Good jokes - Adult jokes
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Profound concern of Libertarian
A lady Canadian Libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
She received the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
Friday, July 29, 2011
Finance jokes-How to make money
A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."
"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?"
"I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."
"How?"
"I am going to build a web page and take it public."
"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?"
"I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."
"How?"
"I am going to build a web page and take it public."
Adult jokes-BMW owner's most ardent wish
Q: What is the BMW owner's most ardent wish?
A: A bigger penis.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Blonde jokes-Twice!!
Two blondes were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party.
"Did you get laid, Sherry ?"
"Twice."
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!
Practical jokes-Copernicus
It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Adult jokes-Big mouth
A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick." "
Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."
Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."
Good jokes-Preparation A
Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Office jokes-Government Workers Reality
Government Workers Reality
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
Really funny stuff-Stoner Prayer
Stoner Prayer
Now I pass out into sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Grant no other stoner take
My weed and bong before I wake
Keep me safely in thy sight
And grant no crackhead’s thrill tonight
And in the morning let me awake
Breathing scents of wake ’n bake
God protect me in my dreams
and make this better than it seems
Grant the time may siwftly fly
When myself shall be so high
In a green grass weed bed
Where I long to rest my head
Far away from all these scenes
And the smell of bammer smoked by beans
Take me back into the land
Where the cops never take you out
Where the weed won’t burn my throat like sand;
Where the scent of chronis blows
Where the good Mary Jane grows;
Take me back and I’ll promise then
Never to leave BC again
Now I pass out into sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Grant no other stoner take
My weed and bong before I wake
Keep me safely in thy sight
And grant no crackhead’s thrill tonight
And in the morning let me awake
Breathing scents of wake ’n bake
God protect me in my dreams
and make this better than it seems
Grant the time may siwftly fly
When myself shall be so high
In a green grass weed bed
Where I long to rest my head
Far away from all these scenes
And the smell of bammer smoked by beans
Take me back into the land
Where the cops never take you out
Where the weed won’t burn my throat like sand;
Where the scent of chronis blows
Where the good Mary Jane grows;
Take me back and I’ll promise then
Never to leave BC again
Monday, July 25, 2011
Good jokes-Message from Her Majesty The Queen
Message from Her Majesty The Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
∞
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
∞
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Adult jokes-Blood, sweat and tears
Q: What is the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears?
A: A leaky blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
Limericks-Miss Druggy
Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Good jokes-"Do I look Fat" Responses
"Do I look Fat" Responses
"Not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
"No hablo ingles."
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
"No, but taking it *off* sure does."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Not if you were traveling at the speed of light."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
"Not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
"No hablo ingles."
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
"No, but taking it *off* sure does."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Not if you were traveling at the speed of light."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
Funny jokes-Woodstock
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
New Web portal for Mathematicians
The web portal for mathematicians has recently been revamped. Now the interface is more natural and intuitive. So you don't necessarily have to log in any more.
You can also ln in.
***
The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.
For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.
The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.
Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.
Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.
***
For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)
***
Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)
It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.
You can also ln in.
***
The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.
For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.
The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.
Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.
Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.
***
For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)
***
Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)
It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Good jokes-Earthworm
My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”
“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”
“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
Adult jokes-Big feet
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.
The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.
The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Trout fisherman
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. OK buddy, how much do I owe you?”
The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. OK buddy, how much do I owe you?”
Celebrity jokes-Promises
Q: Other than health care what other promises has Barack Obama made to the American People?
A: Balancing the budget, reining in the banks and putting a unicorn in every backyard!
A: Balancing the budget, reining in the banks and putting a unicorn in every backyard!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Good jokes-Note left for a pianist
A note left for a pianist from his wife
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
Funny jokes-Septuagenarian's glee
Septuagenarian's glee:
Gosh, I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the butt
Calcium in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Good jokes-Self righteous bishop
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
Funny jokes-Three Texans
Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place “The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place “Gene’s Ranch Estate.”
The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.
And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.
Downtown Dallas, says the old Jewish man.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place “The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place “Gene’s Ranch Estate.”
The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.
And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.
Downtown Dallas, says the old Jewish man.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Name for Councillor
A chap walks into the council office, says to the receptionist,
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a councillor."
The receptionist replied,"Certainly sir.. Please fill in this form"
.So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question -Are you circumcised?
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied," If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked,"What difference it would make if he was circumcised?"
She replied," To become a councillor you have to be a complete prick."
Hilarious jokes-BMW car salesmen
Q: How many BMW car salesmen does it take to change your light bulb?
A: It depends on your credit, current lease terms, and willingness to take a balloon payment!
A: It depends on your credit, current lease terms, and willingness to take a balloon payment!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Good jokes-I’ve sure gotten old
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees , fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
Funny jokes-U2
Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Adult jokes-Is Sex work or play?
A man questions if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He goes to a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Limericks-Mailman named Drew
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Good jokes-Family size
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Hilarious jokes-Poker addiction
I had not realized the extent of my husband's poker addiction until we recently sat down for dinner. I had just set 5 dishes of food in a nice row on the table when he blurted out, "Oh nice honey, peas, carrots and broccoli on the flop, looks like Ham at the Turn and Turkey on the River!"
Monday, July 11, 2011
Adult jokes-Near sighted
Q: What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: They both have a wet noses.
Really funny stuff-BMW Acronyms
BMW Acronyms
Brings Me Women!
Bavarian Murder Weapons
Born Moderately Wealthy
Big Mexican Weiner
Big Money Waste
Break My Windows
Black Mans Willy
Beats My Wood
Borrows My Wallet
Bothers My Willy
Buffoon Made Waste
Bust My Waller
Broke My Wallet
Brings Me Women
Bought My Wife
Breaks Most Wrenches
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Best Motorcycle Worldwide
Bad Mutha' Wheels
Boozedup Moron Wagon
Black Man's Wheels
Be My Wife
Black Man's Wish
Big Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring Money With you
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Adult jokes-Rigor Mortis
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Friday, July 08, 2011
Good jokes-Automotive technology
Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure,” says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure,” says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"
Short humor jokes-Craziest battle
What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
4th of July jokes
Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
Funny jokes-Growing kids
She: "Growing kids need cholesterol. It's only bad for adults."
He: "Till what age do they need cholesterol?"
She: "Till they are growing. 25 for boys, 20 for girls, I guess."
He: "Hmm. And what about kids?"
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Good jokes-More Men
When my son, Mike, was just 3 years old, I was due to have a baby about mid January.
Well, this was the Christmas season and I asked Mike what he would like for Christmas.
He replied that he wanted a baby brother. I told him that it may not arrive at Christmas.
He pouted and said: "Couldn't you just put more men on the job?"
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Good jokes-Pledge of Allegiance
Little Andy was at his first day of School for 4th July Independence Day Pledge
Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the "Pledge of Allegiance" and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.
As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
'Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.
Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'
After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'
'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'
Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the "Pledge of Allegiance" and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.
As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
'Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.
Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'
After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'
'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'
Monday, July 04, 2011
Independence day jokes-Cracked
Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they’re both cracked!
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Adult jokes-Excited judge
A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"
Sarcastic jokes-Hide and seek
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Friday, July 01, 2011
Good jokes-The American Life
A Desi came to USA, settled with green card, got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and invited friends for the house warming party.
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
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