Office humor jokes-Politically Correct

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:
*No f*cking way - I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
*You’re f*cking kidding - Really?
*Who the f*ck are you - Hi, we haven’t met..
*Tell someone who gives a f*ck - Have you run that by..
*No c*nt told me - I wasn’t involved in that project
*You don’t know sh*t - You seem perplexed
*What the f*ck do you want? - Hello, may I help you?
*She’s a ball-busting b*tch - She’s assertive
*This place is f*cked - We’re a bit disorganized today
*Stick it up your arse - No thanks
*You’re a fu*king wanka - You are my supervisor and I respect you
*You fat fu*king loser - Gee, that was unfortunate
*I don’t give a sh*t - I’ll certainly think it over

Naughty jokes-What a man hears

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
Don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
Blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
Blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
Blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Quality jokes-Psychology teacher

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sit in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered. "A football coach?"

Flying humor jokes-Delay

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Short adult jokes-Sex defined

Sex: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Celebrity jokes-Hand that robs

Q. What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A. "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

Funny hilarious jokes-Perfect day for Man and Woman

Perfect Day for a Woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lb lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor café.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked super model.
7:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip steak.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Fall asleep, laughing.

Humor pictures-Laid out

Funny statements-Every lady hopes

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !

Practical jokes-Things to do at the movies

1. Throw popcorn around and yell, "It's snowing!!"

2. Laugh when the good guy dies

3. Start a conversation on your cell phone right when the movie starts

4. Point to the beginning credits and say, "That guy dies."

5. Order pizza halfway through the movie

6. Sit between couples

7. Nonchalantly eat popcorn from other people's containers

8. Announce loudly to everyone in the theater that you are going to the bathroom

9. Bring in your own food such as soup and SLURP loudly.

10. Wear tall hats to block other people's view

11. Walk in as if you are a big shot while wearing the most outrageous outfit; spandex should do the trick.

Good jokes-Do something nice for Dad

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Humor jokes-New deo

I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

Really funny jokes-Boccelli leather shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement..

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, /but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanks God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Short adult jokes-Shooting the lover

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Practical jokes-White

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Most poplular jokes-Old lady and doctor

A 75 year old lady says to her husband Sam, "You know vat, I tink I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Ya, 'tis a goot idea dahling."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years. Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says, "99."
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor.
He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99."
She says, "99."
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also. "We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99."
She says, "vun, two, three.........."

Ultimate jokes-Got to find my wife!

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

Good jokes-Closet door

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

Children jokes-Family resemblance

My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad but I have light hair."

Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born, anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in: "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

Short adult jokes-Suspect

Mary: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.
Jill: What makes you think so?
Mary: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
Jill: So?
Mary: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

Sarcastic jokes-Scrote

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an a**hole."

Blonde jokes-In the back seat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you."

Funny toons-Update

Funny statements-3 Blondes

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Really funny jokes-Paddy And Paddy

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home,

Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig haschewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will a van ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got twofookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy.

"I'lltell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,

"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

Short adult jokes-Three nots

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three nots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Really good stuff-Cooling down or heating up

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A!

Little Johnny jokes-Pulling teacher's dress

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Nasty limericks-Man from Ghent

There was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went

Animal jokes-Cow crossing road

Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the mooooovies!

Celebrity humor-Robin Williams

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

Children jokes-Political correctness

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR KIDS

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive. "

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information. "

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness. "

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. "

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Good jokes-The ride

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

Short adult jokes-Caught masturbating

A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."

Humor jokes-Good news from Psychiatrist

"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer."

"How wonderful, doctor," said the patient. "I'm so very pleased, I wish there were something special I could do for you in return."

"Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's all that's expected."

"But really, doctor, I'm so elated I could kiss you!"

"No, don't do that. Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here on the couch together."

Really funny jokes-Scream from the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes Later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender runs into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'you idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

Funny statements-Difference between psychotic and neurotic

The difference between a psychotic and a neurotic:
the psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5,
and the neurotic knows that 2 + 2 = 4 . . .
but it really bothers him.

Limericks-Woman called Kate

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.

