Good jokes-Paddy and Murphy

Paddy and Murphy were in a pub on St. Patrick's day, getting really plastered and talking bar talk.
Paddy looks meditatively at the ice cubes floating in his whiskey & tonic and says, "You know, lions have sex 10 or 15 times every night."
Murphy slams his fist on the bar in disgust. "Is that right? Damn, and I just joined the Elks."

Really funny stuff-Condom in the Big Mac

Top Ten McDonalds Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac

In case you didn't hear, someone bit into a burger at McDonald's, and there was a condom -- unused, but unwrapped in it.

"Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac"
(As presented on the Aug. 22, 1997 broadcast of LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.)

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan."

9. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference?

8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe."

7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal."

4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

2. Drive-through speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device."
...and the #1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac.....

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

Celebrity humor-A new proverb for Tiger Woods

A NEW PROVERB

A Lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."

Humor jokes-SUV

Two old guys were chatting.... .

One said to the other:

"The wife gave me an SUV for birthday".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!...... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Short adult jokes-Worst thing about growing unemployment

Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A. It gets harder to screw your girlfriend with her husband home.

Good jokes-Sheltered smoking

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Practical jokes-Getting even steven

Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.

They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters.
Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's willy and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very ticked off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"

...and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Funny statements-Different ways to propose

* Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

* Are your legs tired?
Girl: Why?
Because you have been running through my mind all day!

* Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc.
She would say,"What are doing"
Respond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

Short hilarious jokes-Hereditary disease

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

Blonde jokes-Whole finger

Judy, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judy. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when it crashed down and cut off a finger!"
"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one just next to it!"

Sarcastic joke-Cost of material

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Really funny jokes-How Yodeling Was Started...

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,!and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO

Short adult jokes-Rub their eyes

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Good jokes-Two Scottish brothers

Two brothers, both Scots, named Jock and Sandy, go into business together. At the end of the first year they try to balance their account books, but were $9.50 short. They tried again and again, but no matter which way they tried to do it, they always came out $9.50 short.
"Tell me the truth, Sandy," asked Jock, "Are you keeping a woman on the side?"

Little Johnny jokes-Feeding the baby

Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Goodness me!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

Celebrity humor-MJ joke

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Animal joke-Dog problem

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to screw her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

Humor joke-Offer

Did you hear about the man who was half-Polish and half-Jewish?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

Funny statements-Child psychiarist

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Short adult joke-6.9

Question. Do you know what 6.9 is?

Answer. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Really funny joke-Fulfilling promises

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

Good joke-Women and Men chatting

Two women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light f*cking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Blonde jokes-Daycare business

A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.

She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"

The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."

The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.

The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."

The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"

The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."

Puerto Rican joke-To Bury

Q: How many people does it take to bury a Puerto Rican?
A: Five. One to lower the Puerto Rican, and four to lower the radio.

Most popular jokes-Women and men

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Children jokes-Mother of Jesus

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

Funny pictures-A short marriage

Michael Jackson joke-K Mart

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boy's pants were half off.

Humor-Irish joke

A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes".
The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue: All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is Irish".
"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y".

Funny statemments-To the zoo

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

Best funny jokes-Proof reading is a dying art

Proof reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Short adult jokes-Extra large condoms-

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Humor joke-You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline if

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once.
"No movie. Don't need one.Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Doctor joke-Discharge

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

Good jokes-Jamie Scott

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

Sarcastic jokes-Faithful!

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

Funny statements-Shades

Last night my wife told me, people can look in our bathroom, she's gonna buy shades. I told her, "Let 'em look. They'll buy the shades."

Adult jokes-With the goat

The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes b*tching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices Little Johnny f*cking a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!"

"Son of a b*tch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.

Blonde jokes-Dog in heat

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Really funny jokes-How long?

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered,
"The rest of your life."

Quality jokes-White spot

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Funny toons-Happy meal!

Short adult jokes-Good blowjobs

Q: How do you know who gives good blowjobs?
A: Word of mouth.

Office humor jokes-Math test

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when do I start?!"

Funny statements-Sweater

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Little Johnny jokes-Making babies

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will f*ck ANYTHING!"

Good jokes-Roses for my wife

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary? "

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Celebrity humor-Bedtime at the Jackson residence

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Good jokes-Unusual request

The sexy little housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he would just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished the repair she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk
about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, he was so turned on, "Yes yes!" he stammered anxiously.

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." she continued hesitantly.

"Yes. yes !" he nodded affirmatively, tongue tied with desire.

When she asked, "Would you help me move the refrigerator? "

Children jokes-Long prayer

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter and other special occasions, when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked for a very brief blessing on the food.

With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

Short adult jokes-Anal sex

The bloke asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.

The economy is so bad that

The economy is so bad that...

* I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

* I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

* CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

* If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

* Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

* McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

* A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

* Motel Six can’t afford to leave the light on anymore.

* The Mafia is laying off judges.

* Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in India, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck to Pakistan.

Really funny jokes-The president is dead

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.
They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Blonde jokes-Let's play a game

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me," replied the blonde.

"What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored.

"I'll be behind the piano," she said.

Life-What does it mean to be adopted?

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Short adult jokes-When there is fire

Q: What happens when a whore's house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

Funny statements-Laryngitis

I just realized that I've been married over 25 years and my wife has never had laryngitis. What a rip-off.

Funny toons-Was that today?

Practical jokes-Testimonials

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Humor jokes-The Power Of Sh*t

The Power Of Sh*t

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be sh*tfaced,
be sh*t out of luck,
or have sh*t for brains.

With a little effort you can get your sh*t together,
find a place for your sh*t
or decide to sh*t or get off the pot.

You can smoke sh*it,
buy sh*t,
sell sh*t,
lose sh*t,
find sh*t,
forget sh*t,
and tell others to eat sh*t and die.

You can sh*t or go blind,
have a sh*t fit
or just sh*t your life away.

People can be sh*t headed,
sh*t brained,
sh*t blinded,
and sh*t over.

Some people know their sh*t
while others can't tell the difference between sh*t and shinola.

There are lucky sh*ts,
dumb sh*its,
crazy sh*ts,
and sweet sh*its.

There is bull sh*t,
horse sh*t
and chicken sh*t.

You can throw sh*t,
sling sh*t,
catch sh*t,
or duck when the sh*t hits the fan.

You can take a sh*t,
give a sh*it,
or serve sh*t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep sh*t,
or be happier than a pig in sh*t.

Some days are colder than sh*t,
some days are hotter than sh*t,
and some days are just plain sh*tty.

Some music sounds like sh*t,
things can look like sh*t,
and there are times when you feel like sh*it.

You can have too much sh*t,
not enough sh*t,
the right sh*t,
the wrong sh*t
or a lot of weird sh*t.

You can carry sh*t,
have a mountain of sh*t,
or find yourself up sh*t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this sh*t
and sometimes you don't want any sh*t at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh*t
and other times you swim in a lake of sh*t and come out
smelling like a rose.

Sh*it!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your sh*it, you don't need to know anything else.

Good jokes-Tiger woods

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jeysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"

c

Sarcastic jokes-Emergency landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

Short adult jokes-Fumbling

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

Funny statements-Equal to Men

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Blonde jokes-Nursing

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"