Humor pictures-Doesn't learn at home!

Short humor jokes-Cannibal

First Cannibal: "We've just captured a movie star." Second Cannibal:
"Great! I was hoping for a good ham sandwich."

Really funny jokes-Million bucks

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

Humor jokes-Quilt

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered,
'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said,
'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

Good jokes-Sisterly comment

My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."

Animal jokes-The mightiest

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

Doctor jokes-Bad news

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Short adult jokes-Common

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it.

Really funny jokes-Taken to drinking

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

Funny statements-Poet

When a vampire decided to become a poet, everyone said he went from bat to verse.

Short humor jokes-University Drive

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class."

Funny pictures-Driving

Short adult jokes-Sheikh

A sheikh employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off. This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you...it's the running after it that does."

Good jokes-Secret of a happy married life

Once Xain asked Yash, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Yash said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then there will be no problems."
Xain asked, "Can you explain?"
Yash said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Xain asked Yash "Give me some examples?"
Yash said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
Xain asked, "Then what is your role?"
Yash said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq , whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these!"

Humor in uniform

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the
treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the
snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

Really funny jokes-Learnings from Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self restraint, forgiveness, and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Children jokes-Shame on you

My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only,"Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.
A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."
Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed,
"Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign."

Funny statements-Head of the family

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

Good jokes-On line dating

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I've tried on-line dating. I haven't met anyone in person yet because the guys always stop writing before we can set up a date. I don't know what it is. Perhaps that handsome athletic thirty-two-year- old doctor was lying about his age, got grounded, and lost his Internet privileges. Or maybe it was something I said, "I'd love to meet for coffee. Thursday's are best for me. That's when my neighbor picks up my four kids from my three previous marriages."

Humor jokes-Accident Investigation

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror. "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room? I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."

Doctor jokes-Deal

A guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, 'Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later.'

Short adult jokes-Bridge game

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Really funny jokes-A heightened state of alert

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to" A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate. " The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Funny statements

After he bought his two-year-old a felt pen, he was a marked man.

Short humor jokes-Golfing

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
"Golfing with friends, my dear."
"What? At 2 a.m.?!"
"Yes, We used night clubs."

Humor pictures-Freedom

Short adult jokes-Porno

QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
ANS : Deep freeze

Sports humor-Fan

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just a turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
"You Know" he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime"

Funny statements-Bird imitations

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

Really funny jokes-Defense

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly".

Humor jokes-Fool

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL".
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.
"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

Children jokes-Pope

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.
The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"

Short humor jokes-Old lady

The doctor's waiting room was packed with patients.
After about two hours of waiting and waiting, an old lady stood up and said, "Tell the doc I went home to die a natural death!"

Animal jokes

Short adult jokes

What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.

Really funny jokes-Singing telegram

It was the morning of Ralph's birthday and there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Bob asked.
"Telegram!" was the reply.
Enthusiastically, Ralph opened the door and asked the messenger boy,
"Is it a singing telegram?"
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams," the messenger replied.
"Oh, but I've always wanted to receive a singing telegram!" Ralph said. "Couldn't you just bend the rules a little and make an old man happy?"
"I'm sorry, sir, it wouldn't be appropriate, " replied the messenger.
"Please," Ralph pleaded, "After all, today is my birthday."
"OK, if you insist," the messenger said. He unfolded the telegram and began singing,
"Dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead..."

Adult jokes-More Than She Could Handle!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was just 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and some were worried about him since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.
But next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked concerned. "Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Oh, goodness," she said. "When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!"

Humor jokes-Ask if married

One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men. "I have a question for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."

Funny statements-Tests

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

Good jokes-OUR

Wife: And another thing I want to tell you. I've noticed every time you talk, you say my house, my automobile, my chair, my shoes; everything's yours. You never say ours. I'm your partner. I'm your wife. It should be ours.
The husband paid no attention to his wife and just kept looking around the room for something.
Wife: What are you looking for?
Husband: Our pants!

Short adult jokes-Improve

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Really funny jokes-Accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!

Life-The passing of a friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student - but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Humor jokes-Kid's tantrum

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Animal jokes-Can't see well

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn' t the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Children jokes-Lions

Eight-year-old Benny's father took him to the zoo one afternoon.
The boy asked his father all kinds of questions about the various animals they visited.
They eventually came to the fenced-in preserve where they kept the lions. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong the lions were. Benny was hanging on every word.
"Daddy," he asked, "If a lion ever jumped over that fence and ate you up..."
"Yes, son?" the father said.
Benny added, "What bus should I take home?"

Sports humor-Ransom

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."

Short adult jokes-Common

What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
After the first year they are only given on special occasions.

Doctor jokes-Prescription

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.
Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.
It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.
And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

Funny statements

What's the difference between a film and a witch's brew?
One is a motion picture and the other a potion mixture.

Really funny jokes-Lamaze class

A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him.
"Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would," says the lamaze instructor.
The husband smiles slyly. "You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks.
"Yes, exactly how your wife would," the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently.
The man looks at his wife, and says, "Honey, pick up that pencil."

Funny toon pictures-Inflatable

Short adult jokes-Texan

A tall Texan rancher in a tall Stetson hat strode into a rather sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed the veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, "Ah shore do wish Ah had a little pussy."
She glanced up at him without stopping and said, "So do I. Mine's as big as your hat."

Humor jokes-New Dog Officer

During a county-wide drive to round up all the unlicensed dogs, the new dog officer signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I do all the driving."

Funny thoughts-Algebra

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, the Senator said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.

Short humor jokes-Shrinking

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Life-Barefoot

An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December:
A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?"
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?"

Short adult jokes-Oral sex

How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.

Really funny jokes-Sleepovers

When my wife's sister, Patty was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered
around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.
"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"
The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four! "
Rory got to spend the night...