The Name Game

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg , he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

Short humor jokes-It works!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

Short adult jokes-Older

Q: Why do women prefer older gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!

Really funny jokes-Like the wife

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Humor jokes-A coincidence

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle. That's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders.
"Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have an identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds of something like that happening"?
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine-hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."

Animal jokes-High fence

Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.
One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.
Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.
The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.
One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?"
"Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate."

Good jokes-Genie

An Irishman found an old oil lamp and rubbed it. Out came a Genie who said, "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
The Irishman scratched his head for a few moments, then answered, "I wish for a bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted master" replied the Genie and produced the bottle.
The Irishman was delighted and immediately poured himself a tall glass of the dark brew. After he drained the glass he picked up the bottle and sure enough it was full again. The Irishman got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for three weeks before he remembered that he had two more wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.
"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You remember that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Short adult jokes-Social security sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Really funny jokes-Supplies

There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine. The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them "Well, you know, I don't usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I'll give you a try. I want you, the Irishman, to go back in the mine and work on digging, you have the muscles to get the task done well every day. You, the Russian, I want you to cart out the coal every day and load it into the trains. And you, the Japanese man, I want you to be in charge of providing supplies to the people in the mine."
Well, on the second day, the boss goes down to th mine to check in on his new employees. He sees the Russian toting coal up out of the mines and loading it onto the trains and he's satisfied. He goes down into the mine to check on the Irishman and the Japanese man. Well, he sees the Irishman digging out the coal, but the Japanese man is nowhere in sight. He asks the Irishman if he's seen him lately and he responds "No, nobody has seen him all day, we're running low on supplies down here."
Fearing the worst, the boss starts wandering around the mine looking for his worker. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of rubble, the Japanese man jumps out, scaring the crap out of the boss and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

Funny statements

I knew a woman who was friends with a bunch of soldiers. It was a platoonic relationship.

Humor jokes-Mime class

A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger.
"What's wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate.
"Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?"
"How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"

Really funny jokes-Hunting

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Short sarcastic jokes

01. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

Short adult jokes-Orgasm

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Humor pictures-Smoking pot

Sports humor-Great moments in sport

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Children jokes-Babies

A three-year-old' s mother was pregnant and so was the family dog. So the father thought it would be a good time to explain where babies come from.
So, when the day came, dad took the boy to watch the puppies being born. The boy stood wide-eyed and watched the birth of the puppies, all five of them, but said very little.
Months later, on the day of his Mom's delivery, the child went to the hospital. Before visiting his mother, his dad took him to the nursery to meet his new sister.
As he looked at the row of babies through the nursery window, his eyes grew wide as he asked, "Are all of these ours?"

Humor jokes-Diana

There was a particular nurse who seemed to set off a panic reaction in the patients she was assisting. When a patient was rolled onto his side to be washed and he would be facing her, he would suddenly become distressed and resist movement by the nursing staff.
It surfaced that the name of the nurse was Diane, or Di for short.
When patients were being asked to cooperate they were told, "Now, roll over to Di..."

Short adult jokes-Sperm bank

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum

Really funny jokes-The Brooklyn Rabbi

A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse an angry crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said seriously, "I would take up a collection."

Office humor jokes-Change?

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately' .
He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.
The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington but don't count on things smelling any better!

Funny toons-Pregnant

Short sarcastic jokes

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Life-Wet pants

Come with me to a third grade classroom... ..
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.
He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it..
When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.
As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself,
"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.
All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz! "
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."
May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.
Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can.

Short adult jokes-Loud sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Humor jokes-Worried to death

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the woman, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The woman leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Really funny jokes-Plaster cast

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Animal jokes-Everything about you

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?".
No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Short adult jokes-Blind date

Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?
Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a trois."
Mary: Oh, Dear!
Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!

Children jokes-Smart boy

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Humor pictures-Lost dog

Classic jokes-Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down or about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Funny statements-Best Actors

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

Teacher humor jokes-Help

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Really funny jokes-Dinner trouble

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

Short Adult jokes-Date

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home. The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Humor jokes-Hitchhiker

John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately! "
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a wallet, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?

Good jokes-A dying Scotsman

On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

Short adult jokes

Dear Madam:
Thank you for your recent order from our Sex Toys shop
You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display
Please select another item because that is our FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Sarcastic jokes-Stolen towels

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."

Short humor jokes

People want the front of the bus,
The back of the church,
And
The centre of attention.

Really funny jokes-Arithmetic class

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"

Humor pictures-Next Life

Short adult jokes-Similarity

Que. What is the similarity between Sex and doing surgery?
Ans. Skill is more important than the instrument.

Bizarre Phobias

Coprophobia - Fear of Feces
Dextrophobia - Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Alektorophobia - Fear of chickens.
Olfactophobia - Fear of smells.
Anablephobia - Fear of looking up.
Phronemophobia - Fear of thinking.
Tonsurphobia - Fear of haircuts.
Anthophobia - Fear of roses.

Animal jokes-Bark

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Humor jokes-Sixtieth Anniversary

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweet-hearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty- thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Short humor jokes-Breakable

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

Really funny jokes-Dependent

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about the many things of life... in between... we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her, "Darling, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die."
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towardsme...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer !!
....I ALMOST DIED !!

Short adult jokes-Viagra

Q: Why is taking Viagra like an attraction at Disneyland?
A: You have to wait an hour for a two minute ride!

Humor jokes-Confession

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Jokes and Humor - Parking Blues

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

Life Quotes

An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding; and it is not to be found in foreign lands, but in the heart itself.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Short adult jokes

Early to bed, early to rise, your girl goes out with other guys.

Sarcastic jiokes-A Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.
Thought For the Day: If only men would listen!

Really funny jokes-The Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Children jokes-Family Vacation

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"