Funny toons-Movers and shakers

Doctor jokes-Trust Me, I'm The Doctor

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.
After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.
"Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.
"Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor.
When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor.
"What?" says the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.
"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,"
says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"This again?" yells the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over.
SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man.
"Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor.
As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says,
"Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer."
As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor.
The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer.
"Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens.
Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"
And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

Good jokes-Research on Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Short adult jokes-Pay more

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Children jokes-Dirty Leroy

Dirty Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess.

He goes up to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

Office jokes-Bizarre question

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer. HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Funny statements-No respect

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Practical jokes-Schedule

A woman said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Short adult jokes-Queer

"Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?"
"Shut up and unhook my bra."

Animal jokes-Monkey and the Dolphin

One day long ago, some sailors set out to sea in their sailing ship. One of them brought his pet monkey along for the long journey.

When they were far out at sea, a terrible storm overturned their ship. Everyone fell into the sea, and the monkey was sure that he would drown. Suddenly a dolphin appeared and picked him up.
They soon reached the island and the monkey came down from the dolphin's back. The dolphin asked the monkey, "Do you know this place?"

The monkey replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, the king of the island is my best friend. Do you know that I am actually a prince?"
Knowing that no one lived on the island, the dolphin said, "Well, well, so you are a prince! Now you can be a king!"
The monkey asked, "How can I be a king?"
As the dolphin started swimming away, he answered, "That is easy.. As you are the only creature on this island, you will naturally be the king!"

Funny statements-After marriage

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Really good stuff-Ten annoying phrases that serve no purpose

10 Annoying Phrases That Serve No Purpose

These phrases are as unnecessary as they are insufferable. Not only do statements like “no offense” and “whatever” grate on the ear, they don’t transmit any kind of information, which last we checked was the basic purpose of language.

10. It is what it is
This newcomer is the epitome of an ear-grating phrase that means nothing.

9. It’s all good
The inclusion of “all” only accentuates how much you don’t mean what you are saying.

8. To be honest
Not only is this phrase usually followed by something best left unsaid, but it also implies everything else you say is dishonest.

7. No offense
A phrase even more insincere than it is superfluous.

6. Whatever
In a recent survey, 47 percent of Americans chose this word compound as the most annoying phrase of all. Meaning you have permission to smack anyone who uses it and isn’t a 12-year-old girl. (And it’s a close call on smacking any 12-year-old girl who uses the “w” word.)

5. Don’t get me wrong
Isn’t it implicit in most human communication that your intention is always to be correctly understood?

4. With all due respect
Really?

3. Everything happens for a reason
A completely worthless utterance that probably doubles as a vicious taunt to those who have undergone terrible hardships.

2. At the end of the day
At the end of the day, you will be preparing for bed.

1. Going forward
Saying this is like announcing your next footstep.

Short funny jokes-Mixed emotions

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Humor jokes-Grandpa in hospital

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Funny toons-Affair with Tiger Woods

Really funny jokes-Janitor in the Confessional

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Children jokes-Baptizing

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him ...in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.

Short adult jokes-Really ugly

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Sarcastic jokes-"Double Dipping" Darwin Award Runner-Up 2009

3 June 2009, North Carolina | Greensboro was innundated with four inches of rain in two hours, stranding several cars on flooded roads. Rosanne T., 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she "possibly had a beer," according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to say, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."

North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped. Ms. T. had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.

The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Rosanne's path home. But she rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.

He then interviewed the woman, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. When the officer returned to his patrol car to call for assistance,
Rosanne took the opportunity to escape--by jumping back into the creek!

The officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late.

The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped.
"She loved that thing."

Good jokes-Garden of Hedon

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

Blonde jokes-Pregnancy blues

A blonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination. "
"Don't you mean 'examination, '" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the blonde replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity... . What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Funny statements-Control

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

Classic jokes-

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Short adult jokes-Wish I could do that

My dog was just sitting in the middle of the lounge, licking his wanger, I couldn't believe it, I said to my wife, "I wish I could do that."
And she said, "Well he's pretty placid, if you give him a biscuit he'll probably let you!"

Humor jokes-Gofler's brew

A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.

The witch was stirring a pot of golfer's brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.

A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.

The witch remembers him and asks, "How's your golf game?" He responds, "Fantastic!" Then she says, "How's your sex life?" He responds, "Not bad..."

The witch says "Not Bad? What do you mean not bad??" The man says "Twice last year." The witch says "Most people think twice in a year is terrible."

The man answers "Well it's not bad for a priest in a small parrish."