Really funny jokes-Divorce hearing

"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action?" asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.
"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives, " replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."
"Why? What happened?"
"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"

Short adult jokes-Annual check up

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

Life-Just a MOM???

Just a MOM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is, " explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a ...?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it, said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed..

What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out..
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the human ties,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.


Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates?"
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants."

Cannibal jokes-Divorced woman

A woman, who had been married and divorced twice, went on a hunting trip to South Africa. In the course of the journey into the wilds, her safari group came across some cannibals.
The balance of the crew told her, "You're ok, but we must leave - immediately! "
She inquired as to why she was ok, if the rest of them had to run for their lives.
The leader of the safari responded, "Cannibals learned years ago not to eat divorced women. They are always bitter!"

Funny statements-Statistician

A statistician is someone who can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and will say that on the average that he feels fine.

Adult jokes-Teaching English

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Animal jokes-The moles

A papa mole,
A mama mole,
And a baby mole
All live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks
His head out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

Then mama mole sticks
Her head out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying
To stick his head out
Of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't because the bigger
Moles are in the way.

This makes him whine and say,
"Geez, all I can smell is...

Molasses!

Short adult jokes-In labor

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child.
She was shouting out "Get this out of me? Give me the drugs."
She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

Light bulb jokes

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeez, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeaze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Beagle: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?
Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and...

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Humor in uniform-Change

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops start cheering wildly.
"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

Funny toons-Old lover

Funny statements-Troubles

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

Humor jokes-Mom's calling

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Dianne, your mother wants to talk to you!"

Really funny jokes-Doctor's advice

At his wife's insistence, Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up.
"You look just terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?"
"Why yes, plenty." said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps."
"And with that deep cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker."
"You bet," said Goldberg, "Three packs a day for me."
"Look Mr. Goldberg," the doctor said. "You are not a healthy man. You are going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and that is an order. Now, before you go, that'll be $50 for my advice."
Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"

Sarcastic jokes-Cherokee Indian

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

Ultimate jokes-Size

A woman walked into my father's carpet store. She'd just moved out of her parents' home and needed something for her new living-room floor.
"Do you know how big the room is?" Dad asked.
"Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide...and I wear a size 8."

Short adult jokes-Sex education class

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Judi, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!!!" Judi fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin for position.... "

Office humor jokes-Tit for tat

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year. Now if I were the contractor with a sense of humor...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Funny farming jokes-Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.
"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Funny statements-Jury

Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Animal jokes-Running in the woods

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.
He runs up the Giraffe and says, “Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!”
The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.
The Rabbit says, “Oh, Elephant you really shouldn’t do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.”
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.
The Rabbit runs up to him and says, “Hey, Bear, you shouldn’t do that, think of your health. You’d be better of running in the woods with us.”
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.
The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, “Hey Tiger, you really shouldn’t d that.” and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, “What the hell are you doing, man?”
The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, “Ah, that little f*cker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he’s on Ecstasy!”

Best funny jokes-Medical aid

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school?
A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Sarcastic jokes-Tax Return

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”

Short adult jokes-Mr. Right

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

Really funny jokes-Bookstore

My mom got a suspicious phone call from a large bookstore retailer here in town. "Ma'am, we are just calling to tell you that your book has arrived. Would you like to come in and pick it up?"
Not to be taken in by just another marketing ploy to get her to buy something she never ordered, she replied, "Really! Well, then, what is the title?"
There was a long pause on the other line and then quite a string of hums and hahs. Mother's smug smile widened with every pause, while she thought, I've outsmarted them!
Finally a response: "Well, uh, the title is uh, 'How to Improve Your Short-Term Memory.'"
"Oh!" (pause) "Well, in that case, I'd better be right over!"
When she got there, they all had a good-natured laugh about it.

Funny statements-Pedestrians

There are two kinds of pedestrians- the quick and the dead.

Funny toons-Blonde moment

"If you are gonna pad your bra with Kleenex,take them out of the box first"

Sarcastic jokes-The Economy is bad

The economy is so bad that...

