Adult jokes-Coming honey

Two middle aged women were crying dullness in life.
One says to another, "I can't believe what my life has come to."
The other one asked, "Why what's so dull and boring?"
The first one: "The only time I hear "I am coming" is myself yelling at my cat when I am getting his food ready.

Humor jokes-Cost of a brain

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question. Every one wanted to ask: "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Britney to leave Los Angeles?

Britney Spears’ family are trying to force her to leave LA and return to her home town, Louisiana. Britney’s father, Jamie, who was recently granted control of her affairs, plans to take her back to the family home away to get away from “bad influences”.
He will file a court request to get Britney, 26, away from the clubs, drugs and cheating ex-lover Adnan Ghalib. Britney has been feeling lonely and isolated since her dad has taken control of her life and he hopes to take her back to Louisiana where she will be surrounded by her family. Jamie also hopes it will give her the chance to mend her troubled relationship with her mum and her more recent rift with her pregnant sister.

Humor pictures-Bunny play!

Good jokes-Answer question to get into heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Humor jokes-Three accountants

Three accountants were standing at the urinals.
The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two bankers, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers", we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, at "E&Y", not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Shah & Patel, we don't pee on our hands."

Really funny jokes-Drinking habit

Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?
Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.

Blonde jokes-The Jigsaw puzzle

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Funny pictures-Cat on the prowl

Short humor jokes-Tyson

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Humor jokes-Drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Children jokes-Talking loud

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.'
'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'

Adult jokes-You know you're kinky when...

- You've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.
- Your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
- Your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.
- You become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarrassing calls at 2

Good quotes

"The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything, the young know everything."
~ Oscar Wilde

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
~ Abraham Lincoln

Office humor jokes-The Employee

Adult humor jokes-Country Doctors

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Blonde jokes-Overweight

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Short humor jokes-After sex

A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

Humor jokes-Stingy Lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Babysitting

Lindy was babysitting grandson Jake when he was about four years old. They were outside swinging on his slide swing. They were just talking and talking. Then he became very quiet and was looking straight up into the sky, so Lindy said nothing and waited.
What came out of his mouth next she will treasure forever:
"You know, Grandma, this is just like we are on a little date!"

Humor pictures-Zebra merge

One liners

Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

Humor jokes-Country Lane

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Really funny jokes-Adultery

The whole world dies and an endless line waits to get into heaven. Suddenly there's a loud roar from the front of the line. A man in the back calls out, "Why are they cheering?"
Somebody in front yells back, "They're not counting adultery!"

Short humor jokes-Doctor's promise

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

Humor jokes-Family Picnic

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours, or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes, they are all mine, and it's NO picnic!"

Rihanna in the news

US pop star Rihanna has revealed that she would like to release her Brits collaboration with Klaxons as a single.

Speaking to BBC 6Music, she said: “[It was] really different, very cool, unexpected. But when I hear it, I just want to hear it more. It makes it so much more rock and roll.

“It’s a different tempo and everything. But I actually want to release a version like that. Maybe the same version. I really, really liked it.”

Really funny jokes-Appointment

Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment.

Life-George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life…. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you are Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Children jokes-To be quiet

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, 'An why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

Short humor jokes-One kiss

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Humor jokes-Maid fired!

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered,
"I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

Funny pictures-The line-up

Adult humor jokes-Statue of athlete

A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum. Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far. Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits. So wife relaxed watching this nude statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, "Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
Wife says, "Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall."

Children jokes-Pray

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was 'acting up' during the morning worship. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, th little one called loudly to the congregation, 'Pray for me! Pray for me!'

Good jokes-Human Race

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear? The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.
Two days later she asks her father the same question.The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.
The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.

Humor jokes-The Koala & the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Humor pictures-Chained!

Short humor jokes-Happy & Sad

Husband & wife having dinner together.
Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.
Husband: Your nipples are better than your sister's!

Funniest Excuses

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.

1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

Humor pictures-Mama love

Adult jokes-Like this

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

God's creation

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.

Really funny jokes-Unbreakable comb

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Humor jokes-Second wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Kiss defined

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Funny pictures-Possessed tree!

Adult jokes-Remove

A very Sexy & attractive Female Employee meets her Boss & says, "Sir, would you mind removing something from my BREAST."

Boss: Anything for U..

Female Employee: Your f**king Eyes, Sir!

Really funny jokes-"Little League Parents"

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."

Humor jokes-Restaurant behavior

The minister, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order Something cheap."

Adult humor jokes-Deo

The newly married wife goes to the store to buy personal things for the husband. She inquires about the deodorant for the men.
The salesman asks, "Do you want the ball type."
The wife says, "No this is for his underarms."

Really funny jokes-The bid

A man went to an auction. He bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding,
But kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher.
Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk.
"Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Good jokes-Fair deal

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Funny pictures-Computer language

Humor jokes-Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

Really funny jokes-Possible

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player," said Jim.
"A doctor," said Alfred.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said Fred.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver.." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

Office humor jokes-Web designer

Adult jokes-The fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Good jokes-Transporting Chimpanzees

A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World..."

Really funny jokes-IRS

A businessman on his death bed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me when I die that you will have my remains cremated."
"And what do I do with the ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Children jokes-Write in the dark

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

Funny pictures-Horror!!!

Short humor jokes-After sex

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Humor jokes-Horse for sale

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Good jokes-Discipline

It was freshers day at a coeducation college. The principal said "In our college we are very strict and follow discipline. The boys and girls hostel are separate. If we find any boy entering the girls hostel, a fine of 100 dollars will be levied first time. If he is caught second time 200 dollars will be charged. Third time 500 dollars will be charged"
Immediately a boy sitting in the last row raised his hand and asked " What is the rate for the season pass !"

Good jokes-Elderly circus elephant

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it.
He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground.
So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant's balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no"
Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.

Blonde jokes-The kidnapping

A blonde having money trouble decided to kidnap a child. She went to the park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note, 'I have kidnapped your son, I am sorry I need the money. Please place $10,000 in a paper bag behind the statue in the park by 7 am.
Signed A Blonde'.
She pinned the note to the boys jacket and told him to go straight home. She returned the next morning and found the paper bag with the $10,000 and a note saying 'Here is your money. I can't
believe one blonde would do this to another."

Office humor jokes-Complaints Box

Adult humor jokes-The WHYS of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Really funny jokes-Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation? "
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."

Short humor jokes-When water becomes ice

On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."

Humor jokes-Car stolen!

A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."
"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.
"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"

Really funny jokes-Mad wife disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation. "
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse called."

Quotes-Problems