Practical jokes-American soldier

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.

I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.

I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

Celebrity jokes-Princess Diana and Elton John

Q: What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

A: Princess Diana never became a queen of England.

Good jokes-Freudian Slip

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"

"No," said the other priest.

"Well" said the first priest, "it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?" asked the first priest.

"Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."

Adult jokes-Hibernate

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

"Hibernate? Sh*t Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"

Practical jokes-Hide money from a Hippie

Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?

A: Put it under the soap.

Sarcastic jokes-Graffiti

On the wall of the toilet of a first class railway compartment was found this graffiti in crude Bengali:
I make love here with rich men's daughters.

Someone had added a postscript:
You can't. They travel by air.

Life-Organ replacement

Funny statements-Both names

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Adult jokes-Special request

Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied Martin.

"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"

"No problem," said the madam.

"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.

"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"

Economy jokes-Urgent Notice

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and a few trillion dollars in bailouts for some corporations in America, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Funny jokes-Pot

Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?

A: A pot belly

Light bulb jokes-Biologists

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Sarcastic jokes-Quickest way to London

Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin.

'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'

Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'

Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'

Adult jokes-Conceiving

Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?

She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

Good jokes-Astronomical unit

An astronomy major had a part time job working in the university's off-campus housing office. One day, a fellow student, upon entering the office in thought about the morning lecture, asked,
"What is an astronomical unit?"

To which the astronomy major replied, "One helluva big apartment."

Sarcastic jokes-Potheads

Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?

A. The cop!

Economy jokes-Valentine's Day

Top economist Valentine's Day cards

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Let's raise housing starts together.

2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

Funny jokes-A pun my word

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Good jokes-Bet in an Irish pub

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.

One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Birthday jokes-Famous Men

Were any famous men born on your birthday?"

"No, only little babies."

Funny toons-Wikileaks

Adult jokes-Hung like a new born

One day a guy and his girl were in a restaurant discussing their upcoming wedding.

The female didn't want any secrets to come out on their honeymoon so she comes out and says she is flat as a board up top.

The man sat there and pondered that for a moment and said that he hung like a newborn baby.
Well, they finally got married and up in their room on their honeymoon they were both undressing nervously and the female took her top off and said: "See, honey, I am flat as a board up top."

He dropped his pants and she fainted when she came to she said to him:"You said that you were hung like a newborn baby."

"I didn't lie, I said I was hung like a newborn baby and I am 7 pounds 8 ounces and 23 inches."

Short humor jokes-Cork

Man to woman in car: "They were out of tampons so I bought you a cork"

Good jokes-Horrible experience

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked

"The b*stard called me a slut!" Mary said.

"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.

"I told him to get the f*ck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

Funny statements-Run away

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
- Rodney Dangerfield

Finance jokes-Riding a Dead horse

The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount”. However, in many companies as well as in the UN and NGO community a range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Purchase another whip
2. Changing riders
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
5. Explain that “we were always riding dead horses”
6. Arranging for a group training session on how to ride dead horses
7. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
8. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'
9. Do a benchmark study on dead horses
10. Create a task force to make the horse alive
11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
12. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
13. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
14. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
15. Establish a turnaround plan including the use of dead horses to achieve cost cutting targets
16. Hire a consultant to look for a new use of a dead horse
17. Invest in new software that makes dead horses ride faster
18. Start a marketing campaign that our horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead
19. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the mission of the organization than do some other horses
20. Create a new cost center for dead horses
21. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses...

Hilarious jokes-The Ideal Wife

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

Practical jokes-Lucky day

This bloke was pissed as a tick, lying in the gutter outside the local, when this frog hops past.

The bloke grabs the frog, looks it straight in the eye. and says:
"You turd of a frog - I'm gonna stick my finger up you arse till it comes outta your mouth, then I'm gonna tear your legs off, then piss down your throat."

Now the bloke didn't' know it, but the local cop was standing right behind him, listening to every word he was saying.

