Adult jokes-Threesome

Q: What is the down side to a 3-some?

A: You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

Funny jokes-The Top 10 Tea Party Pick-Up Lines

The Top 10 Tea Party Pick-Up Lines

* Drill, baby, Drill

* Baby, the moment I saw you, you tore down the Berlin Wall -- to my heart!

* YOU LIE on top of me.

* Want to hike the Appalachian trail?

* Screw the UN inspectors, I'll go in right now

* I'd like to pre-emptively invade you if you know what I mean.

* If your left leg was July 4th and your right leg was Veteran's Day, can I visit you between the holidays?

* Watch out, baby! My hands are going rogue!

* Hey baby, if we don't go out tonight, the terrorists win.

* Is that a pistol in your pocket or...oh - it IS a pistol.

Good jokes-More on What Men Really Mean

What Men Really Mean

Just in case we don't understand one another.

1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"

10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."

13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"

18."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

19."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".

Adult jokes-Three sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Funny toons-The Sandlers versions

Good jokes-Get it back

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."

A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back??"

Funny statements-Inflatable

I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

-Rodney Dangerfield

Finance jokes-How to make one million dollars in the Stock Market

I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.

There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!

Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.

"Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."

Sarcastic jokes-Just that one day

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b*tch.

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

THE END

Adult jokes-Something special

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying.

When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

Funny statements-Tongue twister

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Practical jokes-Hide money

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

Under the vacuum cleaner.

Adult jokes-Buckwheat And Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

Good jokes-Bloody Mary

Q. What is the definition of Bloody Mary?

A. A Wounded Gay.

Adult jokes-Marriage in trouble

Dear Diary,

Day 1

We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood..

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found manhood.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him.. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9

No time to write.. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it.. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Jack Daniels whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the b*stard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The b*stard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference..Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy b*stard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!

Sarcastic jokes-Male Comeback to Female Comeback

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: That explains the moustache then!

Funny statements-See double

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Funny toons-Living in a screensaver

Good jokes-Doctors at the bar

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Hilarious jokes-Behind

Q. Why is a 25 year old gay like a 90 year old Heterosexual?

A. For each one, Sex is behind him.

Funny jokes-Little young to be drinking

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

Adult jokes-Reservations

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a*s."

Good jokes-Three vampires at the bar

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Funny jokes-Overrated

Over beers, two mates were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress.

"I say she's overrated," said one. "Take away her hair, her lips, and her figure, and what have you got?"

"My ol' lady." said the other.

Office jokes-Stuck

My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.

Limericks-Man from Calcutta

There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who peeped through a hole in a shutter,
But all he could see,
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the arse of the man who was up her.

Little Johnny jokes-The substitute teacher

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"

The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.

When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".

"That's right" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

Good jokes-The equator

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Funny insulting statements-Special

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Office jokes-Ten Common Full-Time Employee Ailments

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Ailments

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

Funny toons-Internet junkies

Good jokes-Proportions

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."

Adult jokes-Gay vote

Q. Why did Al Gore get the Gay Vote?

A. Because Gays don't like Bush.

Animal jokes-Overweight

Bob took his dog to the vet for its annual check-up.

"Your dog is overweight," the doc said. "You should cut back on his food a little and make sure the dog gets some exercise. Just try playing fetch with him."

"That's impossible," Bob replied. "I can't play fetch with my dog."

"Why not?" asked the vet.

"He can't throw", Bob said.

Funny statements-Feeding babies

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, tooth picks?

Good jokes-ER nurse

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me...

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Adult jokes-Young pickup

The travelling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!"

"The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke.

"It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!"

Funny jokes-I'd never be unfaithful

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"

Nasty jokes-Misunderstood

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

Good jokes-Self defense

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

Sarcastic jokes-Politicians playing golf

The reason we never see any politicians playing golf is it's too much like their work....trapped in one bad lie after another.

Hilarious jokes-Boys are different from girls

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped. Looking into the rear view mirror I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing hanging down and they know that he's a boy..."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..." I was still searching for something to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like boys to have those things?"

Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that very same question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and when girls see that they know they're boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, then the girl really knows he likes her too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "...you want to see?" *

*I wasn't all that sure I did, but I looked anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing. I laughed until I cried. But I told her I loved it - and I did - and she got over her pique. That was the end of that... For her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.

Every year I remember that conversation, and to be honest I haven't looked at a turkey or a man the same way since.

Funny statements-Stocking

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Lawyer jokes-The Divorce case

A lady goes to the court for divorce.

Judge- If I remember, is it not this your 4th divorce?

Lady- Yes, my Lord, it is.

Judge- I cannot pass a decree unless you tell me reasons for all these 4 cases.

Lady- First one was very good Golf player. When he hit the ball, he did not know where the ball was & where he was. On occasions, even if he potted the ball, it was in the wrong hole.

2nd one was a good Long jumper but he always found himself short by 2 inches to touch the end point for qualifying.

3rd one was a good Cricket player. He batted day in & day out but never got out. I had to divorce him.

4th one is a very good Hockey player.

Judge- That is an excellent game.

Lady- I too agree Hockey is an excellent game & he has an equally good control over the ball.

Judge- So what is the reason for seeking divorce?

Lady- This hockey player dribbles too much outside the goal post !!!!!

Good jokes-You need a tie

So this guy wants to go into this hip new nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie to enter this place."

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

Back to the nightclub he goes, where the bouncer takes a long look at him and says,

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."

Celebrity updates-In love with Marilyn Monroe

Colin Farrell says that Marilyn Monroe was the first woman he fell in love with.

"I used to leave Smarties, the Irish equivalent of M&Ms, under my pillow with a little note saying, I know you're dead but these are very tasty and you should come and have a few. I wont tell anyone"

Funny jokes-Military night training

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor. The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However the chopper, fortunately, remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place.

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Little Johnny jokes-Sex education in class

As sex education is being taught at a younger age these days little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher begins the days sex lesson.

"Today's letter is the letter "p" and the word is "penis".

Little Johnny can hardly contain himself and blurts out, "I know what that is"! "I know! I know!!"
" My daddy has two of them! "

"He has a little one he goes pee with...and a great big one he brushes the baby sitters teeth with!"

Good jokes-Learnings at Sunday school

A four year old came home from Sunday School one day, His Dad asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The Mom cracked up and told the son, "Yes, my dear Actually the word is circumcised... but either way, the answer is Yes!

Office jokes-Hewlett Packard's DeskJet

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

Sarcastic jokes-Rat poison

"I want some rat poison."

"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

Adult jokes-Missing Bride

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am just here to get something to eat."

Good jokes-Suffers

A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!"

"Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks.

"Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."

Hilarious jokes-Pet Sweater

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said.

"See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

Insurance jokes-Sleep on it tonight

Life insurance agent to would-be client:

"Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

Adult jokes-What they say in their professions

No pun intended!

A nurse says: 'This won't hurt a bit'.

A schoolteacher says: 'We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right'.

An airline stewardess says: 'Just hold this over your mouth and nose and breath normally'."

Joke: I once took a girl out who's dad owned a Blockbuster Video. He said she had to be home by 10 but I got her home at half 11 so I had to shove her through the letter box and pay an extra £5.00!

Office jokes-Hiring and firing