Really funny stuff-Did I read the sign right?

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Good jokes-I was a fool

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'
The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

Funny toons-Off your chest

Limericks-Barmaid

There once was a barmaid named Gail
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.

Children jokes-The Sign

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Laurel and Hardy jokes-Autobiography

Hardy: Laurel, I find a nice book in your hand, what is it?

Laurel: Well, it is my autobiography.

Hardy: Taking the book in his hand, but this book is empty!

Laurel: Never mind. I haven't achieved any thing worthwhile to write. In the end you can find my autograph.

Hardy: ????

Animal jokes-Cat that ate wool

What happened to the cat that ate wool?

It had mittens!

Funny statements-Tiger Wood's car crash

Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Blonde jokes-Floppy drive

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"

I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I Found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging Out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office Trying awful hard to keep a straight face.

Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the Drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom?"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my Disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to Keep from joining them.
The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" Plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played And she shouldn't do that anymore.
Then she asked in a dead-serious voice
"Does that mean I don't have To stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"

Short adult jokes-Rodeo sex

Do you know what Rodeo sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Good jokes-Samples

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Sarcastic jokes-Nobel Peace Prize

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The committee believes he did enough for World Peace. He prevented Sarah Palin from becoming our vice president!

Really funny jokes-Misunderstanding Manners

A new waitress in a Bridge Club complained to the manager that the members of their renowned club were so disrespectful and foul that she was afraid she may face sexual harassment from the customers.

She explained, “As I was about to serve the Horde hours, I heard a man say,
"Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man laughed, "I've got strength but no length."

And this rude man says to the lady sitting next to him, "Take your hand off my trick!"

I was barely recovering and a lady spoke, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Then this one woman says, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

Good jokes-Children's sermon

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon,
he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children,
"What's in here?" "I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

Funny statements-Austin Powers pickup lines

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

Funny toons-Ready to defend

Short adult jokes-Virgin on waterbed

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Humor jokes-The Good Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

'Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

'If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'

'He said you're going to die,' she replied.

Children jokes-Sentence starting with "I"

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Office humor jokes-Top ten tricks to liven up a meeting

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Celebrity humor-Tiger Woods

* The only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

* Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!

Adult jokes-Like my husband's

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."
"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."

Funny statements overheard while having Sex

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

"Baa-a-a-a-a"

Doctor jokes-Between the legs

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Hilarious jokes-The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Blonde jokes-First on the sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

Short adult jokes-Red ring

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem." The doctor examines the man and sees that the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment and asks him to go home and rub on the problem area. Just moments after he applied the ointment the things gets cleared up this guy is really impressed how fast it worked and wonders this must be super wonder medicine, so he calls up the doctor and says "It's all cleared up!, But what was that medication you gave me?" Doctor: "Lipstick remover."

Animal jokes-Horny gorilla

Two gay boyfriends are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
This fascinates the gay men. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks: "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" He shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..... .."

Funny toons-Love at first sight

Good jokes-Golf courses in Heaven

A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.

"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."

"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news."

"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."

Really funny stuff-Car names

Who said car names don't have meaning.

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

Short humor jokes-The mood ring

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Office humor jokes-Quotes from Employee Appraisal Reports

QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

*Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this associate to breed.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

* This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

* This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Short adult jokes-At the card shop

At the card shop a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

Little Johnny jokes-The Smart Salesman

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Tiger Woods jokes-Endorsement

Nike wants to drop their endorsement; apparently Tiger’s balls go to everywhere.

Funny statements-Look out

I told my wife, "How come when we kiss your eyes are always open?" She told me she's on the look out for her boyfriend.

Children jokes-Greatest Dad

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank."
The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!"
The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

Humor jokes-Drunk in baptismal service

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Blonde jokes-Refill

Q: Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
A: He couldn’t figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

Short adult jokes-Yours or mine

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Really funny jokes-Psalm 129

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Funny pictures-Refunds

Funny statements-Reciprocity

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

Office humor jokes-Preferential treatment

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Short jokes-Cross

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Adult humor jokes-Legal procedures

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You`ll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we`ve copied your country`s legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn`t help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don`t know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about `an excited titter` running through the gallery."

Funny statements-Topless

I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

Animal jokes-Mugged by snails

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied

“I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Really funny jokes-Traffic camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Men! And they say blondes are dumb.

Short adult jokes-Humor

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Short funny jokes-Underground furniture

In a continuing conversation a girl was asked where her mother worked at?
For a daughter of a woman working at the Funeral Home she was hesitant to answer and finally she said,
"My mother sells Underground Furniture."

Office humor jokes-Jack or Jill

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Children jokes-Stampede

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

Celebrity humor-Palin

Although voters may be gushing over the VP hopeful in some republican quarters around the country- in this neck of the woods – Palin’s pretty much a party joke.

Meanwhile, husband Tom is viewed somewhat tepidly.

Yeah, I know hubby’s name is actually Todd.

In a post yesterday, I referred to him as Tom to subtly infer just how inconsequential he is, but the joke went over a few people’s heads.

Voters just can’t seem to remember what’s-his-name.

Or, maybe they just can’t be bothered making the effort?

However, Mr. Sarah did rankle a few jangled nerves, when it was learned that he often clicked open confidential e-mails meant for the salacious eyes of the Gov only.

Just stick to the Iron Man competition Tom – uh – Todd!

Or, whatever the strength endurance test is called in the great white north.

Most importantly, though, keep your hand out of the Government cookie jar.

Only one freeloader per household, got it?

Funny toons-Alien perverts

Funny statements-May

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Really funny stuff-The way the Brain works

John was waiting for his love....

"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought John .....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!", thought John

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"

"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ..brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise ...

"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....