Stupid quotes

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore Vice President

Good jokes-Payment for treatment

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Life-Lost wife

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Man: I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector: what is her height
Man: I never noticed
Inspectior: slim or healthy?
Man: not slim can be healthy
Inspector: colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: colour of hair
Man: changes according to season
Inspector: what was she wearing
Man: I dont remember exactly
Inspector:was somebody with her ??
Man: Yes my Labrador (romeo) tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks and wears a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food,
we sleep together, we eat together, we jog together......
the man started crying
Inspector: Lets search the dog first !!

Really funny jokes-Warm

John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said, “Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he said excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word "warm".”
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”

Funny toons-Laziest dog

Short adult jokes-Interview

A Sardar after the interview :
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials.
I guess I showed them the wrong thing....

Creative puns-Eye doctor

Thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

Life-Irresistible Irony

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again.
Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper.
I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband.
"I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper.
Don't bother calling the guy in the second column.
I can tell you right now it won't work out.
That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel.

Really funny jokes-Real

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Office humor jokes-Top ten excuses

To ten excuses- If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

Funny statements-Definition

Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot.

Short adult jokes-Lady aspirant

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"

Good jokes-Wedding gown

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame.
Suddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, "Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son."
"Oh, it's not that," her mother sobbed. "I used to fit into that gown!"

Sarcastic jokes-Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Really funny jokes-A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared:
"Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna.

Life-Mower Than a Greeting Card

My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.
Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one.
Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary.
Then, he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office - and got an idea.
Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote:
"I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
Mark's wife loved it.
The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde.

Short adult jokes-First & second honeymoon

Difference between 1st and 2nd honeymoon:

First Honeymoon - Niagra
Second Honeymoon - Viagra

Marriage jokes-Several proposals

"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did!"

Funny statements-Self service

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service"

Adult funny jokes-Singular and Plural

A third grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.
She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"
Little Maury replies, "Singular!"
"Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?"
Little Pauly raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"

Humor jokes-Stay with sister

One couple is discussing about their past, present and future.
The husband asks his wife: “If I die, with whom you will stay?”
Wife replied with sad mood: “With my sister”.
Then Wife also asked to Husband: “With whom you will stay if I died?”
Husband replied: “I will stay with your sister too.”

Funny toons-Address

Puns-Roundest

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

Sarcastic jokes-Contact Agreement

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Short adult jokes-Missing

Mary: You know, ex #2 taught me what a climax is.
Jill: Really? That's great!
Mary: Yeah, and then #3 showed me what I was missing!

Really funny jokes-Night classes

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions" , if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Joe Fernandes?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy fooling with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Good jokes-Bad language

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"

Funny statements-Freak show

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

Children jokes-Kidding

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy.
After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling.
Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

Humor jokes-Editor dog

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

Life-Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.
Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better..."

Blonde jokes-Pay for themselves

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”

Famous sexual quotes-Reason

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

Adult jokes-Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Really funny jokes-Pregnant women

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Humor jokes-WWJD

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

Funny toons-Office jokes

Sarcastic jokes-Old times

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today.
The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?"
The grandfather replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?"
The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."

Humor inside Library

These are some Actual reference queries as recorded by American and Canadian library employees:
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a color photograph of Socrates"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate. "
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography. "
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Short adult jokes-Prostitution

Prostitution is a hole sale business.

Humor jokes-Checkout

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

Children jokes-Best friend

My wife and I teach first-grade Sunday school, and we sometimes laugh at the things our students say.
Once, while teaching a lesson on forgiving others, I asked the following question: "What would you do if your best friend hit you?"
Several children said, "Tell on him" or "Hit back."
Anna, looking quite thoughtful about the situation, slowly raised her hand.
When I called on her, she said firmly, "I'd get a new best friend!"

Really funny jokes-Giving directions

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.
The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."
As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"
The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

Adult humor jokes-Communication

The Indian Lover, a virile middle aged Indian gentlemen named Guluh was relaxing at his favorite bar in Mumbai when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guluh reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guluh smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guluh reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guluh fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"

Good jokes-Toaster

One of their wedding presents was a toaster. Soon after the honeymoon she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed from the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted."
I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops," came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

Blonde jokes-Emergency

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
AND THEY THINK I'M A DUMB BLONDE!!

Funny statements-Empty

A room full of married people is empty because there isn't a single person in it.

Short adult jokes-In the fog

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the ass**** in front of you.

Humor jokes-Parking place

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."

Really funny jokes-Can't beat the student from India

It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:
"F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said,
"I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked,
"All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled,
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said,
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher
slumped on the floor, someone said,
"Oh s***, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
"I think it was the American voters, November 2, 2008."

Children jokes-Kissed by a boy

A 7-year-old girl calmly admitted to her parents that a neighborhood boy had kissed her after class.
Her mother gasped and said, "How did that happen?"
The little girl said, "It wasn't easy, but three other girls helped me catch him and hold him down."

Funny toons-Diet Cola

Adult jokes-Professions

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the
Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Short humor jokes-Face or body?

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Really funny jokes-Babes Vs. Babies!

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter... another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...
Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.
On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.
On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"

Good jokes-Profession

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000.00 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He's a veterinarian, " she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Stupid quotes

If you ever feel a little bit stupid just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body'
--Winston Bennett University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country'
--Mayor Marion Barry Washington DC .

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .

Blonde jokes in the bar

A blind man on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the man next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The man sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Short humor jokes-Oxymoron

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite. "

Really funny jokes-Air temperatures

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream,
Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your cat helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over.

Adult jokes-Rare erection

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.
Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

Political jokes-In charge

"Earlier today, President Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary."
"Today was Hillary Clinton's first day as secretary of state. She's now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle all domestic affairs."

Puns-Fresh

What did one strawberry say to the other?
If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam.

Really funny jokes-Shoes

This year I decided it was about time for me to get in shape and lose weight. I joined a gym and made an appointment with Walt, a personal trainer.
One day I found myself reclining self- consciously on a machine with my feet set to press on a weighted platform.
“Do you wear those shoes often?” Walt asked.
“They're my best running shoes!” I declared, dodging the question.
He scrutinized them closely, then asked, “Are those cobwebs on them?”

Animal jokes-Doing It Like Rabbits!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, "he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"