Adult jokes-Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
first of all, it's none of your damn business...
second of all, she was my wife...
and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"

Really funny jokes-Priest

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "Boys will be boys."

Hilarious short jokes-Swallowed Money

Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
"Do you see any change in me?"

Funny toons-Dress up

Stupid quotes-Genius

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

Funny statements-Biodegradable

Micheal Jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.

Naughty jokes-Most embarrasing moments continued

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson

Redneck jokes-Estate

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Really funny jokes-Missed

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual event that took place during a flight.
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Short humor jokes-Woodpecker

What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
"You bore me."

Review-Weaving an internet web

Actually I think they did consider, & thought these would stick in your brain easier..
Now be careful - don't fall out of your chairs over these...LOL
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might be misread!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange'is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be found at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator'company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com

Short adult jokes-Husband or wife?

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Comedy jokes-Tree Problem

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied.

Children jokes-Click

I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked,
"Do I click the square?"
I said, "Yes."
She asked, "Single click or double click?"

Adult jokes-Psychiatrist

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."
The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"

Funny statements-Pay attention

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Really funny jokes-Punishment air force style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
"Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Sarcastic jokes-Contempt Fine

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Good jokes-When I drink

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!"
Everyone at the bar cheers him and begin applauding like crazy.
Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!"
Once again, everyone is cheering. He is the hero of the bar.
When he's done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!"

Funny toons-Tech support

Creative puns-Bigger!

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

Humor jokes-Shortest essay competition.

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the World's shortest essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humor.
Here's an example of absolute brilliance.

Shortest Essay:
An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

The prize-winner wrote:
"My God,"
said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant.
I wonder who the father is?"

Stupid Quotes-Clean air

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca

Short adult jokes-100 teeth

Brad walked up to a hot babe in the bar and asked, "What's got a 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?"
"What?" asked the curious vixen.
"The zipper on my jeans!" answered Brad.

Really funny jokes - Four Letter Surgery

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

Hilarious jokes-Don Imus fallout

After years of ignoring radio personality Don Imus's racial slurs, he was finally fired after picking on a double-whammy target: blacks and women -- while we have a black man and a woman running for president. His slur of a women's basketball team being "nappy-haired ho's" was too much, and he was fired. Now attention is turning toward racist and violent music lyrics. Yet the repercussions of the Imus fiasco are still playing out.
First, the Miss Black America contest has now announced there will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year. Seems no one wants to wear a banner across the front of their swimsuit or their evening gown that says "IDAHO".
Next, some major changes are in the works at Disney.
Word on the street is that Disney will apologize for the Seven Dwarfs singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" in the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Disney plans to recall all items associated with this movie. This includes books, dolls, and movies.
Later in the week, the Seven Dwarfs will appear on the Al Sharpton radio show to apologize and undergo a seven-hour grilling.
Jesse Jackson has not been contacted for comment on this. His office stated that he and his personal secretary were attending a meeting in the Bahamas. However, people at PUSH hinted that a large protest is being scheduled at Disney World.
Snow White could not be reached for comment - it is rumored that she is in rehab "trying to overcome her whiteness."

Life Before Computers!

Life before computers..
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!

Children jokes-Telling a lie

One day a mother was explaining to her young son that you should never tell a lie. She told him that God saw everything and heard everything. She explained, "Even though your father and I may not know if you are telling a lie God will know."
The young son replied, "But will He tell?"

Funny statements-Natural blonde

She's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
- Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

Short adult jokes-Don't buy

Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers) they stand behind everything they sell.

Comedy jokes-New Suit

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Really funny jokes-Aircraft Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

Office humor jokes-Sick leave

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Funny farm jokes-Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Non veg jokes

* The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -
- a little bit of breast
- a little bit of leg
..... and a lot of stuffing !!!

* Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Funny stuff jokes-More Accurate Computer Related Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

Short adult jokes-Chicken and egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ...
Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

Funny toons-Fluent

Funny jokes-Ice cream parlour

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."

Hilarious jokes-Devoted and Determined

During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding.
Suddenly, my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled.
Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.
He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.
After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied,
"Okay, okay!"
Then, as an afterthought:
"But, don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron.

Good jokes-Hurry

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew", the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

Adult jokes-First man

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.
On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.
The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

Really funny jokes-Jury duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honour," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied,
"Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

Short adult jokes-Lay there

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand,
"I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?"
To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

Most embarrasing moments-Playing with balls

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if He could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31

Blonde jokes-At the job interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Life-Grueling maneuvers

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun,the platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter."

Children jokes-Deep thinker

My 7-year-old daughter, Jessica, is a deep thinker when it comes to theological questions. Recently we discussed why bad things happen sometimes, re-reading the story of Adam and Eve and how sin came into the world.
Later that week, Jessica was ill and had to stay home from school. Feeling miserable, she told me: "If only Adam and Even hadn't eaten the fruit, I wouldn't be sick."
Before I could answer, she added: "Of course, if they didn't eat it, we'd be sitting here naked."

Funny statements - Who be yo' baby's daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy?
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DCCDs? Child B who was also born at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Creative puns-Hole

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

Really funny jokes-Nun golfing

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

Short adult jokes-Strapless gown

A young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.
Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man staring at her.
In her embarrassment she held up the airplane and said "Oh you like my airplane huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am... I was just admiring the landing field."

Redneck jokes-Tips from the Redneck book of Manners

GENERAL
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can it is impolite to ask her to bring back sodas.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Short adult jokes-PMS

Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women.
Somebody's always got PMS.
- Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

Adult humor pictures-Popping!

Really funny jokes-Smart neighbor

Every time the man next door headed toward Michaels's house, Michael knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Michael to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Michael with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Funny statements-To be a dentist

She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
- Terence, Gary, Ind.

Recession updates

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.

Family joke

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents.
Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a family joke.
"So what do you "really" do then?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."

Life-Wayward girl

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.
"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off of it."

Funny jokes-Hurry

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew", the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

Good jokes-Idle lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" the lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the telphone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect that phone."

Funny statements-Forever

The best thing about the present tense is that it lasts forever.

Short adult jokes-Music lover

How do you identify a true music lover?
A man when he hears a woman singing in the bathroom and puts his ear to the keyhole instead of his eye!

Humor jokes-Hot shot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Puns-Fruit flies

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Really funny jokes-Wife was cheating

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Children jokes-False teeth

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Adult jokes-Foot fetish

Nate and Barbara had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, Nate asked, "Before we go any further, Barbara, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled Barbara, "I do happen to have a foot fetish...but I suppose I'll settle for four or five inches."

Short humor jokes-Horsefly

Nothing rattles my father, especially when the St. Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother shrieked from the kitchen, "Bob, there's a horsefly in here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

Funny toons-Life

Short adult jokes-Catholic & jewish wifes

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Really funny jokes-Using the restroom

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender.
'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out!'

Creative puns-Seasoned

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.