Good jokes-The student and the professor of economics

A student asked a professor of economics:
- What is the difference between socialism and capitalism ?

The professor answered
- Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans

The Student:
- And socialism ?

The professor:
- It's the inverse of course.

Adult jokes-Pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that youmean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her arse, and I aim to kill it."

Hilarious jokes-First stone

Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really tick me off!"

Insurance jokes-Is this seat taken?

Good jokes-More attention to appearance

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Doctor jokes-Vet's symptoms

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Funny statements-Perfect health

Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Adult jokes-Hundred dollar bill on privates

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Funny toons-Fed up neighbor

Good jokes-Reflections on 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Sarcastic jokes-Strawberries

Q: How are men like strawberries?

A: Because they take such a long time to mature, and by the time they do most are rotten.

Hilarious jokes-Definition in different places

Q: What's the definition of a virgin in England?
A: Any female under the age of eighteen.

Q: What's the definition of a virgin in France?
A: Any female under the age of sixteen.

Q: What's the definition of a virgin in the Middle East?
A: Any camel that can run faster than the locals.

Funny jokes-Fired!

Q: Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm bank?

A: For drinking on the job.

Good jokes-Wear the pants

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."

Short adult jokes-Daddy will know

"Mommy, what's a lesbian?"

"Go ask Daddy she'll know."

Funny statements-Vacuuming

I did think about adopting - an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

Good jokes-Bonding with construction workers

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give
a child the gift of our time.....

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a*sholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*cking sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

Sarcastic jokes-Hold your hand

"May I hold your hand?"

"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

Adult jokes-Sperm bank vault

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Good jokes-Calories

Calories are the little b*stards (oops!!) that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE PUNKS!

Funny jokes-Black bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Funny toons-Guess who?

Good jokes-The way they dress

I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?"

He said, "That's a boy, that's my son."

I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father."

He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

Adult jokes-Tribal experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

Funny jokes-The Bra

THE BRA

Q: Which is the striped BRA?
zeBRA

Q: Poisonous BRA?
coBRA

Q: Mathematical BRA?
algeBRA

Q: Sunsign BRA?
liBRA

Q: Magical BRA?
aaBRA ka daBRA

Q: Metallic bra
BRAss

Q: Angelina Jolie's Bra
BRAd Pitt...

Q: Botany BRA
BRAnch

Q: Marketing BRA
BRAnd!

Q: AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL BRA
BRAaak Obama

Q: Cricketers' bra
BRAdd Hogg

Q: Bra which became the american president and inspired the whole world,
aBRAham Lincoln!

Q: The BRA which holds the record for most no of T20 runs in an innings?
BRAndon McCullum.

Limericks-Old Bill

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.

Blonde jokes-Playing with Computer

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?

A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

Good jokes-Allegra and Viagra

Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men who are also hay fever sufferers. By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at!

Sarcastic jokes-Oscar Wilde

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?'

Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

Adult jokes-Western

Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?

A: All the good guys are hung.

Good jokes-Poor dumb beast

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

Limericks-Trouble being a man

There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man.
Wore a dress and high heels
Drove a Chevy with pink wheels...
And soon Stan became a tran.

Practical jokes-Headache Cure

When my physician said that my headaches were caused by tension in my neck and shoulders, I looked around for a product that would relax those muscles. The perfect solution seemed to be a neck wrap that was designed to be cooled in the freezer or heated in the microwave.

Luckily for me, the product had clear and concise instructions, including the following:

"Warning--do not microwave while on body."

Funny jokes-Laundry man

Q: What did the laundry man do at the convent?

A: He picked up dirty habits!

Funny toons-Intelligence

Good jokes-Crunchy bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

Sarcastic jokes-Insurance

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"

"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

Good jokes-Political correctness.

Q: What is the difference between a midget and a freak?

A: Political correctness.

Adult jokes-Eight types

There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you....

8. The Submariner - Mmm... OHHH... Deeper... Deeper... GO DEEPER!....

Really funny stuff-Broken Virginity

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came out.
At last it's finished

I had satisfaction
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

Funny statements-Life's mysteries

One of life's mysteries - how can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Blonde jokes-The replacement

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.

"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

Good jokes-Smoked in Bowls

Q. How is the Ohio State Buckeyes and marijuana the same?

A. They both get smoked in bowls.

Adult jokes-Things not to say to a Naked Woman

Things NOT to say to a naked woman...

*Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

*How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

*You must be very experienced.

*Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

*Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

*I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

*Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

*Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

*I heard carpenters dream about you.

*So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

*Look....I can get my whole arm in.

*It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

*Is that an optical illusion?

*If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

*Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

*Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

*Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

*I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

*Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

*I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

*Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

*You know they have surgery to fix that.

*Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

*Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

*Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

*I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

*You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

*You're not 'that' fat.

*I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

*Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

Adult jokes-Things not to say to a Naked Man

Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...

*That's it?

*Wow - look at all the hair on your back!

*Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

*That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?

*Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

*Wake me when it's over, ok?

*I think the condom's too big.

*Zzzzzz....

*You want me to what?!?

*Well, that explains the padded pants.

*Did you take out the garbage yet?

*My husband's in the Marines.

*He's due home any day now.

*Is that a toupee?

*So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!

*No.

*Surgery might be able to help.

*Not until you've showered.

*That must be my mother on the phone.

*Your brother's bigger.

*Your best friend's better.

*Are you done yet?

*Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!

*Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.

*You might want to see a doctor about that.

*Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Limericks-Gigolo named Bruno

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llama's are numero uno!"

Children jokes-Evening prayers

A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers.

"Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee."

"Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."

Funny toons-Pleasant surprise

Adult jokes-Wipe your knees

Q: How can you tell if a household is homosexual?

A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees".

Funny jokes-Two stone tablets

Why did God give the Jews two stone tablets of Biblical Commandments?

Well, first of all, God had offered His Commandments to the Germans. "Impossible!" they replied, "What's this stuff about thou shalt not kill? It's natural to kill". And so they refused them.

So then God offered them to the French. "What's this rubbish about thou shalt not commit adultery?" they exclaimed, "It's in our blood! It's part of our way of life!". And so they refused them too.

So eventually God offered them to the Jews. "How much are they?" asked the Jews. "They're free" came the reply. "In that case, we'll take two!"

Funny statements-Disbarred

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Office jokes-Policies and Procedures

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

Adult jokes-Finding a Blind man

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard.

Sarcastic jokes-Scuba gear

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You idiot, I'm drowning."

Dark jokes-Good News And Bad News

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!

Funny jokes-Alternative ways to say No

Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my n*pples.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I would rather have s*x with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

Funny statements-Freak

I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

Hilarious jokes-Hysterectomy!

A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital.

"What did they do?" he asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.

"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids."

"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"