Adult jokes-Pregnant Again

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."

"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"

"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"

"I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?"

And every blasted time I say, 'What?"

Office jokes-Just before getting fired

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment.....

-- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!

-- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.

-- Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.

-- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!

-- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.

-- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

Funny toons-Into the open

Adult jokes-Is that for Sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered butt, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Limericks-Snake

Buffalo Billy had a ten-foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,
So she whacked it with a rake,
And now it's only five-foot-four.

Really funny jokes-Prepared spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Sarcastic jokes-Through the roof

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"

"No, sir, only when it rains."

Adult jokes-Spice Girls

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Hilarious jokes-Best Divorce letter ever

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an a*s that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is?

Love,
Dan

Funny statements-Suffer from Diarrhea

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

Adult jokes-Frosty the Snowman

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Little Johnny jokes-Substitute

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

Short humor jokes-Flagrant Lawbreaker

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Good jokes-Calmness in our lives

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Funny statements-Hit me

I called Yo father a fag and he hit me with his purse!

Funny toons-Tested positive

Adult jokes-Walk carefully

Q: Why did the gypsy walk carefully?

A: Because he had crystal balls.

Funny jokes-New Proverbs for the Millennium

New Proverbs For The New Millennium

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don't byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up, must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

20. There's no place like your homepage.

Sarcastic jokes-Hit by chair lift

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

Office jokes-Personnel

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Good jokes-Tetanus shot

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and
he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Animal jokes-Hunting dog

A group of men go pheasant hunting and don't even see a single bird. At the motel that night they decide that they need a hunting dog. They find a place that rents hunting dogs in the yellow pages and go there the next morning.

The owner shows them a couple of dogs and says that they are $5 a day. Then he shows them a dog and says that he is $50 a day. They protest and the owner makes them a deal. He says that they can take the dog for the day and when they bring him back they can pay him what they think he was worth.

So they decide to try him. Before leaving they ask for the dogs name and the owner says it is Old Fireman. They end up having the best day of hunting they have ever had in there lives.

The next year they return to the same place and say they want to rent Old Fireman. But the owner says: "Ok, but he will be $5 a day." The men ask what had happened since last year he was $50 a day.

The owner says: "After you rented him last year a group of firemen rented him and got to calling him Chief. Now all he will do is sit on his a*s and bark."

Funny statements-Getting Old

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.

Adult jokes-Candle comfort

A young nun new to the convent complained to the Mother Superior that she was suffering the pangs of lust.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that, but you get tired of the same old thing, wick in and wick out."

Hilarious jokes-Playpen

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

Funny jokes-Stop biting nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch. "I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Fred used to do the same thing," the other old girl replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"Really, how?" asked the first woman.

"Easy, I hid his teeth."

Sarcastic jokes-Two ears

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."

"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

Limericks-Well stacked

So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
Was not Tom, Dick ,or Harry, but, Glenda.

Funny toons-Steer

Practical jokes-Out of shape

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

Adult jokes-Little old couple on Valentine's Day

It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel.

They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,
"Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

Good jokes-Escort service

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."

Office jokes-A Horoscope for the Workplace

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can " concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

Adult jokes-Golf ball

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Obama jokes-Talking to Michelle

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, " Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President"

Children jokes-Litter of kittens

A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

Sarcastic jokes-Stairs

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"

"No, you'll have to walk"

Adult jokes-Mint flavored

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Limericks-As a fawn

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Dark jokes-Divorced!

An elderly couple in their 90's decide to get divorced so they go to their lawyer to sort things out.

"Wow," said the lawyer, "at your age, and after 70 years of married life. What brought about this decision?"

"Well you see," explained the couple, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead!"

Little Johnny jokes-Distributing dollars

Little Johnny was in the maths class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"

Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!"

Funny toons-Alzheimer's Clinic

Adult jokes-Blonde nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Limericks-Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It was not the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Hilarious jokes-To tell them apart

Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while.

But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started.

Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is six inches taller than the white horse?"

Funny statements-Complete strangers

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Adult jokes-Gasp reflex

Q: What is the gasp reflex?

A: The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

Sarcastic jokes-Grumpy old woman

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values; which will mean you will be charged more if you live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are both out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.....................

Good jokes-Read Marx

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

Animal jokes-At the Vet's waiting room

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down.

Oh no, says the first dog, why?

The second dog says, Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.

The second dog says, Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good! The other dogs say, so' that's why they are putting you to sleep? No says the dog, She is bringing me here to get my toe-nails clipped!

Adult jokes-Amazing thing

Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?

A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!

Office jokes-Procrastinator's Creed

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.