suble hint!

Adult jokes-Use the word "Fascinate"

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating. "The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating. "Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt has a sweater with nine buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.

Humor jokes-Love Lust & Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST- when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. There really is one.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot?
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . Uh . . . what's a climax?

Short humor jokes-Drive carefully

Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Humor jokes-First day of School :30 Years ago & Today

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.

THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.

THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."

THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law wife.

Cannibal jokes-Clean one

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

Funny pictures-Ball humor

Really funny jokes-Cop on Horse and Little Johnny

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street; when little Johnny on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," little Johnny said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed little Johnny a ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Humor jokes-"Jury Duty"

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Office humor jokes-Post, Position & Prestige

SMS Jokes

Enjoy five funny SMS jokes , you may send it to your friends


Which is the sweetest part of the body?It's oval in shape,it's surrounded by hair,salt water comes from it.Don't be silly : it's 'Beautiful Eyes'

What is the similarity between BRA and BAR ?
Ans : Both are the places where men go crazy when they are open.

Whenever I want Ur presence I read Ur SMS....whenever I want to see u,I close eyes,whenever I want to hear ur voice, I throw a stone at a dog.


Do u remember that day .When we had gone out in a car.I put my dog out & u put ur face out;people shouted "Twins..Twins"..Sweet memories na...?


Pls send ur Biodata & photo 2 Hutch..
U'll get a gud package + A chance 2 come on T.V. So apply soon.Bcoz Hutch's Dog died.They want a monkey.

Agricultural jokes-Smart Farmer

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS

Really funny jokes-Jewish Father

A Jewish father, Moishe, got a call from his eldest son, Yitzak, who told him, "Father, I am going to marry!"
Moishe actually danced with joy. "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What's her name?"
"O'Brien," replied the son. "She's Catholic."
"Oy!" said the father. "But are you happy, my son?"
"I'm happy," said the son.
"Okay, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both."
Now the father was counting more than ever on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah, to give him Jewish grandsons.
The next evening, Schlemiel called his father. "I, too, will soon be married, Father."
Again Moishe broke out into a dance and sang God's praises. "Pray, what is her name?" he asked.
"Kazalopodopolous, " replied the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy!" cried Moishe. "But are you happy?"
"I'm very happy, Father."
"Okay. Then you, too, have my blessing," Moishe declared.
Dejected, Moishe went to the temple to pray. "Please, God, let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in Your eyes . . . please!"
The next day, Chutzpah came to his father in quite a state. "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her name? What is her name?" his father immediately demanded.
"Goldberg!" replied Chutzpah.
Moishe was beside himself with joy. He leapt into the air and shouted, "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" When he calmed down sufficiently, he asked Chutzpah, "Is she Dr. Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Newark?"
"No," replied Chutzpah.
"Hmm. Must be Attorney General Goldberg's daughter Rachel, from Hollywood."
"Ah, no, Father," Chutzpah again responded.
"Well then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
"Whoopi," Chutzpah replied.

Adult jokes-Hooker

There was this hooker named Tina who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
Tina replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Humor pictures-Cuddly creatures

Good jokes-Hurricanes

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

Humor jokes-Solitary confinement

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.
He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Short jokes-Valet

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Really funny jokes-Got five dollars

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,
"Mommy, I got ten dollars."
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."

Quotes