Humor in Uniform-Female crew

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan "
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendant came by he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," he said, "I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing, Sargeant," said the crew member, "We no longer call it the Cockpit"
"It's The Box Office"

Short adult jokes-Raped

Judge: So, when did you realize that you were raped?
Prostitute: When the cheque bounced!

Humor jokes-Aptitude Test

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny: SIX.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Really funny jokes-New priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?.... what happened next?"

Doctor jokes-Eating properly

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon in his hair. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
"It's obvious," the doctor replies. ''You're not eating properly."

Funny pictures-Show off!

Humor jokes-Snoring

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched ME all night long."

Short adult jokes-One cookie

Mary: Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie, but you have to buy whole bag to get one?
Jill: Right! Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you have to buy the whole box of a dozen!
Mary: And the hotel charges for the whole night when you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!

Good jokes : Ex-mother-in- law

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
"Why?" his buddy asks. "What happened?"
The first guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in- law on the front porch. She asked me, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'"
"Wow," says his buddy. "What'd you tell her?"
"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."

Life-Confidence

A business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him. "I can see that something is troubling you," he said. After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said, "I believe I can help you."
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time."
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!
"I can erase my money worries in an instant!" he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
"I'm so glad I caught him!" she cried. "I hope he hasn't been bothering you. He's always escaping from the rest home and telling people he's John D. Rockefeller."
And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he'd been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn't the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.

Really funny jokes-Little Red Wagon

A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks" said the little girl. The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's' testicle.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Short adult jokes-Zip code

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Children jokes-Colors

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Short Adult jokes-Caught him lying

Jill: I had to break up with my boyfriend... . I caught him lying.
Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance to explain.
Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top of another woman.

Humor jokes-God will provide

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Life-When things go wrong...

Short adult jokes-Why Fishing is better than Sex

* A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
* You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
* You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
* Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
* Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
* Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
* A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
* A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.
* You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
* If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
* A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
* It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
* Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
* You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
* Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

Really funny jokes-Lawyer

A lawyer dies and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Before I can let you in," says St. Peter, "I need to know what you've done in your life to earn your place in Heaven."
The lawyer boastfully says, "Last week, I gave a quarter to a homeless guy."
St. Peter considers this for a moment and then says, "Well, that was a decent thing to do, I suppose, but it's not really enough to get you inside."
The lawyer thinks again for a moment, then says, "There was also a time, a couple of years ago, when I gave a quarter to a disabled veteran."
St. Peter isn't sure what to do about this, but the angel Gabriel has been watching the whole thing and calls Peter aside.
"Look," says Gabriel as he reaches into his pocket to pull out two quarters. "Just give this jerk his 50 cents back and tell him to go to hell!"

Short adult jokes-Filthy pervert

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

Children jokes-Fire truck

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Humor jokes-And God created Man

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'
The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!'
The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'
The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
Finally, GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'
That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:
MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!

Funny pictures-Expressions!

Short Adult jokes- Director commands

Director commands during shooting a porn film:
LIGHTS!
CAMERA!
MUSIC1
ERECTION (ACTION) !

Blonde jokes-Fax

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Good jokes-TGIF

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blond already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

Really funny jokes-Dreadful Sermon

The minister was shaking everyone's hand while we were leaving the church. I shook his hand and said, "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible."
As the minister stood there dumbfounded, My wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He only repeats what he hears others say."

Short adult jokes-Medical history

Medical history was recently made at a famous children's hospital. A baby boy was born with no eye lids so they fashioned replacements with his circumcised foreskin. Everything seemed fine until they realized he turned out cock-eyed.

Humor jokes-Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.
A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today!"

Short adult jokes-Sleep with..

"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.
"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"

Good jokes-Scared to fly!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"Did you fix the noise?" asked the passenger.
"No. It just took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Children jokes-Writing a story

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

Short adult jokes-Sex in dark

According to a recent poll, both men and women like to have sex in the dark.
It's because they're afraid to see what they've brought home!

Funny statements-Makes you want to think...

* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

* Does fuzzy logic tickle?

* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

* A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Humor pictures-Winter skating

Short adult jokes-Three meals

Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Humor jokes-Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly
walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it."

Short humor jokes-Tarzan

What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?
Wow! New Underwear.

Short adult jokes-Sign above bed

A couple got married. The bride being religious hung a sign on the wall above her side of the bed. The sign said, "I need thee everyday".
A week later the groom got a sign made and hung it over his side of the bed. The sign said:
"God, give me strength."

Blonde jokes-25 cents

Guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like...
Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!!

Humor pictures-Mouthing the organ!

