Funny toons-The anouncement

Doctor jokes-Routine physical

When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."

"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."

"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"

"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"

"You Bet!" answered Dan.

"The one with the body that won't quit?"

"Right.."

"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"

Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"

Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"

Animal jokes-Mother and baby camel

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why are we in the Lahore Zoo?"

Humor jokes-Dress professionally

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work.

"Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there."

When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit.

"Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

Sarcastic jokes-Physics

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Funny jokes-Ransom

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late."

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

Short adult jokes-Stutters

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters.

Office jokes-Business Name

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"

Life-Crabby old woman

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.

And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?

What do you see?

What are you thinking,

When you're looking at me?


A crabby old woman,

Not very wise,

Uncertain of habit,

With faraway eyes..


Who dribbles her food,

And makes no reply,

When you say in a loud voice,

'I do wish you'd try!'


Who seems not to notice,

The things that you do,

And forever is losing,

A stocking or shoe


Who, resisting or not

Lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding,

The long day to fill?


Is that what you're thinking?

Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse,

You're not looking at me.


I'll tell you who I am,

As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding,

As I eat at your will.


I'm a small child of ten,

With a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters,

Who love one another.


A young girl of sixteen,

With wings on her f eet,

Dreaming that soon now,

A lover she'll meet.


A bride soon at twenty,

My heart gives a leap,

As I make the vows

That I promised to keep.


At twenty-five now,

I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide,

And a secure happy home.


A woman of thirty,

My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other,

With ties that should last.


At forty, my young sons,

Have grown and are gone,

But my man's beside me,

To see I don't mourn.


At fifty once more,

Babies play round my knee,

Again we know children,

My loved one and me.


Dark days are upon me,

My husband is dead,

I look at the future,

I shudder with dread.


For my young are all rearing

Young of their own,

And I think of the years,

And the love that I've known.


I'm now an old woman,

And nature is cruel,

'Tis jest to make old age,

Look like a fool.


The body, it crumbles,

Grace and vigour depart,

There is now a stone

Where I once had a heart...


But inside this old carcass,

A young girl still dwells,

And now and again,

My battered heart swells.


I remember the joys,

I remember the pain,

And I'm loving and living

Life over again.


I think of the years,

All too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact

That nothing can last.


So open your eyes, people,

Open and see,

Not a crabby old woman;

Look closer - see ME!!


Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

Funny statements-Theory and Practice

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.
Programmers combine Theory and Practice:
Nothing works and they don't know why.

Hilarious jokes-Rejection lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Good jokes-Blonde genies

A guy is walking around the beach when he discovers a bottle with a cork. He picks it up, opens the cork, and out come two blonde genies. The genies grant him three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:

"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

Funny toons-Two minutes late

Short adult jokes-Test tube baby

Question. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

Answer. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Ultimate jokes-Never work again

A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall.

He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."

"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

Really funny jokes-Duck shopping

A duck walks into a shop, and asks for a red lipstick.
The cashier says, "Cash or check?"
and the duck says,
"Just put it on my bill."

Sarcastic jokes-Toilet paper

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Practical jokes-Best Friends

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Funny statements-Egotists

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Hilarious jokes-Retirement blues

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How a quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"

Sarcastic jokes-Pest Control Company

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Short adult jokes-Bomb blast

What happens if a bomb bursts in a man's underwear?

Banana split.

Good jokes-Einstein's address

When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.
The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?.
Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there?"
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

Funny jokes-Volvo for Dummies

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by dummies for dummies called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge dummmi features:

-- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

-- Permanent press fenders.

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than they actually are.

Limericks-Tit for Tat

A Young Lady once begat
Triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
For there was no tit for Tat

Funny toons-Carrot for the nose

Life-Heart warming story

A heart-warming story just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An little old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my arse. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna

Adult jokes-Feminine deodorant spray

The Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the women, "Honey, I want to eat your p*ssy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don’t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband.
"Strawberry, cherry, banana ...."

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.

Good jokes-Money from a thief

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Sarcastic jokes-Do the dishes

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Hilarious jokes-Hair remover

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Quality jokes-Hospital sign

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."

Short adult jokes-Thank you

Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say?

A: Thank you for not coming.

Really good stuff-New drugs after Viagra

Newest drugs following the success of Viagra:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

Lawyer jokes-Experience

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted:
"Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Einstein joke-Lost ticket

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

Funny one line jokes-Reading

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Naughty jokes-Research

A professor has found after extensive research there are two sizes of penis amongst Englishmen.

There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches when erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

Could all English men with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

Funny toons-From chasing cars

Doctor jokes-The good news

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

Funny jokes-The Window Job

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 bucks" comes the reply.

"50 bucks?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty bucks or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty bucks, actually"

"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

Embarrassing jokes-Poison Control Center

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Short adult jokes-Real meaning

What's the real meaning of the word lesbian???

Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

Limericks-Growing up to do

There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22.

Life-Birth Story

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Funny statements-Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Most popular jokes-Perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed. "

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Good jokes-Bath night

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy fanny.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Short adult jokes-Ultimatum

Today my wife gave me an ultimatum: "Until I quite smoking, I wasn't going to get any sex".

"How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" queried my colleagues.

I replied: "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."

Funny jokes-Very pregnant

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

Blonde jokes-Normal sex life

A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Funny toons-Adjust

Funny statements-American Airlines

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Sarcastic jokes-Not enough

Mary: So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to taste it?"

Jill: Ohmigod! What did you do?

Mary: Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share."

Hilarious jokes-A Noise

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Really funny jokes-ATM card reader

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader.

Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done.

One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it.

I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."