Sports humor-Press Release

Scare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters
Training at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.
Initially the Club thought it was a prank!
Team manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.
Practice will resume this afternoon after police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Non veg jokes-Treating baldness

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber,
"but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"

Funny statements-Steaming up

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Short adult jokes-Men and pantyhose

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Good jokes-Mention in the Will

A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.
"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'" :lol:

Sarcastic jokes-Alarmists

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes,
six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

Funny stuff jokes-Insurance Company representative

An Insurance Company representative was selling insurance policies. He was telling a man about the benefits of the insurance policy. The Man asks him immediately with excitement :
"What will I get if my wife dies right after I have purchased this policy ".

The policy seller replies seriously "You will get 10 years of imprisonment ."

Funny statements-Pick up line

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Short adult jokes-Private detective

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their client's wife in bed with another man.
"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Really funny jokes-Cars in Heaven

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Light bulb jokes

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

Ultimate jokes-Change in location

Some geological engineers from the U.S.G.S. recently surveyed some property in New England and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but now in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

Funny statements-Unfair

It's unfair that women have Valentine's Day, but men have no equivalent holiday. We need a day with tons of food, hours of football on TV and no gift shopping or decorations.
OK, I guess Thanksgiving will do.

Short adult jokes-In the middle of the forest

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says,"Me too, you've been eating grass for the last 10 minutes."

Humor jokes-Luck matters

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.
"Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked. "What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

College humor-Dress for the prom

This college girl was in a boutique for at least an hour choosing the "perfect" dress for the prom. The next day, to the surprise of the saleswoman, she was back with the outfit.
"Can I exchange this for something else?" she asked.
The saleswoman was surprised, but she couldn't argue with the girl's explanation: "My parents like it."

Office humor-Broken

Funny jokes clean-Absent minded professor

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Naughty jokes-Brief human interest story

A young journalism graduate from University had gone to work for the Local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

Really funny jokes-Artist working from home

There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
The artist told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close,then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

Funny statements-Envy

I know that a lot of you envy teachers, but any teacher will tell you that ten weeks in the summer is not nearly enough time to allow their eardrums to heal.

Jokes funny-Father's occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."

Adult jokes-Idiot's guide to Sex

* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

* Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail

Children jokes-Front seats

My wife and I had taken our two children to a popular children's movie and the theater was filling up. Just before the movie started, another family with small children came in and the only remaining seats were in the very front row. As the father was coaxing his children to walk across the row to sit down, a now quiet and dark theater heard one child plainly say, "But Dad, we can't sit in front. What about the air bags?"

Short adult jokes-Second best thing

Define contraceptive pill?
It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Good jokes-Police pick up

One early evening, a police car pulled up in front of grandma Marge's house, and grandpa Stanley gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Stanley", said grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to his wife, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Funny jokes-Nuns at a Ball Game

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there."
One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."

Funny adult jokes-Farmer buying young cock from market

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock: O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Ultimate jokes-Burst of Thunder

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Light bulb jokes-Movie stars

How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!

Short adult jokes-Zsa Zsa Gabor

When Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared on Johnny Carson's show, she brought her large purebred cat. The entire interview, whenever Johnny tried to change the subject, she kept going back to discussing the cat. Johnny was getting just a bit frustrated.
Finally, Zsa Zsa gave him his opening... she asked him, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
To which he, of course, replied, "Sure, just get that stupid cat out of the way."

Sarcastic jokes-Changes

Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Funny toons-Crap

Adult jokes-Watch with alpha waves

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Funny statements-Herd

Noah's remark as the animals were boarding the ark:
Now I've herd everything!

Short humor jokes-Next wedding

At my cousin's wedding, the best man ended his toast by saying he wanted the groom to know that he'd be there for him at his next wedding when this one didn't work out."

Really funny jokes-Female news anchor

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Creative riddles

Why do people work as bakers?
Because they knead the dough.

How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots!

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.

When did the fly fly?
When the spider spied her.

Short adult jokes-Sobbing

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for sex!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250/-"

Jokes funny-The best marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.

The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The resident introduced him to the shooter.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the person. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Life-Fattening

My mother and I sat at the kitchen table eating peanuts one after another. Finally I said: "Mom, you’d better stop eating these. They’re fattening.
"My mother thought about this for a moment, then smiled. "I don’t have to worry," she said. "None of my clothes fit anyway."

Humor jokes-Reporter

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

Naughty jokes-Pre school

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Adult jokes-Man coming home after night shift

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

Funny statements-Stupid

"My brother was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

Really funny jokes-Taking a 5 year old to the bank

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a: beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

Hilarious jokes-Air Canada pilot

During a commercial airline flight a dead-heading pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Canada Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!!!

Funny stuff jokes-Coat hanger

One rainy evening, my husband, David, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car.
He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.
David then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger.
After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in.
As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

Funny toons-Not too fast

Short adult jokes-Tragedies

Q:What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Funny riddles

How did the telephone propose to his girl friend?
He gave her a ring

What shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers

What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."

Really funny jokes-Blind date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Naughty jokes-Sex in public

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

Short adult jokes-Last job

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

Hilarious jokes-Potty training

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Creative puns-Vote that counts

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Redneck jokes-Overheard

A fat redneck was overheard telling his friend:
"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday,
Reading the newspaper,
Watching a football game on TV and
Listening to another game on the radio,
Drinking a beer,
Eating a high cholesterol snack, and
Scratching our dog with my foot -- and
My wife had the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing!"

Funny statements-Diagonally parked

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Good jokes-New mink coat

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat.
"It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said her friend.
"He had to," replied the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid."
"How dreadful. Did you fire her?"
"No." She smiled. "I still need a new dress and purse."

Short adult jokes-Married three years

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

Party jokes-Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Sarcastic jokes-Shopping

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Animal jokes-Cow's Advice

A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Short adult jokes-Chinese

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Really funny jokes-Alligator versus pearl

Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian's necklace.
"What are those things?" she asked.
"Alligator teeth ma'am," replied the Indian.
"Oh I see. I suppose they have the same value for your people that pearls have for us."
"Not quite," he answered gravely. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Funny toons-Net addict

Funny statements-Getting a loan

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

Office humor jokes-Job titles

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:

Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Typist - Printed Document Handler

Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician

Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer

Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians

Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator

Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer

Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist

Cook - Food Preparation Officer

Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator

Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist

Children jokes-Getting her attention

Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."
"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl."
The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"
Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."

Adult jokes-New suit

Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

Clean jokes funny-A funeral procession

A drunk comes across a funeral procession. He sees a man there.
- Bob! My classmate! I haven't seen you for ages!
- Sorry. I have a grief. My wife has died.
- You have married! My congratulations!

Funny statements-Carrot a day

"Health experts in Europe now say one carrot a day can keep you free of colon cancer. You know, I just hope they mean you eat it."

Really funny jokes-Leaving Mommy

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mommy."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "Take her with you!"

Funny stuff jokes-Broken Vase

A tightwad was looking for a gift for a friend of his. Everything he saw in the store was too expensive. Then he came across a glass vase that had been broken, which could be purchased for next to nothing.
The tightwad asked the store clerk to send the gift, hoping his friend would think that the vase had been broken during transit.
A couple of weeks later, the tightwad received an acknowledgment for the gift. "Thanks for the vase," read the card. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."