After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Really funny financial meltdown jokes-Deposits

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.

Office humor jokes-Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. It's obviously a good idea.

Funny statements

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Humor jokes-Airport play set

A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly - actually, a lot of assembly - was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.
As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.
"You are not going to believe this," he said.
"The one piece missing... is the luggage!"

Financial meltdown jokes

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Animal jokes-Talking dog

A man and his dog walked into a bar. The man approached the bartender and said, "I'll bet you a round of drinks my dog can talk."
The bartender said, "OK, go ahead."
The man asked his dog, "What covers a house?" the dog answered, "Roof!"
The man asked his dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" the dog answered "Rough!"
The man asked his dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog answered, "Ruth!" The man turned to the bartender and said, "See? I told you he could talk. Now pay up!"
Instead, the bartender threw both of them out of the bar.
Standing on the sidewalk, the dog looked at his master and said, "Perhaps I should have said Joe DiMaggio?"

Humor pictures-Old age blues

Short adult jokes-First oral contraceptive

The doctor was lecturing a class on sex. He asked, "Do you know what the first oral contraceptive was?"
A coed said, "No"
The doctor said, "Exactly!"

Really funny jokes-Age verification

I was at a baseball game in Yankee Stadium, when I decided to get myself a hot dog. As I stood up, my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see
verification of age.
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old."
He apologized, but she said he had to see some ID, it was policy.
When I showed him my driver's license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $6.25, please." he said.
I gave him $7.00 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.
He put the change into his tip cup and replied, "Thanks."
And as I walked away, I heard him add, "Works every time."

Humor jokes-Football

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair.
His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"

Children jokes-Letters to God

A Nun asked her class to write a letter to God. Here are some of the results:

-> Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and making new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? - Johnny

-> Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. It worked with me and my brother.
- Larry

-> Dear God:
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
- Mickey

-> Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita

-> Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
- Norma

-> Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Michael

Christmas humor picture

An Italian Merry Christmas

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.
So, I was wrong. Sue me.
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.
"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two "sounds-fine-to-me". What more could I want? Christmas was set!
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.
7p.m. - we arrive.
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.
My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being!"
7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.
Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."
My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.
8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.
"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands, "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."
My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says,"are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."
8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.
Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.
As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."
I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?" No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms."
My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest also.
My Uncle Antonio doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the tablecloth with his fingernails.
10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says. Fun?
No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.
But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house."
Sounds fine to me.

Short humor jokes-Learning to fly

A friend of mine was learning how to fly and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft. His reply,
"If one engine fails, the other one will always get you to the scene of the accident."

Dirty jokes-Farting problem

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed.
Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

Short adult jokes-Honeymooning

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."
"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"
"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

Really funny jokes-Hoya

The presidential candidate was campaigning at a local Indian Reservation in a hotly contested battleground swing state. He had thought that by shoring up the Native American vote, he could possibly tip the state in his favor.
The members were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" he pledged.
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The candidate did not know what that meant, but he was encouraged by the natives' enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a casino on the reservation! " he shouted out to the crowd. "I will put that at the top of my agenda!"
The crowd chanted even louder, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
"I will push for more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" he continued. "That's not just an empty campaign promise!"
"Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" the crowd continued, stomping their feet.
"I am the candidate of change!" he concluded. "Vote for me and you will see results!"
Now the crowd was in a frenzied pitch. They filled the auditorium with "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" He thanked the crowd and exited the stage, pleased that he was received so well.
Later that day, the candidate was touring the Reservation with the Chief. Off in the distance he saw a tremendous herd of cattle. He asked the Chief if he could get a closer look at them.
"Sure thing," the Chief said as he switched direction toward the cattle.
As they arrived at the herd, the Chief cautioned, "Watch where you walk. Be careful not to step in the hoya."

Funny statements

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Humor jokes-Read All About It

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious to read about how 50 people were swindled, a man walked over to the newsboy and bought a paper. He opened it up, began looking through it and continued on his way.
A few minutes later he walked back to the newsboy. "I checked all through this paper," he said. "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled!"
The newsboy just continued his sales pitch: "Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!"

Funny toons-Hairdryer

Humor in uniform-Creditors

During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home.
The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name.
"You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!
The DI had to leave the room to keep us from seeing him laughing hysterically.

Children jokes-Family photos

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say,
"Here's a picture of my mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to be nice."

Adult humor jokes-Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex... "
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

Really funny jokes-The guess

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Sarcastic jokes-Insecticide

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

Short adult jokes-Essay deadline

Her professor asked the college co-ed why she didn't get her essay in by the deadline.
Her retort: "I've been too f**king busy, and vice versa."

