Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Adult jokes-Wives and secretaries
Limericks-In the park
There once was a boy named Mark
Who liked to have sexual fun in the dark
One day his dad walked through the door
And Mark's vibrator fell to the floor
So now Mark vibrates his a*s in the park.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Animal jokes-No pets allowed
There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Sarcastic jokes-The world's shortest books
Have you seen the world's shortest books?
Irish Wit and Wisdom.
Jewish Business Ethics.
Italian War Heroes.
Aboriginal Hygeine Hints.
Adolf Hitler's Kosher Recipes.
The Amish Phone Book.
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates.
Great Women Drivers of Today.
The Book of Good Australian Beer.
Beauty Secrets by Cathy Freeman.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Good jokes-Instructions Manuals
How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."
Funny jokes-Suck a Golf ball
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a Golf ball through a 20 ft. garden hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever it takes.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Finance jokes-The economist's view
A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans.
The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.
The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.
The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener..."
The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.
The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.
The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener..."
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Adult jokes-Do you know what I want?
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what I want?" And he says, "No"
So then she spreads her legs wide open and starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And he says, "Yeah - you want the whole f*cking bed to yourself!"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what I want?" And he says, "No"
So then she spreads her legs wide open and starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And he says, "Yeah - you want the whole f*cking bed to yourself!"
Monday, April 25, 2011
Funny jokes-150 lb man
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Good jokes-Woman with eight children
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.
“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”
“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”
“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”
“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.”
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.
“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”
“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”
“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”
“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.”
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Army uniform
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide.
My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute.
The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," LOOK , MOM, A GIANT BOY SCOUT."
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide.
My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute.
The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," LOOK , MOM, A GIANT BOY SCOUT."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Good jokes-Animal Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Adult jokes-Frigid
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on
Friday, April 22, 2011
Auto Insurance-Excuses
Auto Insurance Excuses
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
* I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The telephone pole was approaching fast.
* I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
* I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
* I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
* I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The telephone pole was approaching fast.
* I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
* I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
* I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Funny jokes-Little sister
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Good jokes-Male friends
Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!
Adult jokes-No longer the Marvel
The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were!
10. These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
9. "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up
again.
8. Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
7. Then ~ "Where's Waldo?"played in bed with your pendulous babe;
Now ~ "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.
6. Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.
5. Then ~ She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor.
Now ~ She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
4. It takes six Viagra just to play hard to get.
3. Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.
2. You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.
1. Your response to a cute, 16-year-old high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
10. These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
9. "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up
again.
8. Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
7. Then ~ "Where's Waldo?"played in bed with your pendulous babe;
Now ~ "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.
6. Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.
5. Then ~ She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor.
Now ~ She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
4. It takes six Viagra just to play hard to get.
3. Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.
2. You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.
1. Your response to a cute, 16-year-old high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Practical jokes-Two bottles of Milk
Tony, the Italian milk man, had a door to door delivery service. A lady called down from her apartment, "Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."
"What apartment, lady?"
She said, "4 Q."
Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"
"What apartment, lady?"
She said, "4 Q."
Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"
Funny jokes-You know what
Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again."
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again."
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Good jokes-Half done
For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?"
A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."
A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."
Adult jokes-Redneck girl
A teacher asks an redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.
She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome time."
Monday, April 18, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Golf rules for beginners
Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Good jokes-Looking to unwind
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
Short funny jokes-Masseuse
They had to fire the Masseuse at our country club.
She was rubbing people the wrong way.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Investment advice-Funny stuff
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With World Com, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.07.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Practical jokes-Clues a gal should call it a night
Clues a gal should call it a night
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's a*s and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take off my shoes and walk around barefooted because I think it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's a*s and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take off my shoes and walk around barefooted because I think it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Good jokes-Another lawyer
It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:
"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."
"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."
Adult jokes-Popping out
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's a*s popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's A*s."
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's A*s."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Funny jokes-Irish Republican Army
Did you hear that the Irish Republican Army recently purchased a thousand septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade England.
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade England.
Limericks-Goody
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Good jokes-G spot
Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and Bill says, "I found my wife's G-spot".
Doug says, "Oh yeah?"
Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."
Doug says, "Oh yeah?"
Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."
Practical jokes-Save my Investment
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
Monday, April 11, 2011
Adult jokes-About to crash
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says, "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says, "F*ck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
The pilot says, "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says, "F*ck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Blonde jokes-Downtown
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Good jokes-Playing Golf
Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Finance jokes-Today's Stock Market Report
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
Friday, April 08, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Scientist and a philosopher
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “It's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you!”
The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “It's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you!”
Children jokes-Wrong feet
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Good jokes-Hunting flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Life Insurance
Sex life insurance
If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General.
If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust.
If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union.
If you sleep with all types that's Group Life.
If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Funny jokes-Nervous Nun
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Good jokes-Again?
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
Finance jokes-Bull or Bear?
"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple a*s."
Monday, April 04, 2011
Funny jokes-Immigrant couple
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as Australian citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Australian citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Australian citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
Sarcastic jokes-Bucket
"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Good jokes-Top Secret center
When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere - Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men's room was disguised.
Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which reads: “You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building.”
Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which reads: “You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building.”
Adult jokes-A little garlic
Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.
"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."
Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."
Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
Friday, April 01, 2011
Funny jokes-Loans
The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in German. The topic was economics and bank business.
“What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?” asked a student.
“I can’t say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn’t do. Follow the three rules: first, don’t lend money to those who don’t have any; second, don’t lend money to those who need it badly; third, don’t lend your own money.”
“What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?” asked a student.
“I can’t say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn’t do. Follow the three rules: first, don’t lend money to those who don’t have any; second, don’t lend money to those who need it badly; third, don’t lend your own money.”
Animal jokes-Rare dog
Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down Towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of My hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks Are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, sh*t" Bill Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could f*cking shake a stick at ."
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of My hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks Are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, sh*t" Bill Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could f*cking shake a stick at ."
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