The Mafia laid off three judges in New Jersey.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

PETA now sells chicken wings at their meetings.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

People in Hollywood fired their nannies and then had to learn their own children's names.

A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

LA's most highly paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for ya!

Congress is still investigating Bernie Madoff's scam. So... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the guys who made $750 billion disappear?

Birthday jokes-Exchange

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

Naughty jokes-How many?

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Adult jokes-Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?"
She blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."
"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."

Office humor jokes-Aptitude test

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in the dumps.
"Whats wrong now Bob," asked Bill.
Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so whats the problem with that," asks Bill.
Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment. "

Short adult jokes-Martinis

How are tits like martinis?
One's not enough and three's too many.

Best funny jokes-Cooking

My cooking leaves much to be desired, and one night I found out just how bad it really is.
We had friends over for dinner, and the kids were playing in the living room. When I opened the oven door to take supper out, the smoke alarm went off.
Not a second later, from the living room and at the top of his lungs my three- year-old son declared to all, "Supper's ready!"

Funny statements-False eyelashes

She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
- Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

Life-Dancing frenzy

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his IPod.

Funny farm jokes-Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Adult jokes-Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Humor jokes-Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute. "
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Office humor jokes-Proof of name

I requested identification from a department store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.
After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Funny statements-MJ joke

Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!”

Short adult jokes-100 million sperm

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Really funny jokes-Baby Gates

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:

Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

Good jokes-Tremendous fight

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Funny toons-Positions

Funny statements-Pulled through

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I'm very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through."

Funny jokes-Proof of name

I requested identification from a department store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.
After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Blonde jokes-Cruise special

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks,
"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."

Adult jokes-Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday,. At the end of the work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Sarcastic jokes-Life comes a full circle

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Children jokes-Recycling

In our family, toys, bikes and clothes are repainted, repaired and mended for the next in line. I didn't realize the impact this recycling was having on our children until one day our daughter came home from kindergarten saying a classmate had lost her tooth. I wondered if Maria understood who the tooth fairy was and asked if she knew where her teeth go when she loses one.
She pointed to her 14-month-old sister and exclaimed, "Well, to Christine of course!"

Short adult jokes-Clear out

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Clean jokes funny-At work

My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.
One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car,frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my brother, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.

Ultimate jokes-Dieting Rules

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Funny jokes- Newspapers, Who is reading what?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as
long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

Short adult jokes-Blind man

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Funny statements-Continue

After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... And, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..."
Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Insurance jokes-Twp prospects

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."
"That's good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Birthday party jokes-Heartburn

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Adult jokes-White mustache

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

Really funny jokes-No clergyman

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.
He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.
He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

Children jokes-Look Different

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Short adult jokes-Lesbian bar

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Funny toons-Psychodrama

Funny statements-She makes lists

She makes lists.
Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
- Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

Office humor jokes-Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.

Quality jokes-Crashing Cans

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Short adult jokes-Spice up

After 29 yrs of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage. She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want some of this?"
He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"

Funny farm jokes-Horse pulls the car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Birthday party jokes-Something with diamonds

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Office jokes-Outsourcing the American Presidency to India

Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of August 1, 2009. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 5 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Obama was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Obama has used them successfully, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr.Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

Funny statements-A woman's perspective

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Short adult jokes-Messy house

When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!"

Celebrity humor-The President on Abortion

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

Good jokes-From Webaholics

Marcel Marceau owned a fabulous restaurant on the coast of Maine that specialized in the local seafood. Their particular specialty was their superb version of "Filet of Sole".
Customers came from to enjoy the fine food and be greeted by the owner in pantomime. The kitchen staff were also masters of the art of pantomime. A sign over the kitchen entrance read, "These are the mimes that fry Maine's soles." (Ken Pinkham)

Really funny jokes-Fried Chicken

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Short humor jokes-Witnesses

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Funny statements-Integrity

Don't let anyone belittle your integrity without paying you good money to do so.