Hilarious jokes-Screwed by an Elephant

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"

The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".

"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Short adult jokes-Ritz cracker

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker

Good jokes-Church Social

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.

"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

Animal jokes-Donkey and Owl

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an owl?

A smart ass that knows it all.

Funny toons-Men will never change!

Really funny jokes-When a man is allowed to cry

There are four occasions when a man is allowed to cry:
1. When the dog dies saving his master in a movie.
2. When Roseanne starts unbuttoning her blouse in a movie.
3. When you wreck your boss's car.
4. When your date uses her teeth.

Hilarious jokes-Coffee

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Thanksgiving humor-Family get together

Thanksgiving jokes-Things I can say this week

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

Adult jokes-Mexican

Q. What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy?

A. A dry Martinez!

Office jokes-Sense of humor

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

Good jokes-A rare Disease

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"

Practical jokes-Woman's arms

Confucius say, 'Man who sinks into woman's arms; Soon has his arms in woman's sink.'

Life-Shoes In Church

I showered and shaved...... ....... I adjusted my tie.

I got there and sat......... ..... In a pew just in time.

Bowing my head in prayer...... ... As I closed my eyes.

I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, 'Why must our soles touch?'

It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.

A prayer began: 'Our Father'..... ........ I thought, 'This** **man with the shoes, has no pride.

They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!'

'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.

The shoe man said........ ....... A quiet 'Amen.'

I tried to focus on the prayer...... . But my thoughts were on his shoes again.

Aren't we supposed to look our best. When walking through that door?

'Well, this certainly isn't it,' I thought, Glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended....... .... And the songs of praise began.

The shoe man was certainly loud..... Sounding proud as he sang..

His voice lifted the rafters..... ... His hands were raised high.

The Lord could surely hear. The shoe man's voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering.... .. And what I threw in was steep.

I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.

I saw what was pulled out......... ... What the shoe man put in.

Then I heard a soft 'clink' . As when silver hits tin.

The sermon really bored me......... To tears, and that's no lie.

It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service..... . As is the custom here.

We must greet new visitors, And show them all good cheer.

But I felt moved somehow..... ......... . And wanted to meet the shoe man.

So after the closing prayer...... ... I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.

But I thanked him for coming...... ... For being our guest.

He said, 'My names' Charlie..... ....... I'm glad to meet you, my friend.'

There were tears in his eyes........ But he had a large, wide grin.

'Let me explain,' he said........ .. Wiping tears from his eyes.

'I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.''

'I know that my appearance.. .......'Is not like all the rest.

'But I really do try......... ......'To always look my best.'

'I always clean and polish my shoes..'Before my very long walk.

'But by the time I get here........ .'They're dirty and dusty, like chalk.'

My heart filled with pain........ .. And I swallowed to hide my tears.

As he continued to apologize... ..... For daring to sit so near

He said, 'When I get here........ ...'I know I must look a sight.

'But I thought if I could touch you..'Then maybe our souls might unite.'

I was silent for a moment...... ..... Knowing whatever was said

Would pale in comparison.. . I spoke from my heart, not my head.

'Oh, you've touched me,' I said......'And taught me, in part;

'That the best of any man......... ...'Is what is found in his heart.'

The rest, I thought,.... ......... ..... This shoe man will never know.

Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.

Funny one-liners

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Best funny jokes-Most obedient

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

Adult jokes-Saddest part

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.

The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"

Hilarious jokes-The good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"

Funny statements-Finger lickin' good!

Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!
-Rodney Dangerfield

Redneck jokes-Kawasaki

Blonde jokes-Relatives

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Limericks-Young man from Cape Horn

There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!

Good jokes-Goals

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

Adult jokes-Poetry competition

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freaking freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says,
"Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine.

Funny jokes-Top 10 ways to know if you have PMS

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SH*T."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

One liner jokes-George Carlinisms

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a*s?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Short adult jokes-Female bartender

Q: How can you tell that a female bartender is really mad at you?

A: There's a white string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

Hilarious jokes-Tips to play Golf

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied,
"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"

Sarcastic jokes-In the future

Q: Why aren`t there any Puerto Ricans on Star trek?

A: Because they are not going to work in the future either.

Quality jokes-Authentic Skull

An American tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere £150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".

Animal jokes-Cross Porcupine and Giraffe

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a giraffe?

A really long tooth brush.

Funny statements-'Dear Abby' Letters

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything, and then said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. Now I've seen it, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.

Funny toons-Mr. Clown

Blonde jokes-What do you call?

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

Adult jokes-In love with Horse

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"

Short humor jokes-Where is husband

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.

Sarcastic jokes-Angry housewife

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

Doctor jokes-Store optometrist

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her.

But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"

Short adult jokes-Nervous patient

What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a circumcision done?

"It won't be long now....!!"

Funny statements-Conceivable

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Hilarious jokes-New shower

In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.

We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.

Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.

As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"

Practical jokes-Tossing keys

A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, “Oh no! Not again!”

Sarcastic jokes-Never up never in

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Really funny jokes-Nude beaches

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

Good jokes-Bar talk

Two friends are talking in a bar.

One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"

To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"

Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."

Funny toons-Hamburger

Short adult jokes-Gay milkman

What do you call a gay milkman?

Dairy queen.

Life-Personal airplane

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right into the water.

Animal jokes-Willie the Whale

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

Funny statements-Barbie's popularity

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

Most popular jokes-$20 Bills

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his arse was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys arse. He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)

Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1,980 stuck in your arse!"

And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!

Short adult jokes-Male menopause

Q: What is male menopause?

A: The change of wife.

Hilarious jokes-Vasectomy for Phil

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

Really funny stuff-Words not yet in the Dictionary

Words not yet in the Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

Naughty jokes-Diplomacy

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Funny statements-Layed off

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Short adult jokes-Dinosaurs

Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!