Classy Insults

> "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

> "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

> "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

> "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "

> Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

> "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

> "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

> "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

> "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

> "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

> "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

>"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply

Short adult jokes-Gloves

A man asked his girlfriend "Would you wear gloves if you had no hands??"
She said "No".
So i said "So why do you wear a bra then?"

Bollywood hot actresses-Vidya Balan

Humor jokes-Business trip

A businessman checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.'

Children jokes-Grandmother's adventures

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Really funny jokes-The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. " No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts? " Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!

Short adult jokes-Midlife

Mary: I wish I'd known more about midlife before I got here!
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Well, I lost my sex drive years ago. I had no idea it could be menopause! I thought it was just because I was married!

Bollywood hot actresses-Katrina Kaif

Short adult jokes-Guard

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them!
In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

Humor jokes-Mutual Attraction

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Bollywood hot actresses-Riya Sen

Really funny jokes-Thief in Paris

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."
“I had no Monet ..
“to buy Degas ..
“to make the Van Gogh.”
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ."

Quotes

* The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde

* Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.

* I don't question YOUR existence. - God

Office humor jokes-Delete button

Short adult jokes-Grandpa

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa: "Yes,but only oral."
John says: "What is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you 2."

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries

Good jokes-Snake bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

Humor jokes- A Proven New Yorker

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out
my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him."

Humor pictures-Fancy drive

Adult humor jokes-Breast Implants

A British company is developing computer chips which store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

Short humor jokes-Drunk conversation

FIRST DRUNK: I got married so that I could get laid three or five times a week."
SECOND DRUNK; "Thats strange, cause thats the reason I got divorced."

More Cricket sledges!

Ian Healy Vs Ranatunga
Ian Healy's made a legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney ... " You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!"

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan
Sarwan, the West Indies vice-captain, and McGrath went toe-to-toe in an ugly shouting match in Antigua in May 2003, The incident was sparked after Sarwan, on his way to a match-winning second-innings century, reportedly reacted to lurid taunts from McGrath by telling him he should get the answers from his wife, who was recovering from radiation therapy for secondary cancer. The details :
McGrath: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"
Sarwan: " I don't know. Ask your wife. "
McGrath (losing it): " If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*cking rip your F*fing throat out."

Mark Waugh Vs Adam Parore
Mark Waugh was standing at second slip, Adam Parore relatively new to cricket came to the crease played & missed the first ball.
Mark Waugh- "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia . You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now".
Parore- (Turning around) " Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt ".

Ravi shastri v/s Mike Whitney
Its common knowledge that Indian's usually don't resort to sledging, and the Aussies swear by it. In this rare ocassion the tables had turned and it was the Aussies who were at the receiving end.
Shastri hits the ball towards Mike Whitney (the 12th man in the game) and looks for a single, this guy gets the ball in and says
Whitney: " If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"
Shastri didn't bat an eyelid before replying : " If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man "

Merv Hughes Vs Cronje
Merv Hughes was one of the greatest exponents of the fine "art" of sledging. Once during a tour game in South Africa Hughes was bowling to Hansie Cronje . It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes for fours and sixes all over the place.
After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje, let out a fart and said: "Try hitting that for six ." It was five minutes before the guffawing stopped and play could resume.

Really funny jokes-Telephone Poll

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"

Good jokes-Lemon squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. But nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for IRS."

Funny pictures-Power switch

Humor jokes-Cost of Doing Business

A man owned a small business in Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department of Georgia claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my Mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week"
"The Mechanic's helper has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $500 a month."
"Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him Cigarettes and Beer," replied the Owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
The Owner says, "That would be me."

The Best Cricket Sledges

McGrath Vs Brandes(the Best one till now....)
In a showdown of best pacers of two countries, Brandes made up for his complete absence of batting skills by some displaying some great sense of humor and presence of mind.
Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: " Why are you so fat?"
Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit ."
Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Viv Richards v Greg Thomas
This incident took place during a county championship match between Glamorgan and Somerset.
Glamorgan quickie Greg Thomas had beaten Viv Richards' bat a couple of times and informed the legendary West Indian ace: " It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering ."
The very next ball was given the King Viv treament and smashed out of the ground, into a river - at which point Richards piped up: " Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and find it ."