Short adult jokes-the ladies at lunch

Mary: I think I showed remarkable restraint yesterday.
Jill: What happened?
Mary: I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork for my back-pain therapist. One of the questions was, "Do you have this pain during sexual activity?" I wrote simply, "Don't know," rather than, "How the hell should I know? I haven't been screwed properly and well since 1994."

Humor statements-Pun Intended

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

Children jokes-Calculations

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie!, What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Short adult jokes-Behind

Behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man,
But behind a SATISFIED woman, there are several EXHAUSTED men...

Humor jokes-Bus

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."

Short adult jokes-Lipstick on collar

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking off my shirt."

Good jokes-Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Bollywood hot actresses-Kareena

Really funny jokes-Mother's Helper

Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

Short adult jokes-Doggy style

Doctor: Your knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can’t!

Humor jokes-Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''
Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think .''

Short adult jokes-Embarrass

How do you embarrass an Archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A Mother is Special.

A mother is special.
She's as soft and graceful as a butterfly,
yet as strong and courageous as a grizzly bear.
Her heart is large enough to hold everyone's pain and joy.
Her hands are always gentle and soothing.
Her arms are always warm and tender.
She works hard to make a home feel like home,
and she strives to make life pleasant and comfortable for those she loves.
She never fails to go that extra mile to make the holidays happy and memorable.
Her job is the most difficult and demanding ever known to any human being,
yet she's fully dedicated to the task.
She's always there for her family, guiding them and keeping them safe from harm.
She owns a magical way to raise spirits and make everything feel better.
And her sympathy, unselfishness and forgiveness are unending.
All that anyone is or could ever hope to be can be attributed to a mother.
She instills the teachings that will last a lifetime.
She sows the seeds of virtue and morality, and in the process,
she opens up love and vast horizons.
She's always watching and hoping that her children's goals will have meaning.
She always listens and tries to understand even when it's difficult to do so.
She's a true friend in every sense of the word.
She's noble and sublime, and holds all the beauty of a golden day,
yet even during the storms, she always shines bright like an evening star.
Her name should be honored well,
for she's the closest thing to God on earth.

Scary Joke!

This guy was on the side of the road, hitch hiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel..The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila,and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!

Short humor jokes-Chase

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Short adult jokes-Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Good jokes-No witness

A tough bank robber barged into a bank and yelled loudly with a raised gun,
"This is a bank robbery, everybody surrender. He quickly rounded up all the customers along with wetpant bank guard together, then rushed to the teller and asked her to fill up his bag with money, which she did.
He then turned to a shivering rounded up customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer thought truth always wins, so he said, ""Yes sir, I saw you rob this bank." The robber fired the gun and bang, shot the man dead.
Then he turned to a shivering couple and asked the husband, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No, no, no, sir I did not, but this my wife, she sure did."

Short adult jokes-37 Mating positions

The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign advertising, "Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions."
The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about chess.

Funny statement

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

Humor jokes-Three wishes

A Bear and a Rabbit didn't like each other very much but were casual friends, One day they met a talking frog in a divine pond. The kind frog offered them each three wishes for being his guests.
The Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. The Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. the Bear was amazed at Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
The Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
The Bear could not believe it and complained that Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Rabbit for his last wish.
The Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that this Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Bollywood hot actresses-Neha Dhupia

Short adult jokes-Soft heart

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 1221."

Really funny jokes-Peacefully

Dear Diary,
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
John

Humor jokes-Mad

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named
Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

Short humor jokes-Difference

What is the difference between movie theater refreshments and movies at a police stag party?
One is pop corn the other is cop porn.

Humor jokes-Movie Tickets

I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Ten dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Ten dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "Okay, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."

Humor pictures-Squirrel fight

Short adult jokes-Short Man

A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman. He propositioned her and all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually he went to bed with the woman but his friends had to put him up to it

Animal jokes-Quotes on Dogs

* The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

* There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

* A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

* The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

* Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. - Anonymous

* Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

* If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise- Unknown

* My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein

* Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

* If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

* Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

* If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

Short adult jokes-Groom with Golf bag

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Money

I met Money one day - I said you are just a piece of paper.
Money smiled and said
"Of course I am a piece of paper,
But I haven't seen a Dustbin yet in Life".

What is a Grandparent?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

-Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
-A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
-Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
-When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
-They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
-They don't say, "Hurry up."
-They wear glasses and funny underwear.
-They can take their teeth and gums out.
-They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
-When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
-Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
-They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say
prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
-It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Short Adult jokes-Poetry

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.

Good jokes-Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Bollywood hot actresses-Cute Ayesha

Short humor jokes-Environmental effects of oil

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

Really funny jokes-New Apartment

A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Short adult jokes-Little Friend

Doug brought Tammy back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend."
Tammy took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said, "Call me when it grows up."

Humor jokes-Dinner

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."