A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's pen**es in your mouth?"The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Short adult jokes-Bumper sticker
Q. What did the lesbian bumper sticker say?
A. "Save a tree. Eat a beaver."
Animal jokes-Dog for protection
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Good jokes-Shortest runway
An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.
"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...
"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...
Practical jokes-Note under wiper
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Funny statements-Skating on Ice
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Adult humor jokes-Surprised guy
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store".
He hasn't been "getting any" from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.
He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the bl*wjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.
After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!".
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
He hasn't been "getting any" from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.
He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the bl*wjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.
After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!".
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Monday, September 27, 2010
Practical jokes-Cannot eat your own
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Sarcastic jokes-Eminent doctor
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:
"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:
"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Practical jokes-Fancy watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
Friday, September 24, 2010
Short adult jokes-Feeling herself
A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?"
The friend said,
"Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately. But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."
Best funny jokes-Cheating
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Really funny jokes-Clever people
Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing.
Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.
Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people."
"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"
Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.
Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people."
"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Funny statements-Constipation and Diarrhea
Constipation is the thief of time;
diarrhea waits for no man.
diarrhea waits for no man.
Hilarious jokes-Leprechaun nuns
It is early Saturday morning, and Mother Superior of Saint Mary Margaret Convent in County Clare hears a knocking at the door. She opens it, looks around and there is no one there. She is about to shut the door when a tiny voice says, "Down here, Mother Superior".
She looks down and there are two of the little people in their bright kelly green outfits, red beards and little hats with a clover in each. One is really drunk out of his skull and the other is not much better off. He tips his hat and says, "Top o'the mornin to ye, Mother Superior. Me guid friend Liam here would like to be knowin' if ye have any leprechaun nuns in the convent"?
"No, we don't have any little people in our convent", she replies.
Liam grunts a few words in Pat's ear, to which he then says to Mother Superior, "Well, are there any leprechaun nuns in the local parish"?
Again she replies, "No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish". Liam again grunts something in Pat's ear. "Well, can ye be tellin' me, Mother Superior, does the Cathlic Church have any leprechaun nuns at all?"
"No", she replies. "The church doesn't accept little people into any religious order".
Pat turns to Liam and says, "D'ye see now Liam? That was a penguin ye f*cked in the bar last night".
She looks down and there are two of the little people in their bright kelly green outfits, red beards and little hats with a clover in each. One is really drunk out of his skull and the other is not much better off. He tips his hat and says, "Top o'the mornin to ye, Mother Superior. Me guid friend Liam here would like to be knowin' if ye have any leprechaun nuns in the convent"?
"No, we don't have any little people in our convent", she replies.
Liam grunts a few words in Pat's ear, to which he then says to Mother Superior, "Well, are there any leprechaun nuns in the local parish"?
Again she replies, "No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish". Liam again grunts something in Pat's ear. "Well, can ye be tellin' me, Mother Superior, does the Cathlic Church have any leprechaun nuns at all?"
"No", she replies. "The church doesn't accept little people into any religious order".
Pat turns to Liam and says, "D'ye see now Liam? That was a penguin ye f*cked in the bar last night".
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Worst
A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said," You must be the worst caddy in the world."
"That would be too much of a coincidence, sir," answered the caddy in a quiet voice.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Good jokes-Training in the Army
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Funny jokes-Muscular man with little head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in then woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!" the bartender urged.
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"
.....POOF!!!
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in then woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!" the bartender urged.
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"
.....POOF!!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Doctor jokes-New drug in the market
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is having a hard time achieving an orgasm so the doctor gives him VIAGRA. Then he gives him a new drug that just came on the market.
The patient says isn't the VIAGRA enough?
And the doctor says the VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!!
The patient says isn't the VIAGRA enough?
And the doctor says the VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Funny jokes-Massive hangover
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks to himself,"Uh oh. What happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wildparty," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."
He thinks to himself,"Uh oh. What happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wildparty," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Nasty jokes-Discussing Husbands
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
Short adult jokes-Active
Why is sex like software?
~ For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
~ The penis.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Funny hilarious jokes-Revolutionary new injection
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
Blonde jokes-Blew the car
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
Good jokes-Dinner table discussion
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The surprised father, answers,
"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter; so the daughter says,
"Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only !!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Doctor jokes-Psychiatrist
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!”
