Santa was teaching Preeto swimming.
After 2 hrs Preeto said: Tell me, will I really drown like a leaking boat if you take out your finger?
After 2 hrs Preeto said: Tell me, will I really drown like a leaking boat if you take out your finger?
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Monday, November 30, 2009
Children jokes-Correct answer
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow.
One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!"
The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!"
The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
Comedy jokes-Experience
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.'I've been divorced three times.'
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.'I've been divorced three times.'
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Adult jokes-Unlocking the door
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
Funny statements-Viable
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sarcastic jokes-A Little Gas
While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?" he asked.
"No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little gas."
A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more weight.
"Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?" asked the priest.
"No, Father, just a little gas," she again replied.
A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"
"No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little gas."
A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more weight.
"Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?" asked the priest.
"No, Father, just a little gas," she again replied.
A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"
Short humor jokes-Embarrassed
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Children jokes-God made Grandpa
A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Really funny jokes-Witty waiter
The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of
long-ago food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your john?"
The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
long-ago food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your john?"
The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Doctor jokes-The second opinion
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Short adult jokes-Cream
Banta complaining: You are so unresponsive, do you use cold cream between your legs?
Preeto taunting: You must be using vanishing cream between yours.
Sarcastic jokes-Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Humor jokes-Music theory
JAZZ
Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES
Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC
Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA
People singing when they should be talking.
RAP
People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL
Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK
Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND
20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL
Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC
OK as long as it's not the house next door.
Adult jokes-Rest of my life
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Funny statements-Leak
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."
Best funny jokes-Good news
A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."
Friday, November 20, 2009
Animal jokes-Charging Bull
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.
To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Werent you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.
Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.
To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Werent you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.
Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.
Short adult jokes-Like playslip
Sex is like a payslip.
You can't discuss it with anyone cause then everyone will know how little you actually get.
Really funny jokes-Answer to go home
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids, "As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. o.k, who said four score and seven years ago?"
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."
Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."
Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Funny statements-Bar pick up line
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
Doctor jokes-Progression
Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'
Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'
Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'
Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'
Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'
Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'
Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cowboy jokes-In the saloon
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
Short adult jokes-Before blast
Jeeto: What'll you do if you have only 5 mins before an Atomic blast occurs?
Santa: I'll have sex with you.
Jeeto: OK, but what about the next four minutes?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Funny statements-21 day special
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days."
Best funny jokes-Transfer to Belfast
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Belfast. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker told him to reconsider. Belfast was a magnificent city, with wonderful pubs, loaded with great history, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Belfast for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated"
The first asked, "What did you do over there?"
"I was tail-gunner on a milk truck."
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker told him to reconsider. Belfast was a magnificent city, with wonderful pubs, loaded with great history, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Belfast for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated"
The first asked, "What did you do over there?"
"I was tail-gunner on a milk truck."
The Coffee Prayer
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no EqualTM:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever.
~Author Unknown
Monday, November 16, 2009
Humor jokes-Argument
"John and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Nadine.
"Well," said Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'"
"Yeah" says Nadine.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
"How'd you do that?" asked Nadine.
"Well," said Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'"
"Yeah" says Nadine.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Children jokes-Police story
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "
Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
Doctor jokes-Matching tie
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
Adult jokes-Advertising body
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies..... ... "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...... .....!!!"
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies..... ... "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...... .....!!!"
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Humor-Computers compared to humans
* What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
* What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
* What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
* What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
* Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
* What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
* To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
* Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
* My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
* The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
Ultimate jokes-Overzealous
When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
Friday, November 13, 2009
Short adult jokes-Bee
Lady golfer storms angrily into club house.
Golf PRO: What's wrong?
Lady: Got stung by a bee.
PRO: Where?
Lady: Between the 1st and 2nd hole!
Really funny jokes-Honest answer
My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, mutton and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, mutton and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Office humor jokes-Management training program
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management-training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Short adult jokes-Homosexual
Banta: It is shame but let me confess I have become homosexual.
Wife: How come?
Banta: I have sex at HOME only!
Wife: Thank god I am not.
Jokes funny-Prison cell
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked,
"What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked,
"What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sports humor-New York Yankees
A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about a dream he had in which he died and went to heaven. There he was ordered to organize and manage a ball team. He said all the available talent - Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson, Rube Waddell, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and many other superstars, overwhelmed him.
Just then the phone rang. It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team to a game. "But you haven't got a chance of winning," said the manager. "You see I got all the great ball players up here."
Satan explained, "Oh, I know that. But I've got all the umpires!"
Just then the phone rang. It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team to a game. "But you haven't got a chance of winning," said the manager. "You see I got all the great ball players up here."
Satan explained, "Oh, I know that. But I've got all the umpires!"
Funny statements-Dying wish
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
Monday, November 09, 2009
Restaurant jokes-Fish
"Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself. "
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself. "
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
Funny definitions
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Short adult jokes-Good news Bad news
Secretary to boss: I have some good news and some bad news.
Boss: What's the good news?
Secretary: You're not sterile.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Funny statements-Shy
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Children jokes-Footsteps
A physician told this story about her then 4 year old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Friday, November 06, 2009
Short adult jokes-Kill after mating
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Hilarious jokes-A Duck's Job
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the bartender, "Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this bar. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the bar and the bartender says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the bar.
The bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
That's right" replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f**k do they want with a carpenter?"
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the bartender, "Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this bar. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the bar and the bartender says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the bar.
The bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
That's right" replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f**k do they want with a carpenter?"
Really funny jokes-A Lawyer's deal with the Devil
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you."
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Good jokes-Grandma still drives
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Humor jokes-Exercise machine
Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer.
Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup.
The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup.
The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Hilarious jokes-So is Life!
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water!
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income taxes."
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income taxes."
Monday, November 02, 2009
Really funny jokes-Abandoned farm
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."
Comedy jokes-Social security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.'
The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.'
Sunday, November 01, 2009
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