Adult jokes-The headaches

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Sarcastic jokes-At the art exhibition

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Short adult jokes-Men on earth

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Children jokes-Lot's wife

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

Office jokes-Iraqi Banking

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."

Short funny jokes

Little child's prayer on Easter :
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen" !!!

Really funny jokes-Exposing

Judy called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standin there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"
The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."
The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."
Judy: "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"

Funny pictures-Sporting blues

Funny statements-Depth

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Funny jokes-Over coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop..
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal..
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope..
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh God !....' '

College humor-Sarcastic joke

One man was talking to another at the temple. He asked, "So where is that boy of yours?"
"Josh is in college," the second man replied.
"What's he taking?"
The second man grimaced, "Every cent I have."

Short adult jokes-Man's idea of foreplay

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

Animal jokes-Watchdog for wife

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."
The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special, he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my a**!"

Hilarious jokes-The break up

European Vacation Leads to Hilarious Breakup

They say the key to a healthy relationship is listening to your partner. Never has this been made so starkly evident as in the sad but hilarious story of JD and Em, which is currently burning up the Internet.

While JD claims he talked extensively with his girlfriend about the two-week backpacking trip he was about to take in Europe, she didn't seem to get the message. Below, read the highlights of the two-week chain of unanswered e-mails in which she gets angrier and angrier at his lack of response.

Friday June 1
Hey hun, me again. Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you?;)

Sunday, June 3
Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe.

Tuesday June 5
Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts.... JD wtf?! I know you're around! Your friend jeremy is such a bullsh***er. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background

As JD checks out the old world, the poor guy gets dumped, taken back dumped again and cheated on -- all unbeknownst to him.

Tuesday, June 5
We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.

Sunday June 10
Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so I f*****d him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stupid one?

Tuesday June 12
I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why. . . . I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.

Thursday June 14
I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. ... I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on.

The day before JD gets home, Em finally manages to get in touch with his mom, who informs her that he is, in fact, on vacation.

Thursday June 14
subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READY ANY OTHER EMAILS!!! If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it.

JD reads the e-mails, effectively ending their relationship.

Sarcastic jokes-Overweight

Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.
Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.

Good jokes-Review loans

A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry." says the banker.
"Coulda been worse."
"Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were dry."
"Coulda been worse."
"Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down."
"Coulda been worse."
"I'm getting tired of hearing that!" snaps the banker. "How could it have been worse?"
"Coulda been my money," says the oilman.

Funny statements-Fool proof

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Short adult jokes-True music lover

How do you identify a true music lover?
A man when he hears a woman singing in the bathroom and puts his ear to the keyhole instead of his eye!

Really funny jokes-Unhappy married life

Edwin and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set. However, when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Edwin based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Edwin. "I've just learned that Cheryl's father never had a license to carry a gun."

Short adult jokes-Everything

The boss is battling with his Maths & asks his secretary: "If I gave you $75,536 million, minus 17%, how much will you take off"
"Everything sir... My dress, my shoes, bra & G-string!!!"

Limerick-Yuma Fellow

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The Puma had no sense of huma!

Short funny jokes-Texting while driving

More states want to ban texting while driving. What do you say to a teen with such a dangerous habit behind the wheel?
"Why can't you just talk on the cell phone like your mom and dad?"

Ultimate jokes-Barrel

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Office humor jokes-Too strict

Well, I was thinking about re-entering the work force but gave that up after trying a new job.
Man, they were so strict at that job that I had to quit.
It was constantly: "No personal calls."
"Don't surf the web."
"Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?

Short adult jokes-Temporary filling

Dentist didn’t get erection on wedding night, so he used finger.
Wife: What's this?
Dentist: Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.

Funny toons-Park the car

Really funny jokes-Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Funny statements-Insanity

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Sports humor jokes-Bench

Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."

Short humor jokes-Good lovers

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.

Humor in Life

Not too long ago I was summoned by a potential client to visit him in his city so he could tell me face to face why I am exactly the wrong person to write anything for him and that if I cared about the human race I would take effective steps to remove myself from the gene pool. The client-not-to-be put me up in a hotel near his office, the "Chateau De Snob," I think it was called. I look for two things in overnight lodging: "Bargain" and "Rates." I used to stay at Motel 6 when it was only Motel 3 And a Half, and I am accustomed to having to ring a buzzer for at least a minute before Norman Bates comes out of a back room to rent me a bed for the night. It was therefore with a bit of trepidation that I pulled my rental car in front of the Chateau De Snob's lobby and watched as an army of men dressed like the guards of Munchkin Land stormed out and opened my door.

One of them roared off in my vehicle, and I was handed a plastic chip in payment. "Well, thanks for the UFO money," I told the senior ranking officer, "but the car is not mine to sell." Up in my room the Munchkin soldier carrying my bag made a great show of opening the curtains. He pointed out the phone, the bathroom,and the television-apparently he felt I would otherwise be unable to identify these things. Then he approached me and held out his hand, so I shook it vigorously. Frowning, he hung up my bag, demonstrated how to work the TV remote, and came back for another handshake. He looked even more irritated, though I was doing my best to be nice. He fussed with the thermostat and made sure there were no monsters in the closet. This time as he returned, his palm held upward, I realized he wanted more than just friendship. I dug in my pocket and his expression brightened, but his face fell when I gave him the white plastic chip. He pitched it on the bed and left in disgust.

