"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Friday, July 31, 2009
Life-Farewell message
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn’t fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car.
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren’t prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.
There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
"GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN"
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren’t prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.
There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
"GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN"
Blonde jokes-Seminar
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze!
Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Short adult jokes-Jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume."
Humor jokes-Birthday facility
A woman and her husband were checking out a new birthing facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candelight.
"What do you think?" she asked.
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Funny statements-To be me
In bed, I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
- Neil, Orlando, Fla.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
- Neil, Orlando, Fla.
Really funny jokes-Seeing Red, White and Blue
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Sarcastic jokes-Pianist
A pianist in an intimate and dimly lit club couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're through."
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're through."
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Adult jokes-Deal is a deal
A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his parked car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please darlin', I can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief."
His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get married!"
He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head. So he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does, well for about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep thrusts for all he's worth.
After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal."
His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get married!"
He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head. So he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does, well for about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep thrusts for all he's worth.
After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal."
Children jokes-Giving a Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."
"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot him."
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."
"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot him."
Monday, July 27, 2009
Funny statements by Mr. Bean
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
Sexual quotes-Latex problems
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
Creative puns-Pushing the envelope
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Short adult jokes-Same as ever
"Bill is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex...sex...sex."
"Now that's just not true at all." called out Bill, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."
"Now that's just not true at all." called out Bill, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."
Really funny jokes-Check out a Romance
I met my husband while I was working in a science library.
He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk.
I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.
Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read:
"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow.
He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk.
I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.
Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read:
"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Office humor jokes-Innovation
A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present (approx 5,000 people ).
As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement.
Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system : "My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff.
We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck !
As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement.
Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system : "My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff.
We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in… and good luck !
Short adult jokes-Water skiing
It's important to realize that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
Children jokes-Banking Crisis
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."
After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
In light of what's going on in the banking world, perhaps Piggy Bank was the safest!
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."
After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
In light of what's going on in the banking world, perhaps Piggy Bank was the safest!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Life-Great idea
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some cave dwellers were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work and the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea. They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
That was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to Television and later to the remote control.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea. They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
That was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to Television and later to the remote control.
Adult jokes-No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Funny statements-Answer
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.
"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.
"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
Most embarrasing moments-3
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
- Name Withheld
- Name Withheld
Humor jokes-Pulling the strings
So this guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot but it has a blue string handing from one foot and a red one from the other. He thinks this is a little strange so he asks the shopkeeper what the strings are for.
"Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper replies.
"If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the blue string he talks in English".
"Wow" exclaims the man shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same time?"
"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.
"Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper replies.
"If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the blue string he talks in English".
"Wow" exclaims the man shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same time?"
"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Short adult jokes-Spinster
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."
"You don't say," said Jill. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement! "
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."
"You don't say," said Jill. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement! "
Sports humor-Yorkshireman
Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket.
In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would you save?'
'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.
In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would you save?'
'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Naughty jokes-Check up
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer? "
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let' s try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let' s try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
Really funny jokes-Ice
One January my wife and I spent a vacation in the Great Smoky Mountains. We were eager to get to our chalet, but the weather wasn't the best that year. The radio said that snow and freezing rain were expected. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way into the mountains when we saw a sign: "Ice: 10 miles." Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice: 5 miles."
The next one was: "Ice: 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery.
"Ice: 75 cents."
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way into the mountains when we saw a sign: "Ice: 10 miles." Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice: 5 miles."
The next one was: "Ice: 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery.
"Ice: 75 cents."
Good jokes-Old farmers
Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking, even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast.
Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned.
After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I reckon we ought to."
About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."
The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; git that load of hawgs to the Maple Street auction barn."
Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned.
After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I reckon we ought to."
About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."
The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; git that load of hawgs to the Maple Street auction barn."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Creative puns-Math disruption
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Funny farm jokes-Gathering chicken
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Children jokes-The lord is my shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Friday, July 17, 2009
Birthday party jokes-Gorilla
Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
Really funny jokes-Making the Grade
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.
One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription:
"BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read:
"Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox.
One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription:
"BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read:
"Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox.
Most embarrasing moments-2
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
- Kathy Newman, 46
- Kathy Newman, 46
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Funny statements-No good
"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
Funny jokes com
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric
Adult jokes-Infrequently
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.
"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.
"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"
Good jokes-Do You Have The Time
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Short adult jokes-Stare
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
Humor jokes-Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous at the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous at the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Love poem for Men and Women
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Mens Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge b**bs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Mens Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge b**bs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Humor jokes-Talking to himself
Attorney: "Was the deceased in the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"
Witness: "I don't know."
Attorney: "Come now, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "I never happened to be with him when he was alone."
Witness: "I don't know."
Attorney: "Come now, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "I never happened to be with him when he was alone."
Really funny jokes-9 to 5 Love
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year.
In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day.
While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him.
His note read:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I weren't thinking of you,
I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf.
In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day.
While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him.
His note read:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I weren't thinking of you,
I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf.
Funny statements-
What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
- Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
- Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Life-My neighbor's flowers
My neighbor's flowers in the front yard are in full bloom. In fact, they have been in full bloom for six consecutive months. They are remarkably resilient and have weathered snow, sleet, hail, thunderstorms and direct sunlight. Their various shades of white, yellow, blue and red are as vibrant today as yesteryear. They are literally indestructible.
