Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Short adult jokes-Blonde with PHd
Humor jokes-Einstein's room
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
Albert Einstein says "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics! "
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
Albert Einstein says "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics! "
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
Friday, January 30, 2009
Really funny jokes-Tee shot
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.
Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed-driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed-driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
Blonde jokes-Bank trouble
A blonde college girl came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Short humor jokes-Measurements
Jim: So your blind date had measurements of 39-23-35?
Jeff: That's right. It's just too bad they weren't in that order.
Good jokes-Shortcut
Two men were walking home after a Halloween Party late one night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to keep with the spirit of the spooky holiday.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. When they got closer, they saw that it was an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost!"
No answer from the old man.
"What are you doing working here so late at night?" the friend asked.
The old man just kept chiseling away.
"Hello?" the friend said. "Why are you chiseling that headstone?"
The old man finally mumbled, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. When they got closer, they saw that it was an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost!"
No answer from the old man.
"What are you doing working here so late at night?" the friend asked.
The old man just kept chiseling away.
"Hello?" the friend said. "Why are you chiseling that headstone?"
The old man finally mumbled, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Short adult jokes-Heavier
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Office humor jokes-Asleep!
"One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Funny statements-Stenographer
Hitler asked for a stenographer but was given a laptop. Don't you know, he screamed, I am a dictator.
Really funny jokes-Cardiologist Funeral
A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral......I'm a Gynecologist. "
The Proctologist fainted.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral......I'm a Gynecologist. "
The Proctologist fainted.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Humor jokes-Umbrella Thief
A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.
On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.
The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."
The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.
In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.
The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."
On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.
The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."
The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.
In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.
The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."
Animal jokes-Shout in the horse's ear
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good. I'll have to do it," and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes
third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good. I'll have to do it," and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes
third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Short funny jokes-Apologize
A friend asked a divorced woman, "When you were divorced you had only Child, How come now you have three children?"
The woman explained, "Well he comes here occasionally to apologize"
The woman explained, "Well he comes here occasionally to apologize"
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Short adult jokes-69
It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
Really funny jokes-Time Machine
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Friday, January 23, 2009
Funny statements-Happier
Americans were a lot happier when there weren't so many books written telling people how to become happy.
Humor jokes-Boat for sale
Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch and raps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it.
Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux ! How long we ban frands ?"
Beaudreaux say, "Well....... ..All our lives Thibodeaux"
Thibodaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"
Beaudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat !"
Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say; "BOAT FOR SALE".
Beaudreaux say, " OH-NO Thibodaux !" See dat old '72 ford pickem'up truck over-dare"
Thibodaux say, "yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck"
Beaudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan"
Thibodaux say, "yas, I see dat Ce-dan"
Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale.
Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux ! How long we ban frands ?"
Beaudreaux say, "Well....... ..All our lives Thibodeaux"
Thibodaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"
Beaudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat !"
Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say; "BOAT FOR SALE".
Beaudreaux say, " OH-NO Thibodaux !" See dat old '72 ford pickem'up truck over-dare"
Thibodaux say, "yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck"
Beaudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan"
Thibodaux say, "yas, I see dat Ce-dan"
Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sarcastic jokes-Bank closings
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers… His thoughts at this time "go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers… His thoughts at this time "go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Life-Armless Man in a Bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
Children jokes-Group picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Short adult jokes-No talk during sex
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
Humor jokes-Downloads at Pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Monday, January 19, 2009
Animal jokes-Things Dogs Need To Remember
* The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up When I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, deer, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the Window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not play tug-of-war with dad's Underwear when he's on the toilet.
* I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
* I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an Option after just getting a bath.
* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch in front of company.
* Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up When I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, deer, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the Window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not play tug-of-war with dad's Underwear when he's on the toilet.
* I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
* I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an Option after just getting a bath.
* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch in front of company.
* Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Really funny jokes-Court
A British anthropologist was doing field research in an isolated African village, when a tribal chief asked if he would like to be his guest at a legal trial he was conducting later that day.
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."
Humor jokes-Hard of hearing
The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV.
The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."
The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"
"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.
"Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"
The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."
The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"
"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.
"Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"
Friday, January 16, 2009
Short adult jokes-Swallow
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Life-Women Who Know Their Place
Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Funny statements-Admit
Is the reason most women don't like to admit they are feminists because it reduces their chances of getting a date with a chauvinist?
Short humor jokes-Crazy Names
Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Celebrity humor-Stupid quotes
If you ever feel a little bit stupid just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sarcastic jokes-Tombstone Epitaph
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
all dressed up and : no place to go.
Really funny jokes-Divorce
The manipulative husband cajoled wife for a quiet drive in their sporty convertible through wooded roads. The wife had chosen to drive. Then husband broke the news, "I am divorcing you after all this sex starved life with you."
The speed of the car increased and crossed the legal speed limit. The husband continued, "I want to give you a piece of my mind that you are nothing but an icy, insensitive, sexually unsupportive, romantically dull woman in my life as my loathsome wife."
The car started speeding as wife's frustration was flaring. The husband continued, "I and your fewer times divorced slut friend Sheila have an affair behind your ass for a long time. She satisfies my whims and fantasies. I am marrying her."
The car was almost above 100 mph as frustrated wife’s shock was rising. The husband continues, "You have never worked and always enjoyed high society life of clubs, dinners, shows and dance with my money. Furthermore, I want our house, our cars, teeming bank accounts, credit cards, all the investments and huge cash."
