A man went to buy organic vegetables from the market, because his wife had asked him to. Not finding any, he grabbed a tired looking employee at the store and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Organic vegetables
Really funny jokes-Lumberjack
An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance, he saw an advertisement in a shop window for chain-saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day".
So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on.
"Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?"
So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on.
"Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?"
Monday, August 30, 2010
Short adult jokes-How many perverts
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Hilarious jokes-Chief Bowels
There was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as the doctor's office. The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move."
So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief. The next day the messenger is back and says , "Bowels still not move."
So the doctor gives him a stronger pill. The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back
"Bowels STILL no move."
So the doctor gives him the strongest pills
he has. The next day, the messenger comes back and says,
"Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of s--t."
So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief. The next day the messenger is back and says , "Bowels still not move."
So the doctor gives him a stronger pill. The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back
"Bowels STILL no move."
So the doctor gives him the strongest pills
he has. The next day, the messenger comes back and says,
"Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of s--t."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Funny statements-Labor
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Limericks-Woman named Nancy
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
Animal jokes-Discussion about new restaurant.
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Friday, August 27, 2010
Adult humor jokes-Looking back
A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard on her head.
"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"
The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"
"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"
The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"
Good jokes-S&M magazine
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Doctor jokes-Cure for AIDS
Poof goes to see a doctor: "Doctor, doctor, I've got AIDS! Can you do anything for me?".
Doctor says: "Certainly," gets out his prescription pad and starts writing, "Here's a prescription for some castor oil and heavy-duty liquid laxatives; take half a litre of each, every morning for the next two weeks".
Poof asks: "Will this cure me of AIDS?".
Doctor: "No, but after this, you'll know what your arse was designed for".
Doctor says: "Certainly," gets out his prescription pad and starts writing, "Here's a prescription for some castor oil and heavy-duty liquid laxatives; take half a litre of each, every morning for the next two weeks".
Poof asks: "Will this cure me of AIDS?".
Doctor: "No, but after this, you'll know what your arse was designed for".
Children jokes-Going to Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Really funny jokes-Huge highlander
One misty Scottish morning, a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion … heart stopping. The car driver’s attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
“Right, you” he shouts, “I want you to masturbate”
“but … ” stammers the driver
“Now … or I’ll bloody kill you”
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
“Right” shouts the highlander “Do it again!”
“but … ” says the driver.
“Now!! … ” he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
“Right, do it again” demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
“Do it again” says the highlander.
“I just can’t do it any more – you’ll just have to kill me,” whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
“All right,” he says, “can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?”
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion … heart stopping. The car driver’s attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
“Right, you” he shouts, “I want you to masturbate”
“but … ” stammers the driver
“Now … or I’ll bloody kill you”
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
“Right” shouts the highlander “Do it again!”
“but … ” says the driver.
“Now!! … ” he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
“Right, do it again” demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
“Do it again” says the highlander.
“I just can’t do it any more – you’ll just have to kill me,” whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
“All right,” he says, “can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?”
Funny statements-Platypus
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Sarcastic jokes-Brains
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Good jokes-Gift certificate
On his 54th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Blonde jokes-Bellybutton
Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Short adult jokes-Sex in the morning
Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
-Because you've got all day to find something better!
Hilarious jokes-Car break down
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Redneck jokes-Volunteer Fire department
You might be in a "Redneck" volunteer Fire department if
Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing ... on the way to a fire.
Your firehouse has wheels.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire, swapping fish stories and drinking.
You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their property.
You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire truck.
Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.
Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than it's been *to* a fire.
Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing ... on the way to a fire.
Your firehouse has wheels.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire, swapping fish stories and drinking.
You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their property.
You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire truck.
Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.
Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than it's been *to* a fire.
Adult humor jokes-Bunch of flowers
On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says, "Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says, "Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
Friday, August 20, 2010
Good jokes-Universal Health Care Program
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister the other day, I think we have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution.
When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home- only free.
And, since you would be a prisoner, you wouldn't have to pay any income tax.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution.
