Short adult jokes-Hat story

On the beach a man laid facing sky sunbathing with nothing to wear except a hat to cover his private to prevent others turning off.

A bitch of a woman passes by and snarls, "A gentleman lifts a hat to a woman."

Man responds, "If a woman is attractive Gentleman's Hat lifts by itself."

Best funny jokes-Biggest tool

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

Humor jokes-Twick or Tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

Funny statements-Family of drunks

My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!

Good jokes-Changing the room

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Naughty jokes-This is Hell

A guy dies and goes to Hell. When he gets down there its nothing at all like he thought it would be. It's just like the beach... clear blue sky, about 85 degrees, sandy beach and waves as far as the eye can see.

As the guy starts walking along the beach he comes upon an old dude he knows who died a few years back. The old dude is laying on the beach with this super hot little hardbody blonde all wrapped around him, and a large cooler chest of beer at his feet.

The young guy asks in amazement, "This is hell?"

"Yeah," the old dude responds. "Wanna beer?"

"Sure!" the young guy says as he grabs one from the cooler. After turning the can of beer over several times he cries, "Hey, there's no hole in this beer!"

"Yeah," the old dude says mournfully. "There's no hole in this blonde either."

THIS IS HELL!!!

Really really funny jokes-Five weeks pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her campaign .... now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?'

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:

' Who's speaking?'

Office humor jokes-Too sick

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

Short adult jokes-Most popular

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

Jokes funny-Six pack of beer

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Funny toons-Time online

Funny statements-Known for years!

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how he found out!

Lawyer jokes-Leave it all to me

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

Really funny jokes-Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f**king number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a**hole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an as**hole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a**hole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,' and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, a**hole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your butt,'

I answered, 'Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Children jokes-Don't forget my bicycle

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"

"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."

"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

Office humor jokes-Scam

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

Short adult jokes-Fake it

Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.
"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

Animal jokes-Guide dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the butt."

Humor jokes-Praise the Lord

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride.

When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen".

He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord".

The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Funny statements-Last one

He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

Sarcastic jokes-Aircraft carrier to Indonesia

At a conference in France where a number of international engineers were participating, one of the French engineers came into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.

What does he intend to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed over 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

Doctor jokes-Orthopedic surgeon

What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon?

God dosn’t think he is an orthopedic surgeon.

Funny toons-Wrong box!

Adult funny jokes-Two gifts

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!"
The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go f**k herself."

Most popular jokes-Really good deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Short adult jokes-Recommended Dosage of Viagra

Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA

New Girl friend: No need

Old Girl friend: 1/2 tablet

Mistress: 1 tablet

Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.

Good jokes-Honey, can you fix

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

Towhich he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and f**k him, or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

Blonde jokes-Inside the head

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader

What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply

Really funny jokes-Nothing happening!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Funny statements-Advanced placement

With the proliferation of advanced placement courses and "gifted" programs, our schools have gone from "separate but equal" to "all together but unequal."

Children jokes-What to say

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me," the father answered.
The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Short adult jokes-Getting old

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: You dreams are dry & you farts are wet.

Sarcastic jokes-Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" Thee Boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," The new employee replied.
"Well, then,that makes everything just fine," The boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your Grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!

Humor jokes-Height

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

Little Johnny jokes-Surprising the cow

Little Johnny goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a farm owner.
One evening, as Uncle Fred and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle Fred! Come quick! The bull is f**king the cow!"

Uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes Little Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'the bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.

A few days later, Little Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle Fred says, "Thank you Little Johnny, but surely you meant to say, "the cow, not cows". A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know."

"Oh yes he can!" replies Little Johnny, "he's f**king the horse!"

Funny toons-Holy!

Short adult jokes-30 Seconds

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

Twisted humor jokes-Ugly baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Funny statements-Secret of staying young

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball

Doctor jokes-A Car Accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just f**king with you, she's dead."

Quality jokes-Upset about something

A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.

"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"

"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"

"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."

"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

Animal jokes-Clever dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We‘ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.

Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that.

The wife responded,
But we‘ve never subscribed to any papers!!!

Short adult jokes-Sex objects

John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

Little Johnny jokes-Proper grammar

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...
Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

Funny statements-Witchcraft

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Office humor jokes-Change

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Humor jokes-Many people to please

Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in the dumps.

What's the matter? Bill asked.

I don't get it, Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damned people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me.
"And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband couldn't stand me!

Doctor jokes-Blood flow

Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?

Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?

Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

Sania Mirza -Celebrity quote

"As long as I am winning, people shouldn't care whether my skirt is six inches long or 6 feet long,"
- Sania Mirza

Funny toons-Miracles of Plastic surgery

Really funny stuff-Humor definitions

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH
A female moth.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Nasty Limericks

There once was a man named Sweeny
Whose wife was a terrible meany
The hatch on her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
And she could only get f**ked by Houdini.

Hilarious short jokes-Zebra

When the zebra walked in the bra store, what did the French store manager say?

- ZE BRA

Naughty jokes-The honeymoon expert

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

Birthday party jokes-Questions from Superior

There was this General-in-training , and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought
"I don't know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"

Little Johnny jokes-Horse ride

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"