"Listen, mate," says the cop. "Anything you do to that frog, I'm going to do to you."

The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!"

Limericks-Only a joke

There once was a woman from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her.
When she awoke,
It was only a joke.
A bedspring had come loose and had goosed her.

Adult jokes-Euphemisms for Impotence

Euphemisms for Impotence

1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Dolled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork

Funny statements-Conclusion

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Good jokes-Marry an insurance salesman

A widow went to the hospital because she was very sick. After some testing a doctor told her, "There is no easy way to say this. You will only live another four months."

The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked "what am I going to do?"

The doctor said, "Marry an insurance salesman."

"Will that help me live longer?" she replied

“No, but it will seem longer."

Sarcastic jokes-Homesick

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"

"No" replies the man, "just f*cking homesick" !

Funny pictures-Queue for the Elevator

Good jokes-Astronomy course

An English major at a university was taking an astronomy course to satisfy the science requirement.

During the last lecture of the semester, the professor spoke about some of the more exotic objects in the universe including black holes. Despite his teacher's enthusiasm, the student showed no interest, as was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester.

When the bell rang, the student turned to his friend and said, "The prof says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck."

Adult jokes-Poor lovers

Why do nurses make poor lovers?

Because they always wait for the swelling to go down!

Sarcastic jokes-Over my dead body

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"

Ex-: "Over my dead body!"

Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"

Funny statements-Black hole

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines black holes as what you get in black socks.

Good jokes-Three gorgeous women

A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."

The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.

The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fill up, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"

The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."

Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"

"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"

Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"

The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"

Adult jokes-My mother made me

Some one had written on the bathroom wall: "My mother made me a homosexual."

Underneath it somebody else had written: "If I send her the wool, will she make me one too?"

Good jokes-Monica Lewinsky

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?

A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Sarcastic jokes-Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)

Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

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Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

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Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

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Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

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Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

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Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Practical jokes-Asthma attack

Two old dears having a coffee, one says to the other, "Did you come on the bus".

"Yes", she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack"

Limericks-Lost track

The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!

Good jokes-Car Insurance

A man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list of coverage.

First, there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium.

Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium.

At the end, he noticed that there was an anti-fire and anti theft policy for only $50! He asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

The receptionist replied 'Simple Sir. Because nobody steals a burnt car!'

Blonde jokes-Relations

A blonde patient was being counseled by the doctor at the local health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you can't have any relations whatsoever!"

The young girl replied, "Okay,but what about friends and neighbors?"

Adult jokes-Screw driver

Good jokes-Piano lingo

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?

A: C sharp or B flat.

Sarcastic jokes-House on fire

A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!"

The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"

The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"

Adult jokes-Wait problem

The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.

Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."

Short humor jokes-Hairy beast

What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?

A wear-wolf!

Funny hilarious jokes-Dad's 8 simple rules for dating his daughter

DADS 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to lay hands on his daughter.

He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're certainly not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do This. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.

I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it, and the cost is prohibitive.)

I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Good jokes-Telephone

Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?

A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!

Adult jokes-In the sand

A new couple were making love in the dunes. When they were done he said, "How lucky for us that you brought a condom with you."

She said, "We're even luckier than you think because I found it here in the sand."

Funny statements-Sworn to tell the truth

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Good jokes-After landing

A flight was coming in to land at JFK airport, when the captain flicked on the intercom system and says,"I would like to thank you all for choosing our flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction, and you had a great holiday, we will be landing shortly."

The captain puts down the intercom but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says,"what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "

The captain replies,"I am going to have a good sh*t first,then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."

The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realizing the intercom has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said, when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says,"there's no rush dear, he's going to have a good sh*t first ."

A limerick about Edmund Halley

A limerick about Edmund Halley

From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to come daily;
Now he comes once every 70 years!"

(Edmond Halley was an English astronomer who is best known for computing the orbit of the eponymous Halley's comet.)

Adult jokes-What size to buy

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Short humor jokes-Homeless

Q. What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?

A. Homeless.