The car was now almost at takeoff speed of flying. The sly husband continued, "I have hired the smartest lawyer in the town so that you get nothing as a divorce settlement. You will be penniless, unless I mercy upon you."
The speedometer needle was at the breaking point. The wife said, "It is OK with me." The husband was surprised, "OK? You don't want to beg for your survival from me?"
The wife said, "No, I don't need it honey, I have what I need which you don't have!"
The amazed husband asked, "What do you have that I don't have, silly?"
The wife replied, "The Airbag on your side. We are now crashing. Good heaven."
The speed of the car increased and crossed the legal speed limit. The husband continued, "I want to give you a piece of my mind that you are nothing but an icy, insensitive, sexually unsupportive, romantically dull woman in my life as my loathsome wife."
The car started speeding as wife's frustration was flaring. The husband continued, "I and your fewer times divorced slut friend Sheila have an affair behind your ass for a long time. She satisfies my whims and fantasies. I am marrying her."
The car was almost above 100 mph as frustrated wife’s shock was rising. The husband continues, "You have never worked and always enjoyed high society life of clubs, dinners, shows and dance with my money. Furthermore, I want our house, our cars, teeming bank accounts, credit cards, all the investments and huge cash."
The car was now almost at takeoff speed of flying. The sly husband continued, "I have hired the smartest lawyer in the town so that you get nothing as a divorce settlement. You will be penniless, unless I mercy upon you."
The speedometer needle was at the breaking point. The wife said, "It is OK with me." The husband was surprised, "OK? You don't want to beg for your survival from me?"
The wife said, "No, I don't need it honey, I have what I need which you don't have!"
The amazed husband asked, "What do you have that I don't have, silly?"
The wife replied, "The Airbag on your side. We are now crashing. Good heaven."
Monday, January 12, 2009
Humor jokes-Special diets
Nurse (admitting a female patient): Are you on any special diets?
Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.
Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake makes you so hungry that you overeat later?
Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?"
Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.
Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake makes you so hungry that you overeat later?
Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?"
Blonde jokes-Golf club
A blonde walks into a pro shop, points to a golf club and asks the clerk the price.
The clerk looked to where she was pointing and stated that the owner told him not to sell golf equipment to blondes because they always seem to return the items.
The blonde left the shop, very mad, and walked down the street to a wig shop, where she bought a brunette wig.
She returned to the pro shop and, pointing to the same golf club, asked the clerk the price.
The clerk replied, "Sorry lady, the owner does not sell golf equipment to blondes because of the high return rate."
"How did you know that I am a blonde," she asked.
The clerk replied, "That's a golf umbrella, not a golf club."
The clerk looked to where she was pointing and stated that the owner told him not to sell golf equipment to blondes because they always seem to return the items.
The blonde left the shop, very mad, and walked down the street to a wig shop, where she bought a brunette wig.
She returned to the pro shop and, pointing to the same golf club, asked the clerk the price.
The clerk replied, "Sorry lady, the owner does not sell golf equipment to blondes because of the high return rate."
"How did you know that I am a blonde," she asked.
The clerk replied, "That's a golf umbrella, not a golf club."
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Adult jokes-Office romance
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to
'enter', but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
'enter', but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Friday, January 09, 2009
Really funny jokes-Things you don't want to hear at a tattoo parlour
* "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
* "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
* "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
* "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
* "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
* "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
* "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
* "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
* "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
* "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
* "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
* "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
* "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
* "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
* "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
* "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
* "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
Doctor reporting
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . .. . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Short adult jokes-Smoke after sex
Jim: "Joe, do you smoke after sex?"
Joe: "I don't know; I've never looked."
Humor jokes-Start a family
After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally blessed with the birth of its first child. The wife told her husband to put an announcement in the local paper. When he returned from the newspaper office, she asked him what details he had included. "Just the name, address and date," he said.
"How much did it cost?"
"About six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied.
"Why so much?" the stunned woman exclaimed.
"Well, after I wrote out the announcement, the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week for six years."
"How much did it cost?"
"About six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied.
"Why so much?" the stunned woman exclaimed.
"Well, after I wrote out the announcement, the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week for six years."
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Really funny jokes-All right
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of a hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" his wife asked. "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right," he said.
"She was just trying to comfort you," his wife said. "What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me," he answered. "She was talking to the doctor."
Children jokes-Mom's favourite drink
One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Short adult jokes-Quick thinking
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating,
"...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
"...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Sports humor-Can't get out
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Monday, January 05, 2009
More financial meltdown jokes-Lending
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
Humor jokes-Rabbis
Two rabbis - one Reformed and the other Orthodox - were discussing their respective congregations one day.
The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"
The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together"
The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"
The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together"
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Short humor jokes-On a typical day
Farmer: "On a typical day I have to get up at six in the morning, then I work for five hours, then I take out a few minutes for lunch, then I work another five hours..."
City Man: "With all that work, what do you grow?"
Farmer: "Tired."
Really funny jokes-In the forest
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear...one thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience:-
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first:
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation. "
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed:
"WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear...one thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience:-
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first:
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation. "
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed:
"WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
Friday, January 02, 2009
Funny statements
I stayed up all night trying to find out where the sun went.
It finally dawned on me.
Short humor jokes-Light and darkness
God: Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.
Angel: What are you going to do now?
God: I think I'll call it a day.
Doctor jokes-Second opinion
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Really funny jokes-Bandaged!
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Humor jokes-Hit thumb
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
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