Funny statements-Never take candy
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Office humor jokes-Young lady's predicament
ONE OF THOSE MOMENT
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament.
I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.
She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.
I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.
After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?" I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause.
I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament.
I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.
She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.
I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.
After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?" I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause.
I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."
Monday, September 13, 2010
Celebrity humor-Book report
Book report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica…..Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Funny jokes-Worried driver
A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in Orlando East one night.
The driver keeps staring at the rear view mirror and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady....!!!! I'm just wondering where you are keeping the money to pay me"!
The driver keeps staring at the rear view mirror and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady....!!!! I'm just wondering where you are keeping the money to pay me"!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Short adult jokes-Terrible secret
A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."
The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."
Really funny jokes-Chapped lips
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the rear.
The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the rear. Can I ask why?"
The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips."
"Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"
"No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."
The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the rear. Can I ask why?"
The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips."
"Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"
"No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."
Friday, September 10, 2010
Good jokes-Happy to be getting married
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best bl*w job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last bl*w job of my entire life."
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best bl*w job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last bl*w job of my entire life."
Limericks-Lady of Michigan
There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-b*tch again."
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Hilarious jokes-What's Grandpa like?
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall....
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big b**bs."
Practical jokes-Obscene phone caller
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit interested."
"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit interested."
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Blonde jokes-Conversion to dollars
An American blonde went to travel South America, returned home and went to her Bank to deposit a huge foreign currency amount she brought for conversion to dollars.
So teller received a big bag full foreign currency from her, counted, converted and gave her a total of $24.98.
The woman goes surprised, started gasping and questioned teller are you sure? Please recheck your computer for error, you mean that's all I get for a suit-case full of money for which I paid airline $25.00 luggage fee.
The teller and manager of the bank confirmed transaction amount.
"Good Lord and for all the money he was giving me I gave that b*stard free massage too"
So teller received a big bag full foreign currency from her, counted, converted and gave her a total of $24.98.
The woman goes surprised, started gasping and questioned teller are you sure? Please recheck your computer for error, you mean that's all I get for a suit-case full of money for which I paid airline $25.00 luggage fee.
The teller and manager of the bank confirmed transaction amount.
"Good Lord and for all the money he was giving me I gave that b*stard free massage too"
Short adult jokes-Like a Man
Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Marriage counselor
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks c*cks."
Funny jokes-Missed it!
A man walked into a Super store and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Airline check in
At the airline check in at London Heathrow, a guy has three bags. He puts them down and says to the young lady, 'I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.'
Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'
'Why not?' demands Guy, 'you did the last time I flew with you.'
Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'
'Why not?' demands Guy, 'you did the last time I flew with you.'
Good jokes-Never done before
John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me screwing your brains out?"
"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Celebrity humor-Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment
As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence.
1. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate
My girlfriend say my dic tate good.
3. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb.
4. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.
5. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my b*tch rectum both.
6. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,"Bullsh*t, that watch i srael".
9. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall.
11. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."
12. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
14. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and in come my wife.
1. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate
My girlfriend say my dic tate good.
3. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb.
4. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.
5. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my b*tch rectum both.
6. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,"Bullsh*t, that watch i srael".
9. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall.
11. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."
12. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
14. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and in come my wife.
Hilarious jokes-The ironong board
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board.
She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing.
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open."
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing.
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open."
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Funny statements-Support pantyhose
Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose.
"Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, I blow my slippers off!"
"Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, I blow my slippers off!"
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Funny jokes-Gay flight attendant
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."
Blonde jokes-old western
A blonde and her Husband are laying in bed watching TV, they are watching an old western. The Husband says to the blonde "I bet you breakfast in bed, that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out dead,"
"You are on." Says the blonde.
They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead.
The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food. After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
The Blonde smiles. " I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the blonde was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice."
"You are on." Says the blonde.
They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead.
The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food. After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
The Blonde smiles. " I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the blonde was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice."
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Political jokes-Labor supporters
I asked my friend's little daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless chap who hangs out in front of the store. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work himself and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless chap who hangs out in front of the store. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work himself and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Good jokes-Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
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