Humor jokes-Good & Bad news

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
'I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

Short adult jokes-Perfect

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

Funny pictures-Keyboard humor

Short humor jokes

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
'Good Lord, it's morning.'

Good jokes-Dentist

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?
That was my dentist.

Short adult jokes-Three dreams of a man

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

Doctor jokes-Cavity

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good God !" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc !" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't !" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

Really funny jokes-Contemporary Art

A feisty little old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, "What on earth is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Funny statements

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Humor jokes-Perfect

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

Short adult jokes-Good and Bad gals

What's the difference between good & bad gals?
Good gals loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!

Funny pictures-The simple truth

Really funny jokes-Serious talk

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Like' with her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It' s only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, ' Ed said to his newfound lady friend.. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker'
'I see', Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought..... Then he added 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

Short humor jokes-Recording

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'

Life-The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years-- and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment
of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge -- if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.
He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times,
then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said.
"I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

Short adult jokes-Count

Que. Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Ans. Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Doctor jokes-Primary care doctor

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Jokes and humor--Settling the children

About 90 sixth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air and the crew began trying to serve soft drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down so the beverages could be served and the other passengers could get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until, as the pilot, I thought of the solution that actually worked: I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there."

Really funny jokes-Conversation with Beer bottles

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall
swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved.... .

Adult funny jokes-Retirement Center

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Humor jokes-Family

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Exercise Routine

The doctor told me, "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy idiom exercise program I can do right at work:

Monday
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Change my mind.
Wade through paperwork.
Give a rip.
Make a Killing.
Jog my memory.

Tuesday
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Go overboard.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Make a Federal Case.
Go through the roof.
Open a window of opportunity.
Take it to the limit.

Wednesday
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Raise a stink.
Run around in circles.
Do the Math.
Play Possum.
Kick a habit.
Hold the bag.
Run amuck.
Throw a game.
Tip the scales.
Weather the storm.

Thursday
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Stand my ground.
Bite off more than I can chew.
Add fuel to the fire.
Make a big to-do.
Quake in my boots.

Friday
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Straighten out red tape.
Punch my ticket.
Run with the Big Dogs.
Go from hand to mouth.
Pitch a fit
Go over the hill.
Pound the pavement.

Saturday
Chase rainbows.
Run my mouth.
Twiddle my thumbs
Play mind games
See the light
Pick up the pieces.
Beat a hasty retreat
Watch my P's and Q's.
Pick up the pace.
Play on my heart strings.

Whew! What a workout! And that does it for another hard week....

Short humor jokes-Husband

A husband is a man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Sarcastic jokes-Identity crisis

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop! right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls…You must be a POLITICIAN'

Funny toons-Vanished!

Really funny jokes-Dirty Magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be
penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,
"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Valentine's Day Oneliners

* What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"

* What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

* What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

* Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

* Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!

Adult jokes-Virgins

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.
One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

Children jokes-In love with classmate

A third grader went home and told her mother she was in love with a classmate and was going to marry him.
"That's fine" said her mother, going along with the gag. "Does he have a job?"
The little girl replied, "Oh, yes. He erases the black-board in our class."

Humor jokes-Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy...This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

Really funny jokes-Dog

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

Jokes and humor

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright."
The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action.
The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.
The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."
The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Humor pictures-Knock me down!

Good jokes-Socialism VS Capitalism

Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs -- what her dad dismissed as "redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured.
To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism."
That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
Then Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."

Animal humor jokes-Vampire's night out

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Divorce Joke

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully",
The divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour", the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself".

Short adult jokes-Sex

Sex is like your income… You never disclose what you get, but you always think others are getting more!

Humor jokes-Detective

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes, ma'am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

Life

For all those men who say, why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here's an update for you:
Today, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Really funny jokes-Marriage made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car!
BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter.
"Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see
what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then He looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's
permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization
almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the groundshook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!! ! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Short adult jokes-Between the sheets

"Dinner, wine, music, dancing, flowers -- he used all the moves to get me between the sheets," Jill confessed to her best friend.
"And. what happened?"
Jill sighs and says, "All of them worked!"

Really funny jokes-The Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

Short humor jokes-Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."

Charlie Chaplin-3rd place

Short adult jokes-Eternity

What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

Humor jokes-Missing wig

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk..
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.
"I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said.
"Why do you think your wig was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap- looking and ugly. It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"
"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Short humor jokes-Drive

"Daddy, before you married Mom, who told you how to drive?"

Really funny jokes-Everything In Heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship- style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Doctors reporting-Have baby

A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

Short adult jokes-Screw or walk

Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers."

Good jokes-You Caught My Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Life-You are next ..

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,"You are next".
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Short adult jokes

If guys had periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

Humor jokes - NO!

"Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?"
"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."
"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"
"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'NO' for the last time."

Sarcastic jokes-Lawyer

It was so cold last winter...
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Funny toons-Rendezvous in Hay

Short Adult jokes-Sperm bank

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" Phil cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

Really funny jokes-Bubba's sister

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, ' Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!' Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'
'Denise,' the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, 'Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.
'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies, 'Denephew.'

Children jokes-What is a Grandparent?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
-Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
-A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
-Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
-When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
-They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
-They don't say, "Hurry up."
-They wear glasses and funny underwear.
-They can take their teeth and gums out.
-They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
-When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
-Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
-They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
-It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Quickies

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!

Doctor jokes-Mess

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."