Really funny jokes-Four strangers

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here "
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Financial crunch jokes-Balance sheet

The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

Funny statements-Hang ups

My new girlfriend has even more hang-ups than I do. But then, she's a telemarketer.

Cow Economics

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Short adult jokes-Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

5. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

6. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

7. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Really funny jokes-Fishing trip

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

Adult jokes-Every time

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

Sarcastic jokes-Fast food clerks

We've always had trouble with fast food clerks always botching orders. Finally, one day I had had enough. Below is my interaction with the something gap-toothed female clerk.
Me, after returning a hamburger for the second time: "How hard is it to make a burger with cheese, lettuce and ketchup!!?"
Clerk: "I guess I don't have the right button for that on the register."
Me: "The cook is RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you can tell him what I want."
Clerk: "But I have to press the right button!"
Me: "You know, you've got the smoothest cortex I have ever seen!"
Clerk: "Why thank you! I use Oil of Olay every night."

Funny toons-Rip

Really funny jokes-Kiss

A man finally got to the front of the line at the airline ticket counter only to notice someone had hung mistletoe over the baggage scale.
He asked the cute clerk, "Is that so you can kiss all us customers?" She replied,
"No. It's so you can kiss your suitcase goodbye!"

Doctor jokes-Pills

A man went to the doctor and reported that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up," the doctor says. "Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammers, "My goodness, Doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Says the doctor, "You're not drinking enough water."

Adult one liner-Nymphomaniac

Nymphomaniac - A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

Life-Difficult surprise

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must.
"Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God forbid... you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like.... how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"

Adult jokes-Aspirin dose

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

Children jokes-Birthday wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Adult humor jokes-Flasher

These three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Really funny jokes-Yard work

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Short adult jokes-Bra purchase

Customer : My wife needs a bra but, I don't know the size.
Sales girl : Touch my breast and try to calculate.
Customer : Oh ! I forgot she needs panties too....

Humor jokes-Soldier

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "At this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

Funny statements-Energy crisis

Remember when the only energy crisis was kids having too much of it.

Really funny jokes-Being romantic

A husband comes from church, greets his wife and lifts her up. He carries her around the house, which is unusual.
The wife is so surprised and asked "Did the pastor preach about being romantic?"
The husband said, "No, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows."

Sarcastic jokes-Tremendous fan

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Funny pictures-Office humor jokes

Short jokes for kids-Learning Today

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Good jokes-Very fast

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, "What?? so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!

Children jokes-Being thankful

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'She says, 'Thank God he's in bed!''

Life-I do

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?'
and the groom said, 'I do,'
and then things really began to happen fast.

Humor pictures-Spidey calls it quits!

Short adult jokes-Hang low

Q: What did one boob say to the other?
A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Really funny jokes-Traffic cop vs. violator

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A**Hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for A**hole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do" !

Short jokes-Bagpipers

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Life-Suggestive

My wife walked into the kitchen behind me, as I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the floor. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.
"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

Sarcastic jokes-Noah'a Ark

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Funny jokes com-In Hell

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".

Adult jokes-Opinion

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Short blonde jokes-Upset

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Really funny jokes-Rude man

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me, he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.
Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

Financial meltdown jokes-Lost

What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?

A tie

Funny pictures-Evolution

Funny statements-Difference

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad;
An optimist hopes they are.

Adult one liners-Nurse defined

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

Really funny jokes-Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Short dirty jokes-Eye contact

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Good jokes-Sick

Steve was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancé called and volunteered to stop by, fix dinner, and play nursemaid. He declined, not wanting to pass the flu on to her. "Okay, honey," she told him. "We'll wait until after we get married. Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

Sarcastic jokes-Graph

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."

Children jokes-Teacher

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"

Dirty one liners-Bar and Bra

BAR & BRA... wonder what it's about these three letters that both induce sudden desire & thirst, anytime you see them open...

Really funny jokes-One raw material

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"..... ..

Naughty jokes-Lie

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Humor jokes-Something for my mother

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Blonde jokes-Scarf

Did 'ya hear about the blonde who took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Short dirty jokes

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Life-Two sweaters

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"

Funny toons-Financial meltdown jokes

Really funny jokes-Wake up in Philadelphia

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure."
The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!"
"Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy ever mad!"
"Yeah," his companion replied. "But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."

Humor jokes-Worn

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt. A young woman comes up to him and asks, "I've always wondered, is anything worn beneath your kilt.
"No lassie," he replies,
"Everything is in fine working order."

Adult one liners - Definitions

ATTRACTION - The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

DATING - The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

Dirty jokes-Interesting concept

One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.
During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about her home state of New Jersey using her body.
"Interesting concept," he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside; she explained to him that this was, "Freehold."
Next, she took his other hand and placed it on her left breast; she told him that this was, "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game, he asked, "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said, "No, this is Eatontown!"

Office humor jokes-The Job Interview

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two. "
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Smith, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job...

Agricultural jokes-Old fashioned

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

Really funny jokes-Always tell your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Naughty jokes-Pregnant secretary

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"