At dinner with my client I did my best to select from a menu printed in French, though what I ordered apparently translated to "Small Bits of Tasteless Stuff on a Plate of Grass, Covered in Watery Mayonnaise."

The waiter ignored my desperate attempt to obtain a "la burger o'cheese with fries o'francais," despite the fact that I held my nose so it would sound like I was speaking French.

My client talked on his cell phone the whole time, breaking away from his conversation occasionally in order to advise me that I was "essentially worthless" to his company.

When I got back to my room, I was horrified to discover that someone had broken in! However, I apparently must have scared them off before they could take anything--indeed, the only sign of disturbance was that they had thrown back the covers on the bed to take a nap. My fumbling with the plastic card the hotel called a "key" must have given them time to escape out the window. In their haste, they left a small piece of chocolate, which probably dropped out of a pocket. I ate it in good humor, appreciating the irony.

Best part of the trip: the hotel was kind enough to place a well stocked refrigerator in the room, which I made use of not only for liquid refreshment but for the peanuts and canned oysters. Every time I pulled out another can of beer a digital readout tick upward another 500 points, which I figured was a meter on the number of calories I was consuming. What the heck, it made up for dinner, in my opinion. Worst part of the trip: my not-a-client has been leaving messages for me since I got back, telling me he won't pay for the "outrageous bar bill"

I charged to the room. I ask you, why would I go to the bar when I had a refrigerator full of free goodies in my room? Sometimes people are so out of touch it scares me.

Quality jokes-Two rivals

There were two rival stores across the main street from each other in a small town in the U.S.
One day one of the stores put up a sign:
'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.
'The Cheapest Store in This Town', countered the other.
'... in This Part of the Country'.
'... in This State'.
'... in the USA'.
'... in the Western Hemisphere'.
'... in the World'.
'... in the Universe'.
After a short pause the first store owner simply replaced his sign:
'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

Adult jokes-Cheating wife

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Short funny jokes-Shrink

Q: Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink?
A: He had some issues.

Q: Why did the casino's black-jack person go see a shrink?
A: He couldn't deal with it any more.

Sarcastic jokes-Marrying again

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."
The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

Party jokes-Annual office Christmas party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important jerk, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Non veg jokes-Sex lives

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Funny statements-Learning English

A Portuguese is learning English and has to make sentence with the words Green, Pink and Yellow. So he begins,
I woke up this morning and the phone goes green green, I pink up the phone and say Yellow.

Sarcastic jokes-Sued for libel

A journalist was sued for libel when he described a life peeress in his column as a 'cow'. He lost the case but at the end he asked the judge a question, "So, in future , I must not call a baroness a 'cow', is that right?"
"That is correct"
"But I suppose I could call a cow a baroness?"
"It would be pointless but not libelous"
"Thank you, your Honor", said the journalist and he turned to the plaintiff and said
"Hello Baroness".

Short adult jokes-Shop class

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school.
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

Comedy jokes-Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Funny statements-No change

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

Funny pictures-Bride legs

Naughty jokes-Affectionate couple

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend,
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

Children jokes-Baby Jesus

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Ultimate jokes-Losing love

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a b**ch, die!'"

Funny farm jokes-How are you feeling?

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

Most popular jokes-Mad cow

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

Short adult jokes-More money

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky b**bs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

Really funny jokes-Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, something or other.."

Life-Bewildered

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.
When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.
Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift, they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

Funny statements-Sooner

If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Jokes funny-Most embarrasing moments

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
- Faye Emerick

Short adult jokes-In common

Sex and shopping have one thing in common:
In both the cases men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on and on and on and on!

Accountant jokes-Robbery

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Sarcastic jokes-Couple of nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked their view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns said,
"Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!"

Clean jokes funny-History class

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

So is Life-Mr. Lucky

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.
The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out........... He fell down the stairs and broke his ankle.

Financial planning

Short adult jokes-Military

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Life-Negatives

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

Adult funny jokes-Pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girl-friend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Really funny jokes-The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Funny statements-Puns on her

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Hilarious jokes-Double coverage

Two farmers met on the road one day and began talking.
"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"
"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.
"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.
"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.
"Two," the first replied. "Why?"
"Tell your wife I'll give you DOUBLE coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.
"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."
"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can

replace them with!"

Short adult jokes-Contortionist

"I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off."

New Millennium Office Terminology

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment. )

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him; He's 404, man."

Clean jokes funny-Revelation

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Short adult jokes-Advice to women

Men are like floor tiles,
If you lay them right the first time,
You can walk on them for years.

Jokes funny-Old cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle
of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied,
"I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Funny statements-Body Found!!!

Today, the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

Classic jokes-Household

"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain,"
said the proud father of number one to the rector.
"I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."

Insurance jokes

A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day.
"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
"No," said the man.
"Do you motor?"
"No."
"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"
"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous—"
But the agent interrupted him curtly.
"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."