Humor jokes-How to frustrate your Doctor!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
DOCTOR : "Ok.Which one?"
MAN (innocently) : "How would I know? All bees look the same to me."

Funny statements-Electric Chair

The electric chair is period furniture.
It ends a sentence.

Good jokes-Dream

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and said, "You wouldn't believe the dream I had."
The woman said, "Well, go on, tell me."
So the husband told her, "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
The wife said, "That sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband said, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

Really funny jokes-The box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

Children jokes-Satan

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Short adult jokes-69

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Humor jokes-Pilot and Navigator

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir,"the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Short humor jokes-Dentist boyfriend

"How is it going with your new dentist boyfriend?" A young woman asked her friend.
"Oh, it is very casual." replied her friend. "I only see him once every six months.

Sarcastic jokes-Switching Sides

A life long supporter of the people's party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the establishment party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're people through and through. Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

Funny toons-Boo!!!

Famous sexual quotes-Orgasm

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. "
- Sharon Stone

Short humor jokes

Why do boxers wear their gloves to bed?
So they can hit the sack!

Office humor jokes-Captain Can't Swim

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Funny statements-Noah's animals

All of Noah's animals went on board the ark in pairs. Except the worms. They went in apples.

Really funny jokes-50th Anniversary

Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect,
spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary? "
Pete smirked and says, "I'm going to go get her."

Short adult jokes-Closed sign

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.

Humor jokes-Labor

The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's labor and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled. A sixteen-year- old in labor was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled F**K right into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

Sarcastic jokes-Worth

Mary Ann: "Honey, what is my love worth to you?"
Basil: "Am I buying, or selling?"

Doctor jokes-Bell

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, 'Doctor' I think I'm a bell.' The doctor gave him some pills and said,
'Here, take these - if they don't work, give me a ring.'

Really funny jokes-Chandelier

The rabbi pleaded with his board of directors for more than an hour, seeking permission to purchase a new chandelier for the synagogue.
Finally the elderly board president spoke up. "Why are we wasting our time talking?" he said. "First, nobody here can even spell chandelier. Second, we've got nobody who can play one. And third, what this synagogue really needs is more light!"

Animal jokes-A Cat's Dictionary

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Im-purr-sonate: to act like the cat.
Purr-ade: an organized march of cats.
Purr-adise: the garden of Cats.
Purr-amour: a cat lover.
Purr-anoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purr-aphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purr-ch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purr-chase: anything bought for a cat.
Purr-fume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purr-gatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purr-mission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purr-petual: everlasting feline love.
Purr-plex: a house with two or more cats.
Purr-son: a male kitten.
Purr-suit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purr-verse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed

Short adult jokes-Difference

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Humor jokes-Stoplight

Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and goes right through it.
His friend says, "What are you doing?"
The driver says, "It's okay, my brother does it all the time."
They come up to another stoplight and they go right through.
His friend says, "You are out of your mind."
The driver says, "It's okay my brother does it all the time."
They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says, "It's green, go."
Driver says, "I can't my brother might be coming!"

Cannibal jokes

Funny statements-Food chain

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

Really funny jokes-Softball

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you , it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Good jokes-No Help

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Life-Speeding ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

Short adult jokes-Difference

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Humor jokes-Tennis Shoes

Two friends were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack, pulled out a pair of tennis shoes and put them on.
His friend looked at him. “Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?”
"I don’t have to run faster than that tiger," his friend replied. “I just have to run faster than you!”

Really funny jokes-Several million dollars

A businessman who needed several million dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance, he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay off an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed a $100 bill into the other man's hand.
The man was overjoyed. "Thank you!" he said. He then got up and left the church.
The businessman closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention... "

Doctor jokes-Sooner

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, 'I wish you had come to me sooner.'

Political jokes-Prisoner of war in Vietnam

When asked about abortion, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam no one ever, once, aborted their babies."
When asked about Christian faith, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam I spoke to the baby Jesus every
morning and every night - he kept me safe."
When asked about gay marriage, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam none of the men ever got married - but maybe they changed their mind when they got back to their home state."
When asked about embryonic stem-cell research, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam we sometimes had to
stay in cells."
When asked about AIDS, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam we didn't even know what AIDS was."
When asked about troubled youth, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam the local kids always would get in
trouble for trying to help us."
When asked about the conflicts in Georgia, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam the guy in the bed
next do me had a girl pal called Georgia - I am sorry to hear they are fighting."
When asked about safe nuclear power, McCain said "when I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam the guy on the other side of me had deadly gas."
When asked about his time as a prisoner of war in Vietnam McCain said he'd rather not talk about it.

Children jokes-Magnets

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Short adult jokes-Popular

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.

Humor jokes-Old rope

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."