When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home- only free.
And, since you would be a prisoner, you wouldn't have to pay any income tax.
Children jokes-Old leaf
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Little Johnny jokes-Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they had found, Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said Little Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Danged if I know," said Little Johnny, "but this morning, my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
When the time came to present what they had found, Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said Little Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Danged if I know," said Little Johnny, "but this morning, my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Practical jokes-Insulting lines
1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Funny statements-Automated society
What an automated society we live in: Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
Really funny jokes-The sneeze
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium.. . With their rich maroon gowns flowing ... and the traditional caps, they looked almost ... as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements-not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine..... until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened....
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!
The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU'
And he walked off stage....
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements-not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine..... until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened....
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!
The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU'
And he walked off stage....
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Short adult jokes-Wife in bed
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't sh*t on the bedroom floor!
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't sh*t on the bedroom floor!
Life -I want to be a TV
A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
Monday, August 16, 2010
Good jokes-Jump out of the window
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it's raining.'
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it's raining.'
Blonde jokes-What size?
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Funny hilarious jokes-Please hire me
Do you know of anyone hiring? Rosalie is in search of a job, can ya help a sista out or give her suggestions on her resume.
Thanks
_________ PLEAS
Resume of: Rosalie Anastasia Shanekia "Pookie" Eucalyptus Jones
ADDRESS: 2036 South Side Skreet, Compton, CA 11122
PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th
OBJECTIVE: To one day fulfill my dream of being a Soul Train dancer and you know just gitting my life togetha and stuff.
I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist you know what I mean (Beauty Speciacalist) there is in my hood.
SKILLS: I do hurh (hair) and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture or color: synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown, dark brown, dark black, gold blonde, dark gold blonde, red, maroon, blue and rainbo colors.
EDUCATION:
***THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, INC. BIG MAMA'S
***HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N' STUFF (graduated with honors for the most extensions done in a year's time).
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall & Bait N' Tackle Shop (January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998) Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept hitting on me.
My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair (Nov. 2, 1998 - Nov. 10, 1998) Reason for Leaving: They tried to work a sistuh to death and I got thangs ta do!
The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium (Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1, 1998) I loveded this job cause they gaveded me a free tooth every month and now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cause I let one of my homeboys sniff that laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do drugs no mo.
Kim Fung Toi's House of Rice & Skrimp & Stuff (you don't even wanna know).
Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube (Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7, 1998) Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury when I slipped on an overflow over activator).
The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely accommodations; yes, I worked there and was a patient too) Reason for Leaving: Center closed down cause Tina Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside hurself since she a big star.
He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.
References: Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet) Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's sister's brother-in-law half-brother)
The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin Ineedadrank O'Grady (Pastor of The Greater Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc. (a not-for-profit agency).
Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none of yo' business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at something nother."
Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central
Thanks
_________ PLEAS
Resume of: Rosalie Anastasia Shanekia "Pookie" Eucalyptus Jones
ADDRESS: 2036 South Side Skreet, Compton, CA 11122
PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th
OBJECTIVE: To one day fulfill my dream of being a Soul Train dancer and you know just gitting my life togetha and stuff.
I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist you know what I mean (Beauty Speciacalist) there is in my hood.
SKILLS: I do hurh (hair) and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture or color: synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown, dark brown, dark black, gold blonde, dark gold blonde, red, maroon, blue and rainbo colors.
EDUCATION:
***THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, INC. BIG MAMA'S
***HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N' STUFF (graduated with honors for the most extensions done in a year's time).
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall & Bait N' Tackle Shop (January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998) Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept hitting on me.
My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair (Nov. 2, 1998 - Nov. 10, 1998) Reason for Leaving: They tried to work a sistuh to death and I got thangs ta do!
The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium (Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1, 1998) I loveded this job cause they gaveded me a free tooth every month and now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cause I let one of my homeboys sniff that laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do drugs no mo.
Kim Fung Toi's House of Rice & Skrimp & Stuff (you don't even wanna know).
Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube (Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7, 1998) Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury when I slipped on an overflow over activator).
The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely accommodations; yes, I worked there and was a patient too) Reason for Leaving: Center closed down cause Tina Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside hurself since she a big star.
He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.
References: Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet) Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's sister's brother-in-law half-brother)
The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin Ineedadrank O'Grady (Pastor of The Greater Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc. (a not-for-profit agency).
Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none of yo' business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at something nother."
Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Stranger
A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our story teller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod"
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our story teller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod"
Funny statements-Inventor
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Nasty Limericks-Night was gone
The night was almost gone,
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
Really funny stuff-African smiles
Here are some signs that you won't find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.
In a restaurant in Zambia :"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the grounds of a private school in South Africa :"No trespassing without permission."
On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"
On a poster in Ghana : "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."
In a hotel in Mozambique :"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00 am daily."
On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."
In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet:"Risk of electric shock-Do not activate with wet hands."
In a Botswana jewelery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."
On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."
In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania : "No children allowed!"
In a cemetery in Uganda :"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their graves."
In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."
A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."
In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."
In a photo studio in Chitungwiza( Zimbabwe ): "Photos taken while you wait"
In a restaurant in Zambia :"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the grounds of a private school in South Africa :"No trespassing without permission."
On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"
On a poster in Ghana : "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."
In a hotel in Mozambique :"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00 am daily."
On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."
In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet:"Risk of electric shock-Do not activate with wet hands."
In a Botswana jewelery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."
On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."
In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania : "No children allowed!"
In a cemetery in Uganda :"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their graves."
In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."
A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."
In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."
In a photo studio in Chitungwiza( Zimbabwe ): "Photos taken while you wait"
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Practical jokes-Rodeo position
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One says, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's when you get your girlfriend down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands."
"That's it?"
Nope, then you lean over and whisper in her ear, "Wow these feel just like your sister's", then try to hold on for eight seconds.
One says, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's when you get your girlfriend down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands."
"That's it?"
Nope, then you lean over and whisper in her ear, "Wow these feel just like your sister's", then try to hold on for eight seconds.
Children jokes-Sugar Brown's daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Naughty jokes-High birth rate
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and honks for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and honks for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”
Monday, August 09, 2010
Short adult jokes-
Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was stupid idiot?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was stupid idiot?"
Hilarious jokes-Selling ducks
There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.
He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me.
She considered it and said 'Ok'.
They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.
The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.
The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said 'I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and forty bucks for a f*cked up duck
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself beer.
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.
He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me.
She considered it and said 'Ok'.
They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.
The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.
The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.
When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said 'I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and forty bucks for a f*cked up duck
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Doctor jokes-Proctologist's Exam
A gay man went into the proctologist's office for his first internal exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the gay man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the gay man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the gay man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the gay man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"
Good jokes-You might be a farmer if
You might be a farmer if.......
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and peel apples.
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and peel apples.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
I know my Dad and his quick answer was:
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
Little Johny jokes-I want Grandma
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.
"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Children jokes-Climb the walls
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his Grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit" the little boy answered.
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit" the little boy answered.
Doctor jokes-Lost voice
Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Funny statements-Ice skating on the lake
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.
- Rodney Dangerfield
- Rodney Dangerfield
Good jokes-Open up
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.
The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
"So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?"
"Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me."
"How?" asks mom.
"Oh, stuff." says daughter.
"Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom.
"I don't know," answers the daughter.
"Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me," says mom.
"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"
The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
"So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?"
"Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me."
"How?" asks mom.
"Oh, stuff." says daughter.
"Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom.
"I don't know," answers the daughter.
"Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me," says mom.
"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Practical jokes-Things Prison Guards hate!
Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.
Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
Coming up with two too many after a head count.
Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.
Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.
Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.
Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.
Blonde jokes-Car salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a*s."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a*s this month, I'm going to lose my car."
One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a*s."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a*s this month, I'm going to lose my car."
Monday, August 02, 2010
Short hilarious jokes-Programmers
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Adult joke-Thirty left
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
Sunday, August 01, 2010
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