Good jokes - Adult jokes
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Blonde jokes-Daughter's purse
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
Clean jokes funny-Perfect solution
The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.
The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.
He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.
He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
Friday, January 29, 2010
Short adult jokes-Rolex
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Funny quotes-Discrimination
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman ROTC Instructor .
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman ROTC Instructor .
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Adult jokes-The Flay frog story
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have a disease?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "But I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. And "THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right and he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back,still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and was headed out the door when the Madam stopped him, and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home and on the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter' s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and he will catch the disease, and He's the b***ard who ran over my Frog!"
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have a disease?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "But I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. And "THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right and he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back,still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and was headed out the door when the Madam stopped him, and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home and on the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter' s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and he will catch the disease, and He's the b***ard who ran over my Frog!"
Funny jokes-Sisters
My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You're sisters?" he asked incredulously.
Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."
Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Short humor jokes-Ecstasy
A young man asks his granny:
Have you seen my pills, the ones I left on the table this morning? They were labeled "Ecstasy".
Granny says: F**k the pills, Dude... Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?
Really funny jokes-Abbott and Costello
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Adult jokes-Geographic location
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
Office humor jokes-Nuclear and Coffee
Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
Monday, January 25, 2010
Short adult jokes-69 position
Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Children jokes-Does not know
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Adult jokes-Fantastic job
The businessman came home form work about 6 pm.
He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss.
Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job.
Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a mighty explosion,which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows.
He stares fondly at her, then asks,
"All right, dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"
Funny jokes-Expensive pocket watch
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
Friday, January 22, 2010
Short adult jokes-Big mouth
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
Office humor jokes-Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Funny statements-Iraq in 3 parts
CNN said that, after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into 3 parts,
regular, premium and unleaded.
regular, premium and unleaded.
Blonde jokes-Pink curtain
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches" "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.
"That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ............ . I've got Windoooooows!"
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Short adult jokes-Blonde humor
One friend in a bar asked another, "So, how did you do with that blonde you took home last night."
"Terrible. She had the biggest c**t I've ever seen."
"So, what did you do?"
"Not much I could do. I just threw in a quarter, made a wish, and sent her home."
Really funny jokes-Voluptuous sex object
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Short humor jokes-Dating on Internet
I had to voice my concern when a co-worker said she found dates using the Internet. "Don't worry about me," she said, "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course."
"Why there?" I asked.
"First, it's a public spot," she said. "Second, it's in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand."
"Why there?" I asked.
"First, it's a public spot," she said. "Second, it's in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand."
Adult jokes-Get rich quick
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Funny statements-Short fortune teller
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Welcome to Niagra falls
Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard!
Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls??
Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls??
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Best funny jokes-Dr. Epstein
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Adult jokes-Where do babies come from?
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
'Mother, where do babies come from?'
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.'
The child seems to comprehend.
'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'
'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'
'Mother, where do babies come from?'
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.'
The child seems to comprehend.
'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'
'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'
Friday, January 15, 2010
Life-When I'm an old lady
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids, and make their life
happy and filled with such fun. I want to pay back all the joy they've
provided, returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited. When I'm an
old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; and bounce on the
furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave
it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout. When I'm an
old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things
like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake
their head, and when that is done I'll hide under the bed. When I'm an
old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I'll not eat my green
beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the
table, and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able. When I'm an old
lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click. I'll cross
both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw
one away, and play in the mud until the end of the day. When I'm an
old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and
then close my eyes; and my kids will look down with a smile slowly
creeping, and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
when I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Short adult jokes-Sexually harassed
6 Feet girl to her boss: I'm being sexually harassed.
Boss: how?
Girl: This guy comes in every morning and says your hair smells great.
Boss: What's the problem in that?
Girl: He is 3 feet tall.
Really funny jokes- What He Says, What He Means:
What He Says, What He Means:
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Adult jokes-Traveling dildo salesman
One day the traveling dildo salesman visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home. He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized one, and the large one. Eventually, she bought the large one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying, "I'll take the huge silver one."
The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large one. When he got home that evening
his wife asked him how his day had gone.
He replied it had gone well.
"How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large ones... and my thermos."
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying, "I'll take the huge silver one."
The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large one. When he got home that evening
his wife asked him how his day had gone.
He replied it had gone well.
"How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large ones... and my thermos."
Animal jokes-The tip
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.
Office humor jokes-Good spelling
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later his reply:"must be dephective."
"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later his reply:"must be dephective."
