Really good stuff-The older crowd

THE OLDER CROWD

* Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

* Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.

* You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

* One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Funny statements-Unfamiliar territory

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Short adult jokes-Come again

Did you hear the one about Monica Lewinski's cleaners man who's hearing-impaired?
She went in one day and said to him, "I'd like to have this dress cleaned, please."
He goes, "Come again?"
She responds, "No, mustard!"

Quality jokes-Phone conversation

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around ten."

There was a confused silence on the other end.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten."

A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." *CLICK*

Really funny jokes-Chili cook off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 400 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>> Judge # 3 - No Report

Good jokes-Double Date

The young girl was seated in her doctor's office. "Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the physician, "and there is every indication that you are going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a double date in my life!"

Funny toons-Humor in the operation theater

Sarcastic adult jokes-Another woman

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

Funny hilarious jokes-Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Funny stuff jokes-An Italian In Detroit

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast,

I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma b**ch.

Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma b**ch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet.

So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma b**ch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma b**ch.

Office humor jokes-Presidential clock

Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"
Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."
"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."
Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out. In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."
The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."

Short adult jokes-Room full of women

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
- A whine and cheese party!

Most popular jokes-Joke: Do You Have A Dog House?

Joke: Do You Have A Dog House?

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Really funny jokes-Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

Funny statements-Advice in Men's magazine

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

Ultimate jokes-Drink from the River

A preacher was addressing a congregation:
“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”.
And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”.
And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”.
Again the congregation cried, “Amen!”

The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river’.

The congregation SCREAMED “HALLELUJAH !!!”

Celebrity humor-Plans for Iraq

In England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying,

'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.

The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

Short adult jokes-Tupperware parties

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Yo mama jokes

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

Humor pictures-Nice man

Sarcastic jokes-Show passport

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible! Americans always have to show a passport upon arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

Children jokes-Magnetic letters

My son, Mihir, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Mihir bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.

In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mihir exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

Adult jokes-Defective parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Funny statements-No luck with girls

I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years to teach her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."

Sarcastic jokes-Shaking a carpet

I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Humor jokes-Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

Good jokes-6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf’s left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?”

George replies, ”Then I am 6 minutes late.”

Cruel jokes-Sleeping bag

2 Indians camping by the dam, lekker dronk, see another guy getting eaten by a crocodile.

The one says to the other "hey bra, check dat larney, he got a lacoste sleeping bag"

Short adult jokes-What does everyone think

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of the guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

Doctor jokes-The Diagnosis

Mohan : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

Quality jokes-Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

Political jokes-Out of France

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles de Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible..

Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

Funny toons-Off the handle

Funny statements-Favorite position

I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Why her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Adult humor jokes-Bizarre interview

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization.

The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says OK. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join.

Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again.

The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization. " As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing..... .

Animal jokes-Bringing people babies

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"

Blonde jokes-Good cook

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

Really funny jokes-A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Short adult jokes-Gettng fresh

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then f**k off."

Birthday party jokes-Message on the cake

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”

The man says, Well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “ You are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

“You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom”.

College humor jokes-Psychology Class

A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sexual stimulus and of special interest was the frequency of amorous relations.
”How many students here,” said the professor, ”engage more than once a week?”
Five people raised their hands.
”And how many engage once a week?”
Ten hands went up.
”How many twice a month?”
Eight hands went up.
”Once a month?”
Four hands were raised.
”And how may once a year?”
A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically.
”If you engage only once a year,” said the professor, ”I don’t see what you’re so overjoyed about.”
Flush with excitement, the little guy said, ”Yeah, but tonight’s the night!”

Hilarious short jokes-Number one sport

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

Naughty jokes-Scribbling on the wall

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking hisnhead. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the head shaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"

Life-Most caring child

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Funny statements-More expensive apartment

I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

Good jokes-Chapter Eleven

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Funny pictures-Swollen knees or...

Birthday quotes-Live the longest

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Doctor jokes-Retirement home

Doctor Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?"
Joe responds "59."
He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?"
Tom responds, "Wednesday."
He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?"
"NINE" replies John.
"That’s right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

Short adult jokes-Worst thing to say

What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

Sarcastic jokes-Valuable lesson

Mother, I have a dilemma, and am torn between two decisions.

Okay, what is your problem my dear?

Well I love Michael, he's handsome, exciting, but poor. Andy is my other suitor, he is homely, dull, but filthy rich.

*Giggles* My dear, the answer is clear!

And what is that?

Marry Andy and hire a pool boy.

Humor jokes-100 percent sound advice

A Philosopher is giving speech in a crowed, he told to the people, “Always listen to your wife as she gives 100% sound advice.”

People from the crowed asked him, “Please Sir, tell in details how the wife gives 100% sound advice?”

The Philosopher replied, “99% sound and 1% advice.”

Adult humor jokes-Sheltered life

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

Children jokes-The burial

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

Funny statements-Cigars

My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!

Life-Cut my dog's tail

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

Humor jokes-Advanced technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their New York ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the Lincoln Journal Star, a local news paper in Lincoln, Nebraska reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in a corn field near Milford, NE, Larry the Cable Guy, a self- taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the- wool Husker fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Nebraska had already gone wireless.'

Short adult jokes-Meet my little friend

A man brought his date back to his apartment, ripped both their clothes off and then said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend."
The woman took a look, gathered her clothes and said, "Call me when he grows up."

Blonde jokes-Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"