What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can?t hear you!
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Friday, December 31, 2010
Christmas jokes-Ear muffs
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me!"
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh*ttin me.'
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh*ttin me.'
Christmas jokes-Santa Claus
Q. What does Santa Claus do all year?
A. Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.
Q. Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A. Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesn't take stress too well).
Q. If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A. Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q. Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A. Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.
Q. So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?
A. You forgot about the bestiality thing.
A. Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.
Q. Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A. Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesn't take stress too well).
Q. If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A. Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q. Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A. Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.
Q. So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?
A. You forgot about the bestiality thing.
Good jokes-Still more Funny Signs
Still more Funny Signs
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Christmas jokes-Francis
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Doctor jokes-Sugar
Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people, to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Good jokes-Burial or Cremation
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" and two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas jokes-Back together
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his arse constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his arse constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Good jokes-Snappy Comeback Lines
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas jokes-Chimney
Letters to Santa
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your asrse whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Love,
Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your asrse whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Short adult jokes-The survey
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs:
1% liked the warmth
2 % liked the sensation
3 % liked the eroticism
94 % just liked the peace and quiet
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas jokes-Work all year
Q. Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A. Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say "Made at the North Pole"? ("Made in China" more likely!)
Sarcastic jokes-Killing a killer
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Polk county Florida Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.
When asked by a reporter how that could be that he died of natural causes when there were 68 bullet wounds in his body.
Coroner replied, "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally going to die."
That's an even better answer.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Polk county Florida Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.
When asked by a reporter how that could be that he died of natural causes when there were 68 bullet wounds in his body.
Coroner replied, "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally going to die."
That's an even better answer.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas jokes-Milk and cookies
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Limericks-Girl from Key West
A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West
Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest
Any Man's Close Attention
To Her Outside Dimension
Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Good jokes-Dogs Rules For Christmas
Dogs Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!
Blonde jokes-Ice cream cone
What's the difference between a blonde and an ice cream cone?
Ice cream cones don't lick back.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Good jokes-More funny signs
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Monday, December 20, 2010
Christmas jokes-Letters to Santa
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Short adult jokes-Long and hard
What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A last name.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Christmas jokes-Morning service
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.
'Well' said the clergyman 'I guess there's no point in having a service today.' '
Well that's not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'
'Well' said the clergyman 'I guess there's no point in having a service today.' '
Well that's not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas jokes-Dog
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
Good jokes-How many women?
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of women before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine, "
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine, "
Funny signs
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
Friday, December 17, 2010
Christmas jokes-Snowman in your bed
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Good jokes-Drunk solution
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Short adult jokes-Three ages of Marriage
The Three Ages Of Marriage:
Twenty is when you watch the TV after.
Forty is when you watch the TV during.
Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
Children jokes-Remainder of the proverb
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Taking temperature
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed...
"Not with a Lotus stem."
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed...
"Not with a Lotus stem."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Postcard
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
Funny statements-Head of the family
"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
Monday, December 13, 2010
Short adult jokes-Boiling in a pan
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Good jokes-Forgot birthday
Akhtar's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.
Akhtar writes her a greeting card, of course with a gift of repentance,
"My Sweetest heart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
Akhtar writes her a greeting card, of course with a gift of repentance,
"My Sweetest heart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Quality jokes-Invitation replies to a Scientist's Ball
Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Good jokes-Scientists at NASA
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
Practical jokes-Fixing the lawn mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
Friday, December 10, 2010
Short adult jokes-Genealogist and Gynecologist
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Good jokes-Yes and No
A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo.
"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo.
"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Funny statements-Split AC
Position of a husband Is just like a split AC.
No matter however loud he is in the outdoor
He is designed to remain silent indoor...
Office jokes-Virus
One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings so I took the opportunity to ask him a question.
"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"
He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . . "It will burn when you pee."
"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"
He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . . "It will burn when you pee."
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Limericks-Macho young swimmer
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.
Short adult jokes-Basketball
I took my girlfriend to the baseball game and she slapped me because I said, I will kiss you between the strikes if you will kiss me between the balls.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Good jokes-Hard to find
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I will divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
Children jokes-Germs
Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't eat that now it has germs."
Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear about and I haven't seen one of 'em yet!"
Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear about and I haven't seen one of 'em yet!"
Monday, December 06, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Backyard swing set
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
Good jokes-Parole board
The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct...
They were able to right a bad czech.
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct...
They were able to right a bad czech.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Car salesman and computer salesman
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
Good jokes-Sitting on a nerve
Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."
Friday, December 03, 2010
Practical jokes-The Christmas gift
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And then my loosing fight started!
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And then my loosing fight started!
Blonde Convention
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Limericks-Red spots
There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Sarcastic jokes-Penny Scale
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Little Johnny jokes-The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)