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Humor in uniform-World War II
It seems that a young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II. Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
Monday, January 11, 2010
Funny farm jokes-An old farmer's advice
AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain Dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain Dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Doctor jokes-Priceless answer
My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty doctor that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times.
I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having sex?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having sex?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
Children jokes-All girls
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past ).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Friday, January 08, 2010
Really funny jokes-Baby
When my wife Diane came home from the hospital with our second baby, she hired Myrna, a live-in-nurse, to come along and help out for the first few weeks.
Having read up on sibling rivalry, my wife watched our two year old daughter Chelsey for signs of jealousy or insecurity, but Chelsey adored her little brother from the start. She loved to help Myrna feed and bathe the baby. She even offered to share her toys.
Several weeks passed and the mother of my two children, convinced that Chelsey was suffering no ill effects. decided she could manage without a nurse.
As she watched Myrna walk out to her car that last day, she heard an unmistakable cry of distress.
"Myrna!" yelled Chelsey, running after her. "You forgot your baby!"
Having read up on sibling rivalry, my wife watched our two year old daughter Chelsey for signs of jealousy or insecurity, but Chelsey adored her little brother from the start. She loved to help Myrna feed and bathe the baby. She even offered to share her toys.
Several weeks passed and the mother of my two children, convinced that Chelsey was suffering no ill effects. decided she could manage without a nurse.
As she watched Myrna walk out to her car that last day, she heard an unmistakable cry of distress.
"Myrna!" yelled Chelsey, running after her. "You forgot your baby!"
Adult jokes-Start the prayer
A family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honored guest. The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already.
The daughter hesitated, "But Mom!" After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "Oooh, God! Ooooh, Jimmy! Oooh, God! Jimmy! Oh God, oh God!"
All of a sudden, her mother stopped her. "What's gotten into you?"
She seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother, "What? That's what I hear you pray!"
The daughter hesitated, "But Mom!" After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "Oooh, God! Ooooh, Jimmy! Oooh, God! Jimmy! Oh God, oh God!"
All of a sudden, her mother stopped her. "What's gotten into you?"
She seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother, "What? That's what I hear you pray!"
Funny statements- Middle aged
You know you are now middle-aged when people stop saying you look good and start saying you look good for your age.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Short adult jokes-Birth control pills
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Rosey to Nina.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nina responded.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nina responded.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
Blonde jokes-City girl
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would You know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would You know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Funny stuff jokes-Digging a sewer
Two Irishmen were digging a sewer. One was six feet five, the other four feet three. The little one was consistently doing more work than the big one.
One day the foreman stopped by and tried to shame the taller one into greater effort. "For shame now," he said, pointing to the smaller man. "He's doing twice the work you are."
"And why not?" replied the six-footer. "'Tis closer to it, he is!"
One day the foreman stopped by and tried to shame the taller one into greater effort. "For shame now," he said, pointing to the smaller man. "He's doing twice the work you are."
"And why not?" replied the six-footer. "'Tis closer to it, he is!"
Naughty jokes-As wide as
A couple had been married 10 years.
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said “Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is huge. I’ll bet it’s as wide as the gas grill.”
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife’s butt.
“Yep,” he said, “just what I thought, just about the same size.”
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone.She went inside the house and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?”
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
She replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you?”
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said “Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is huge. I’ll bet it’s as wide as the gas grill.”
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife’s butt.
“Yep,” he said, “just what I thought, just about the same size.”
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone.She went inside the house and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?”
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
She replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you?”
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Ultimate jokes-Orthodox married couple
Moshe and Miriam, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Miriam's water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward. Because Moshe wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
Short adult jokes-Course in human sexuality
During a university course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with her...Who was HE?'
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with her...Who was HE?'
Monday, January 04, 2010
Comedy jokes-Spanish fly
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted b**ch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted b**ch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
Political jokes-United States of Iran
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Short adult jokes-Like in the movies
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Office jokes-Corporate Lesson
Corporate Lesson: The Washerman, Dog and Donkey
Good story with old version…
There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.
One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.
The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.
The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.
Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"
Now take a new look at the same story…
The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute.
He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.
He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.
Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a " meets requirement" Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.
The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…
If you have worked in a corporate environment, I am sure you have guessed the characters of the new story.
Good story with old version…
There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.
One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.
The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.
The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.
Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"
Now take a new look at the same story…
The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute.
He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.
He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.
Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a " meets requirement" Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.
The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…
If you have worked in a corporate environment, I am sure you have guessed the characters of the new story.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Funny statements-Imports
'Traditionally most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
-Keppel Enderbery
Adult jokes-Ears
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.
The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
Sarcastic jokes-Deer hunting
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
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