Merv Hughes and Viv Richards:
Merv Hughes usually never short of a word while on the field, rarely keeps quite. During a test match in the West Indies Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. " This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: " In my culture we just say f*ck off. "

Sachin Tendulkar Vs Abdul Qadir
The year was 1989, the little master had recently made his debut in Pakistan . Sachin not even old enough to get a driving licence Sachin Tendulkar was facing the best bowlers in the business.. As the Pakistani crows jeered and mocked Sachin holding out the placards saying "" Dudh Pita Bhachcha ..ghar jaake dhoodh pee", (hey kid, go home and drink milk), Sachin sent the then young leg spinner Mustaq Ahmed hiding for cover (he had hit two sixes in one over. The frustaded mentor of Mustaq Ahmed the legendary Abdul Qadir challenges Sachin saying " Bachchon ko kyon mar rahe ho? Hamein bhi maar dikhao` (`Why are you hitting kids? Try and hit me.`).
Sachin was silent, since then we all have come to know that he lets his bat do the talking. Abdul Quadir had made a simple request and Sachin obliged, and how. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6 6 6, David had felled Goliath .... and a legend was born.

Short humor jokes-Suicide Bombers

A suicide bomber detonated his jacket but it failed to explode. However the bomber passes out due to fright. When he comes to he is in the hospital with a pretty looking nurse in white staring at him.
First question: "Where are the rest of the virgins?"

Life cycle backwards

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

Humor pictures-Lord of the Rings!

Really funny jokes-Revenge

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-
"Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Humor jokes-Baggers

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."

Blonde jokes-Cheating

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!

Humor in Uniform

Really funny jokes-Golf ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."

Good jokes-Ackward Age

Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

Children jokes-The last commandment

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 'Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.'

Short adult jokes-Sleeping with

Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

Humor jokes-So is Life

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration. "
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

Britney Spears

At the studio....Normal again!

Short humor jokes-Greetings

A woman walks into a gynecologist's office who greets her with: At your cervix, madam!
The woman replies: Dilated to meet you!

Management training program

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.
After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …
"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"
Moral : No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

Office humor jokes-Air bag

Short humor jokes-Chicken

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies,
"That's ok, I only want a drink."

Humor jokes-How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Good jokes-Cyclone

A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.
It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.
The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said.
"We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared,"
she said between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

Adult jokes-Name

A woman scans the guests at a party and spots an attractive man standing alone, so she approaches him.
"Hi......... ... My name is Carmen", she tells him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replies, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she says. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I love the most ........cars and men."
"And .....What's your name?" she ask.
He replies, "B. J. Titsenbeer".

Really funny jokes-Who does what

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee ."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

Celebrity news-Angelina Jolie with her children

Humor jokes-Plumber

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

Good jokes-Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

Humor pictures-Mystery of x

Short humor jokes-All gone

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Really funny jokes-Hungry in Heaven

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries.
Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.
But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
He said, ". . . For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Adult humor jokes-Cricket way

Santu Singh married Pritee from India, brought her to Hawaii and celebrated their first Honeymoon night.
In the morning Santu Singh winked at Pritee and asked, "And, how did you like my shot between those fine legs of yours?"
Pritee replied, "Ya you had a nice shot there, but see you are not my opening batsman."

Humor jokes-Why is a ship called "She"

A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about', she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming into port, always heads for the buoys.

Good jokes-The silent treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Funny pictures-Sex for a while!

Really funny jokes-Very bad week

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."

Doctor jokes-In safe hands

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don't worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it's the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

Children jokes-Mother's silence

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.
The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Adult jokes-Handbag

Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!

Humor jokes-Unique Parrot

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"This is the only parrot we have, and his name is, Chet."
"He's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman.
"If you put a lighted match under his right foot, Chet will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under Chet's left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately.
That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought, and said, "This is Chet."
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does he know any tricks?" asked the wife.
The man smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under Chet's right foot.
Sure enough, the parrot began to sing, 'Jingle Bells.'
Then he put the match under Chet's left foot, and he began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked. "I don't know, lets see," replied the man.
So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.
The parrot started singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."

Humor pictures-Camera friendly!

Short humor jokes-Inseparable

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Really funny jokes-A Moth

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well .... the light was on..."

Good jokes-Luckiest Day

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing..........
but not the poor groom!

Adult humor jokes-Premature

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Humor jokes-Guardian angel

A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Funny pictures-The climb

Short humor jokes-First soft drink

Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

Good jokes-Women's English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

Children jokes-History

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.