Good jokes-Land surveyor

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

Limericks-Friend's wife

There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed he cried,
God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"

Funny toons-Online Chat

Really funny jokes-Signing checks

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

Blonde jokes-US Army

Q: What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?

A: They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Adult jokes-Hot girlfriend

How do you know your girlfriend is really hot?

When you put your hand in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Good jokes-Movies

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us. "I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

Funny statements-Wath all due respect

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

Funny jokes-Bad food

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

Adult jokes-Enlargement

My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product...

so I gave him a magnifying glass!

Limericks-Chicken

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

Sarcastic jokes-Black coffee

"Would you like your coffee black?"

"What other colors do you have?"

Hilarious jokes-White Cloud

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"

"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"

"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"

"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.

"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"

"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.

"What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"

Funny statements-Six brothers

Dear Abby,
I am a thirteen year-old girl. I live in Arkansas, and I'm still a virgin. Does this mean that all six of my brothers are gay?

Practical jokes-Stupid but true headlines

Stupid True Headlines

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

- Farmer Bill Dies in House

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

- Stud Tires Out

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

- Eye Drops off Shelf

- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

- Include your Children When Baking Cookies

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Funny toons-Immigration laws

Adult jokes-Q

Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked.
"Is he some kinda super guy like that man on Star Trek?"

"No," said the wife,
"he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin'down."

Blonde jokes-Bimbo prefix

Blonde + Bimbo

New prefix:
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

*Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes

*Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes

*Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males

*Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait

*Bimbag - a blonde's purse

*Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag

*Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes

*Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes

*Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard

*Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything

*Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook

*Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
*Bimboette - a young blonde
*Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
*Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes

*Bimboozle - to fool a blonde

*Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence

*Bimbozo - another name for a blonde

*Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes

*Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde

*Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is

*Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

One liner jokes-Children's Zoo

In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Doctor jokes-Running every day

Paddy O'Connor goes to see his doctor: "Doctor, my sex life is terrible, absolutely terrible!"
The doctor examines him, and says, "You need exercise. I want you to run every day, two miles a day. It'll improve your heart rate, your general well-being, your self-image, your libido. Then call me in a week".
A week later, Paddy calls his doctor, says "Well, Doc, I've been running every day, two miles a day, just like you said".
The doctor asks him "So, how's your sex life?"
Paddy says "I don't know. I'm fourteen miles from home."

Really funny jokes-Hormonal

A woman was complaining about how the time of the month made her hungry.
"I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal."

A man overhearing her said, "that's funny, usually when I have the munchies, its home-grown-al.

Adult jokes-Free Service

Insurance agent: Sir, we do penis insurance also.

Customer: You replace with new one?

No sir,once it doesn't work, we ensure free service to your wife, life-long...

Good jokes-Invention of Football

Q: Why did god invent football?

A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Limericks-Old man from Wicket

There once was an old man from Wicket.
Who asked a young lady to lick it.
She promptly said no,
And started to go,
But she did tell him where he could stick it.

Hilarious jokes-The first time

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

Sarcastic jokes-Changed my mind

"I have changed! my mind."

"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

Adult jokes-Once again

A nun is walking down the street when all of a sudden a mugger grabs the nun and drags her into the bushes and rapes her.
He then says,
"Now, what are you going to tell your Mother superior?"

The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."

The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."

The nun said, "Well you're going to do it again aren't you?"

Blonde jokes-Paralyzes

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

Funny toons-Two more cats

Funny statements-Hit by Bookmobile

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....
- Rodney Dangerfield

Adult jokes-Old rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

Funny jokes-Sociology class

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?'"

Sarcastic jokes-Safe world

So Farrah Fawcett ends up at the pearly gates and is asked if she has one final wish for those she left behind.

She replies, "I'd like for children everywhere to have a happy, safe world in which to live."

So BAM! Immediately Michael Jackson is in line behind her.

Good jokes-Prison riot

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things: First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

Limericks-Undeniably small

A Woman Who Lived In St. Paul
Had Breasts Undeniably Small
Her Husband Growled, "My Dear,
Why Not Burn Your Brassiere?
It's Fulfilling No Function At All."

Adult jokes-Supersensitive condoms

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?

They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Good jokes-Irish Medical Dictionary

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery -The study of paintings.

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan - Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

Colic - A sheep dog.

Coma - A punctuation mark.

Dilate - To live long.

Enema - Not a friend.

Fester - Quicker than someone else.

Fibula - A small lie.

Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

Morbid - A higher offer.

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

Node - Knew it.

Outpatient - A person who has fainted.

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative - A letter carrier.

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.

Rectum - Nearly killed him.

Secretion - Hiding something.

Seizure - Roman emperor.

Tablet. - A small table.

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour - One plus one more.

Urine - Opposite of you're out.

Funny jokes-Austin Powers pickup lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Hilarious jokes-Einstein's lecture

One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.

Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

Sarcastic jokes-For Dinner

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

Adult jokes-In love with dentist

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.

She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.

Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"

"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

Funny toons-Pizza delivery

Funny sarcastic jokes-Morris and his Rabbi

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."

"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.

"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."

"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"

"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."

The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"

"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."

"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.

Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."

Limericks-Big as a table

There once was a lady named Mable,
whose arse was as big as a table.
"Never you mind."
said a friend of mine.
She's ready, willing, and able.

Short adult jokes-Marshmallow

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.

"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"

Good jokes-Oxymorons

Some commonly used phrases - contradictory meaning brought together - I suppose they are called Oxymorons :

1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......

11) Happily Married...

And they should be no two opinions on the last phrase...

Funny statements-Sleep alone

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!

Good jokes-Younger

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

Blonde jokes-Indecent exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

Short humor jokes-Brilliant Comeback lines

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

Michael Jackson jokes-New born

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

Good jokes-Signs Of Menopause

Hot Flashes ~ You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

Mood Swings ~ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

Memory Loss ~ You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

Irritability ~ Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f*ucking Nelson."

Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

Fatigue ~ You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.

Mild Incontinence ~ You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."

Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.

Adult jokes-Partner swapping

Two couples had arranged to spend a long weekend at a country house hotel. On the drive to the hotel they shared a car and during the 2 hour journey they agreed that, to spice up the weekend, they would try a little partner swapping.

Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.

"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?

Limericks-Uncertain young woman

An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnnie and Fred
And didn't know which way to turn.

Funny toons-Uncle Bob

Insulting quotes

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"She's as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

Short adult jokes-Need a hand

A nurse showed a hot guy into a private room at the sperm bank.

Two minutes later she joined him in the room, and he asked her, "What are you doing in here?"

"I just wondered if you need a hand."