Sarcastic jokes-Good News Are Hard to Take

A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid the shock would give him a heart attack.
So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?"
And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church."
At which the pastor fell over dead.

Humor jokes-Bubba's hearing

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba Dean slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what ya want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need ya to pray for my hearin'."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba' ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts a finger in Bubba's other ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearin' now?"
Bubba ays, "I don't know Preacher, it ain't 'til 10:00 next Wednesday mornin'."

Short humor jokes-Clock

What did one clock say to the other clock when it was frightened?
"Don't be alarmed."

Adult jokes-Huge guy

A little guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy, on seeing the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down and brings him to life, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!"

Good jokes-Pretend

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him sweetly, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, serve it and wash the dishes."

Doctor jokes-Emergency call

To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."

Short adult jokes-Atheist

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

Humor jokes-Missed

A businessman and a priest were playing golf one afternoon.
The businessman swung his iron and missed completely. "Bugger it, missed!" he snarled.
The priest admonished the businessman. "Don't swear like that, my son!" he said.
"Sorry," the businessman said. "I'll try to be more careful.
But it happened again. He swung without success and once again exclaimed, "Bugger it, missed!" Again the priest admonished him and again he apologized.
When it happened for a third time, the priest was livid. "God will surely punish you if you don't stop!" he lectured. The businessman promised to behave himself.
For the fourth try, he took careful aim, swung and missed, and once again, started with the same exclamation. He got as far as "Bugg..."
when there was a loud boom of thunder and a bolt of lightning that struck the golf course, missing the businessman by only a couple of feet.
A moment later, a voice boomed from the Heavens: "Bugger it, missed!"

Really funny jokes-Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to h arm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back
But -- the METHODIST CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Short humor jokes-Vampire's meals

Where does a vampire find it most convenient to get his meals from?
His neck store neighbor

Life-Five levels of hangover

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the giant burrito from the 3:00 AM Mexican taco place adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out on your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Blonde jokes-Dinner

What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations

Adult one liner

Never trust a girl who says she loves you more than anyone else in the world; i
t shows she has been experimenting.

Funny pictures-Only a few bottles

Short adult jokes-Gay

Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

Doctor jokes-Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Funny statements-Middle age

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Humor jokes-Bedtime story

A girl of seven walked into her mother's bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn't thrilled with the request. She said, "It's almost two in the morning."
"I know, Mommy, but I'd love to hear a story."
The mother said, "Lie down in bed with me. We'll wait for your father and he'll tell us both one!"

Short adult jokes-Safe sex

What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
Locking the truck door.

Good jokes-Heart attack

Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
Ada happily attended her granddaughter' s wedding.
Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously.
One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter' s wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year guarantee... "

Really funny jokes-Comfortable underwear

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choiceI asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

Humor jokes-Widow

To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."
"You've found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct, Father, he surely did-But I didn't."

Really funny jokes-Preach

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind".
The pastor shouted out "CROSS".
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".
The pastor hollered out "GRACE".
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".
The pastor said, "POWER".
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".
The Pastor said, "SEX".
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all! nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

Children jokes-Satan

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Short adult jokes-Premature ejaculation

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.

Humor jokes-Ask if married

One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men. "I have a question for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."

Sports humor-Golf fanatic

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied. "

Short humor jokes-Engine failure

A friend of mine was learning how to fly and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft. His reply, "If one engine fails, the other one will always get you to the scene of the accident."

Funny pictures-Dentist humor

Really funny jokes-Pregnant student

The Old Professor was administering a test in College, when he noticed that one of his students, who was quite obviously pregnant, kept rubbing her side.
Before the student left, he asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
The Old Professor, feeling genuinely relieved, said, "Well, that's good."
"Yeah," commented the girl, "It's strange, too. He normally sleeps during your class."

Doctor jokes-Play doctor

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Short adult jokes-Powder Viagra

Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea.
It does nothing for erections, but it stops your biscuits from going soft.

Humor jokes-Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord, have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman! "

Short humor jokes-Date

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, they had an apple.

Famous last words

-> What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
-> Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
-> Pull the pin and count to what?
-> Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-> I wonder where the mother bear is.
-> I've seen this done on TV.
-> These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-> I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-> What's that priest doing here?
-> You look just like Charles Manson.
-> Let it down slowly.
-> Rat poison only kills rats.
-> OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
-> It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
-> I'll get your toast out.
-> Give me liberty or give me death.
-> Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
-> It's strong enough for both of us.
-> This doesn't taste right.
-> I can make this light before it changes.
-> Nice doggie.
-> I can do that with my eyes closed.
-> I've done this before.
-> Well we've made it this far.
-> That's odd.
-> Hey that's not a violin.
-> I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
-> I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
-> You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Funny statements-Merge

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Short adult jokes-Car Insurance

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Humor pictures-So lickable

Word alteration

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. (a favorite)
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Really funny jokes-Praying for 60 years

In Jerusalem, a Reuters journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
'I'm Rebecca Smith from Reuters. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?'
'For about 60 years.'
'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'
'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.'
'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'
'Like I'm talking to a wall.'

Humor jokes-Family members

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued.
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Real life jokes-Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, 'that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,' were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'
Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the ''Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky 'statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. 'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

Children jokes-Bragging about Father

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing.20My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

Adult one liner-Impotent

Definition of an Impotent Loser- A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

Office humor jokes-Post Office

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day. He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"
The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

Funny statements-Love & Marriage

Love is blind but marriage is an eyeopener.

Humor jokes-Sunday paper

"WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday .... the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. ... as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, darn it ... so that's why no one was at church today."

Funny cartoons-Lure

Good jokes-Toilet paper

A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page 287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper!!"

Humor jokes-DVD

A couple had recently purchased the DVD from a movie that they and their best friends, Tom and Carol, had really wanted to see in the theater. Unfortunately, they had all missed it. So they invited the friends over to watch it.
Since Tom's mother (92 years old) lived with them, and being a bit leery of leaving her home alone, they brought her along. And so, after exchanging greetings, they put the DVD in the player and settled back to enjoy the movie.
It had been a long day/week for Tom, however, and they noticed that Tom kept nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it finally startled him awake.
He shook it off the first few times, but eventually turned to Carol and told it was time to leave, as his mother must be getting tired.
Grandma was indignant! She rapped him on the head, playfully, and pointed out to him who was REALLY tired.
Then she looked to their hosts and said, "My dears, next time you invite me, I'll be sure to leave the children at home."

Short adult jokes-Saggy

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we are nuts!"

Sarcastic jokes-Beer

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then one fine day I caught her spending 65$ on makeup.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think shes coming back.

Really funny jokes-Silent debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told
him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Short humor jokes

Do you know what's wrong with political jokes?
They get elected

Doctor jokes-A short history of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Humor jokes-Rare books

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

Sarcastic jokes-Dog's life

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

Short adult jokes-Oral activity

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Really funny jokes-Two beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!

Funny statements-Conclusions

Then there was the parachute maker who was on trial for selling defective products. He said his accusers had jumped to conclusions.

Office humor jokes-Job Abbreviations

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.
"I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Funny pictures-To whom it may concern