My neighbor's flowers attract a lot of ridicule, derision, mockery, contempt, jeering, finger-pointing, disbelief, consternation, confusion, and laughter. The one thing they do not attract is bees.
My neighbor's flowers are sort of like a noxious "silent-but- deadly" at a wine tasting party. Every one detects it, yet no one publicly recognizes it. It's spoken about only afterwards, in privacy. Like a "silent-but- deadly", the flowers are not polarizing. They have not yet divided the neighborhood into opposing factions of critics and enthusiasts.
My neighbor's flowers are also greatly misunderstood. They are hypoallergenic. They represent stability in a constantly evolving world. They offer cheerful vibrant color on dark gloomy days. Most importantly, they are a reminder that life is not to be taken too seriously.
My neighbor's flowers attract a lot of ridicule, derision, mockery, contempt, jeering, finger-pointing, disbelief, consternation, confusion, and laughter. The one thing they do not attract is bees.
My neighbor's flowers are sort of like a noxious "silent-but- deadly" at a wine tasting party. Every one detects it, yet no one publicly recognizes it. It's spoken about only afterwards, in privacy. Like a "silent-but- deadly", the flowers are not polarizing. They have not yet divided the neighborhood into opposing factions of critics and enthusiasts.
My neighbor's flowers are also greatly misunderstood. They are hypoallergenic. They represent stability in a constantly evolving world. They offer cheerful vibrant color on dark gloomy days. Most importantly, they are a reminder that life is not to be taken too seriously.
Most embarrasing moments - 1
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blo* job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39.
Melinda Lowe, 39.
Short humor jokes-100 dollars for summer clothes
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn’t spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Short adult jokes-Mistake
Girl to doctor - I have taken an I-pill by mistake. Now what should I do?
Doc: Get your self f**ked within 72 hrs, otherwise the tablet will not work.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Good jokes-Military Sons
Military joke
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile,
"Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,
"Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile,
"Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,
"Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
Adult jokes-Moaning
Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying.
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet."
He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."
She says, "you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet."
He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."
She says, "you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
Sarcastic jokes-Mexico Drops Out
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede correr, saltar, o la nadar ya ha salido del pais.'
Translation:
'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede correr, saltar, o la nadar ya ha salido del pais.'
Translation:
'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Short adult jokes-Astrologer
Short adult jokes
A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.
Astrologer: When you deliver a baby, baby's father will die.
Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!
Funny statements-Gasping
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Valentine jokes-Perfectly Paired Puns
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband.
When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine."
I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them.
On the package, I put a huge red heart on which I printed:
"My Heart Pants for You."
I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box.
On it he had written:
"Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman.
When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine."
I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them.
On the package, I put a huge red heart on which I printed:
"My Heart Pants for You."
I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box.
On it he had written:
"Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Really funny jokes-The difference between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to dinner; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out again; and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow! Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... idiots.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They'd better not say its only a 90-day warranty.
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh my, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they'll analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow! Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... idiots.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They'd better not say its only a 90-day warranty.
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh my, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they'll analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Short adult jokes-Virgin
Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if your wife is virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Adult jokes-Grandpa & Grandma
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Doctor jokes-Physical examination
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"'I am so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
"Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo."
"'I am so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
"Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo."
Monday, July 06, 2009
Really funny jokes-Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
"Would you have anything in black flannel?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
"Would you have anything in black flannel?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo.
Short humor jokes-Absent minded
--> Absent-minded professor - Heavens! someone stole my wallet.
Wife- Did'nt you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor- I did, but I thought it was mine
--> Did you hear about the absent-minded doctor who, on his wedding day, when it came to put the ring on the wife's finger, started checking the pulse rate and asked her to stick out her tongue?
--> Nurse - You've just become the father of a baby boy!
Professor - Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her.
--> Did you hear about the absent-minded who stood in front of the mirror for hours together wondering where he had seen himself before.
Wife- Did'nt you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor- I did, but I thought it was mine
--> Did you hear about the absent-minded doctor who, on his wedding day, when it came to put the ring on the wife's finger, started checking the pulse rate and asked her to stick out her tongue?
--> Nurse - You've just become the father of a baby boy!
Professor - Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her.
--> Did you hear about the absent-minded who stood in front of the mirror for hours together wondering where he had seen himself before.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Good funny jokes-Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.
I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet.
He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naively replied,
"I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Short adult jokes-Men and pantyhose
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Life-Parking space
Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can
park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!"
Such is life!
park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!"
Such is life!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Really funny jokes-Anything you ask for
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu.
"We don't need a menu here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What? Anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plants, animals and birds. The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely floored. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. We were clean out of bread that day!!!"
"We don't need a menu here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What? Anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plants, animals and birds. The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely floored. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. We were clean out of bread that day!!!"
Children jokes-Sunday dinner
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."
As he finished one cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."
As he finished one cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Short adult jokes-Psychiatrist
A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems.
The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?"
"Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!"
Sarcastic jokes-Long deployment
Just before their first long deployment, two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families.
A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, never, EVER whistle while you pack!"
A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, never, EVER whistle while you pack!"
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