Good jokes - Adult jokes
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Classic jokes-Pop quiz
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
Hilarious jokes-Southern hospitality
Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality. She agrees.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the floor!"
Friday, February 26, 2010
Short adult jokes-Perfect wife
What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store...
Really funny jokes-Packers fan
There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Funny statements-Bad heart
'If somebody has a bad heart they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning when they wake up dead there'll be a record.'
Mark S. Fowler FCC Chairman
Mark S. Fowler FCC Chairman
Good jokes-One last cookie
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch those!" she said, "They are for the funeral."
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch those!" she said, "They are for the funeral."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Animal jokes-Shooting the bull
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Celebrity humor jokes-Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve..
And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack.
"Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
Short adult jokes-Men's facial features
A recent study at the University of Missouri Medical School shows that the type of men's facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstural cycle.
For example: Most of the month a woman is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with smooth, clean-shaven features.
During her period or if she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire!
For example: Most of the month a woman is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with smooth, clean-shaven features.
During her period or if she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire!
Clean jokes-How To Become A Dad
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '
'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '
'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Really funny jokes-Some things you just can't explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says,
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try and answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Try me" the man says.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset, but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in."
"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says,
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try and answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Try me" the man says.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset, but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in."
"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."
Short humor jokes-Fastest way to a man's heart
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Classic jokes-Hot dog
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly.
The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly.
The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
The financial crisis explained in simple terms
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.
These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.
Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts.
Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against the non-drinkers.
Finally an explanation I understand . . .
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.
These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.
Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts.
Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against the non-drinkers.
Finally an explanation I understand . . .
Friday, February 19, 2010
Short adult jokes-Leave town
Sherriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says, "padner, you've got 5 minutes to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says, "this is a pretty big town, I'll need a couple of hours."
Humor in uniform-Iranian Air Defense Radar
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up ... I'll wait.'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)"
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up ... I'll wait.'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)"
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Celebrity humor-Quote by Rod Stewart
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
- Rod Stewart
- Rod Stewart
Humor jokes-Professional help
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional. "
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional. "
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Rehabilitation
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Really funny jokes-Chinese for dummies
CHINESE FOR DUMMIES:
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Short adult jokes-Wonder bra
Q: Do you know why they named it the "wonder bra?"
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Quality jokes-Move to Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Funny statements-Car pool
Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't car-pool to work with them.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Children jokes-Butt dust
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"
Adult funny jokes-Seen a Man
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Nasty limericks
There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
Friday, February 12, 2010
Short adult jokes-Substitute for women
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Best funny jokes-Worried groom
A young man gets married. After the first night, his friend asked him,
'Hey, how was the night? Somehow you look slightly worried.'
Replied the young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her 100 dollars!'
'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled the friend.
'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned 20 dollars!'
'Hey, how was the night? Somehow you look slightly worried.'
Replied the young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her 100 dollars!'
'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled the friend.
'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned 20 dollars!'
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Good jokes-Senior Citizens Dance Club
87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax. At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says,
"I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax. At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says,
"I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."
Blonde jokes-Viens a moi
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Short adult jokes-Listless sex life
The man, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
Really funny jokes-Chicken feed
A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie.
Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"
He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie.
Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Husbands who control their wives
There were three guys talking in the cafe. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says...
"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
She said...
“Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says...
"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
She said...
“Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”
Monday, February 08, 2010
Adult jokes-Storming row
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
Ultimate jokes-Chatty Parrot
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Short adult jokes-Reincarnation
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".
Really funny jokes-Chinese Restaurant
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.
The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Friday, February 05, 2010
Animal jokes-Turtle's efforts
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Celebrity humor-One legged gold digger
A gold miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg.
He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who will want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replies, "Try Paul McCartney"
Funny jokes clean-Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Short adult jokes-Cold
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
Best funny jokes-You know you're Italian when
You know you're Italian when . . . .
...You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
...You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
...Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
...You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
...All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
...You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners
...You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
...If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
...There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
...You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . .. .
...Your grandfather had a fig tree.
...You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
...Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
...Your mom's meatballs are the best.
...You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
...Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
...You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella. "
...You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
...You've called someone a "mamaluke."
...And you understand "bada bing".
...You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
...You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
...Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
...You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
...All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
...You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners
...You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
...If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
...There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
...You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . .. .
...Your grandfather had a fig tree.
...You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
...Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
...Your mom's meatballs are the best.
...You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
...Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
...You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella. "
...You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
...You've called someone a "mamaluke."
...And you understand "bada bing".
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Hilarious jokes-The Mexican family
A Mexican family was considering putting their grand-father in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Baptist home.
After a few weeks in the Baptist facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F**king Mexican'
After a few weeks in the Baptist facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F**king Mexican'
Funny statements-Best time
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Really funny jokes-Navajo reservation
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
A NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASS*****. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
A NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASS*****. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
Adult jokes-Clever boyfriend
A worried father confronted his Arkansaan daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and ugly and really stupid, too."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Billy-Bubba's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
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