Doctor jokes-Failing eyesight

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"
Girl: "No."
"Can you read the center line?"
"No."
"Can you read the large top line"
"No.
"Can you even see the chart?"
"No."
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. "Can you see this?"
"Of course!"
"Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

Celebrity jokes-Cher

Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?

A: They're going to call her Old Spice.

Good jokes-Annoyed Stewardess

A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about.

Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.

Hilarious jokes-Ghost parents

What do you call a ghost's mother and father?

Transparents!

Adult jokes-Night of fun

A man heads to his local strip club for a night of fun.
A dancer comes over to him as asks for a dance.
He asks her name, she says her name is "Star."
He asks: "Wow, Star; why that name?"
She says: "Because I light up the night."
After the dance, another dancer comes over and asks for one as well.
He asks her name and she says to him: "My name is "Stair."
He asks: "Why Stair?" She says because she's a step above the rest.
After her dance, another comes over and asks for one also.
He asks her name and she says her name is "Stare".
Looking even more puzzled he asks: "Why Stare?"
She stops in the middle of her dance and looks at him yells: "BECAUSE I'M NAKED DAMMIT!!"

Limericks-A sneer

There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.

Good jokes-Bridal suite

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room.

But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

Short humor jokes-Google

Great pick up line

Boy: Hey girl! Is your name Google.?

Girl: No-But why..?

Boy: Because you have all the things I’m searching for….!

Funny toons-Hard one

Adult jokes-Twenty years later

Jacob Levy had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.'

Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.

More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'

'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'

'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'

To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'

Good jokes-Lilies at Funeral

Person at funeral: Why are lilies always so popular at funerals?

Botanist: Because they are moan-ocots.

Children jokes-Repeating the alphabet

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."

Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."

Practical jokes-What a friend will do

A true friend sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third.

A false friend sees the first tear, photographs the second, and posts the video of the third on YouTube.

Hilarious jokes-illegal operation

Why did a group of Columbians run away from the computer lab?

Because... The computer said, “You have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown!”

Adult jokes-How big!

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?

A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Good jokes-Mathematical foods

There is a bakery that sells special mathematical foods online with special discounts for mathematicians coming from the portal.

You can get a simple Pi, or you can get the Equation special, which is twice the weight, since it is the Expansion of Pi.

Cylindrical cakes with square tops and etched icing are sold by volume, not weight. These are called Pi R-square Etch.

Funny jokes-Grandmothers

Once, a couple went on an India tour. With them were their children, and both the children's grandmothers. Taking her mother was the husband's idea, and the wife had suggested taking his mother.

On the way, his mother found the strange cities uncomfortable, and became quite cranky. The man got very upset, but what could he say? It was his mother being crabby after all!

For some days, he bore it in silence, but then he couldn't stand it any more. He couldn't say anything to his mother, so he flared up at his wife instead: "See how well-behaved my mother-in-law is? Yours is nothing but trouble!"

Practical jokes-Old Folks Party games

TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

Adult jokes-Tampons in school

Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?

A: I'll see you next period.

Good jokes-Flat Minor

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A flat minor.

Blonde jokes-Infatuated with DJ

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what
this is?" he whispered.

"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."

Funny toons-Knees are down

Hilarious jokes-Critics’ Day in heaven

It was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

Funny jokes-Play football

Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?

Because his heart wasn't in it!

Good jokes-Missing the last bus

There was this dedicated computer engineer, who used to sit and work really late. He'd got into the habit of catching the last bus home. Often, he used to almost miss it, and had to run really fast to the bus stop to catch it.

Now, one fine day, the timings for the last bus were changed.

Our man, being a dedicated engineer, forgot about this change. So, one night, he ran out as usual to the bus stop. When he reached there--no bus.

"Rats!" he muttered. "I've lost connectivity to the bus because of a run-time error."

The next day, he came to work in running shoes instead of his usual sandals.

"After all," he mused, "re-booting is known to fix run-time errors."

Sarcastic jokes-Committee

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

Insurance jokes-Excellent Service!

Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.

The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.

Office jokes-Failed interviews

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.

E: Is he working locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you !
C: Why?

E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of you.

*********


Story II


E: Any girl friends?
C: No.

E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!


*********

Story III


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.


*********

Story IV


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack in fighting spirit.


*********

Story V


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Had a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hopper!)


*********

Story VI


E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?
C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.


*********

Story VII


E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!

Adult jokes-Expensive Dinner

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered almost every most expensive item on the menu. She ordered appetizers (everything from Calamari to Escargot), lobster, prime rib, champagne, the works!

Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she answered, "but my mother isn't expecting me to suck her cock."

Sarcastic jokes-Insulting in an appreciating manner

When you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they intend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker.

"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."

"You're smarter than you look."

"You drive very well, for a woman."

"Your son is more handsome than I would have expected."

"You are attractive, for your age."

"You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you."

"You're not as heavy as people think you are."

"I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!"

Hilarious jokes-Stranded

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Short adult jokes-Hands

Q. "Why don't roosters have hands?"

A. "Because chickens don't have tits!"

Good jokes-A Man's World

A Man's World

You know you're in a man's ideal world when:

-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

-- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Adult jokes-Hard to handle

Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.

Funny toons-Print

Adult jokes-Green balls

What do you have when you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?

Total control of the Incredible Hulk!

Good jokes-Polishing apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples."

"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"

"Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Adult jokes-Signs she is bored in bed

Signs She Is Bored In Bed:

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Short humor jokes-Woody Woodpecker

What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?

Woody Headbanger,

Funny statements-Good for shape

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
-George Carlin

Practical jokes-Room for Pizza & beer

A college student on his way between wild parties climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver,

"Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a six pack of beer?"

"Sure!" answered the cabby.

So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

Adult jokes-Condoms for Donald

Donald Duck walked into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly Sir," said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"

"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am a dickhead!"

Sarcastic jokes-Suicide rate

Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low?

Because you can't jump out of a basement window.

Good jokes-New Mattress

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.

"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."

Funny jokes-Reluctant date

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

Adult jokes-It's a Guy quiz

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

Good jokes-Gambling

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER.

So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Funny toons-Marriage guidance

Adult jokes-Things that Sex and Parking spaces share

15 things that SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common

1. You should never have to wait to find one

2. You should be able to slide right into one

3. Spaces in the front are always the best

4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice

5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked

6.Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

7.It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only compact' spaces

8. A full-size car is good to find

9. People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

11. We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

12. A house isn't a home without a parking space

13. Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

15. The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

Blonde jokes-A dollar

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with sh*t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Good jokes-Marriage contract for Women

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".

Section 7.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 7.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

Practical jokes-Golfer and skydiver

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: *Whack* "F*ck!"

Bad Skydiver: "F*ck!" *Whack*

Funny statements-Beauty

Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder...

Funny jokes-Ribbed condoms

A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do" replied the boy, "They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

"Yes, that's true," said the pharmacist, "but do you know what the ribs are for?"

The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up."

Good jokes-You're nuts

A man walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap pants.

The therapist takes one look at him and says "Clearly, I can see your (you're) nuts."

Limericks-Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.