Insurance jokes-Turning 100

What is so great about turning 100?

Insurance agents don’t call anymore.

Limericks-Terrible fright

There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream.
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright--
Another had grown in between!

Good jokes-Safely at the ramp

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?

Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

Hilarious jokes-Lost in the Golf course

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

Sarcastic jokes-Movie in the City

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're really going to enjoy yourself - we have sound now."

Doctor jokes-Swallowed a watch

Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch!

Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

Adult jokes-Early morning fight

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Good jokes-Extroverted accountant

What's an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Sarcastic jokes-Carefully tested system

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

Children jokes-Poor people

Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?

I don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask?

Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.

Funny toons-Cricket fever

Practical jokes-Look through the window

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Adult jokes-Tomatoes won't ripen

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

Funny jokes-Chorus girls

Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."

Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."

Office jokes-Mathematical error

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"

Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 apples."

Good jokes-Reading a Book

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins."

"That's funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves!!!"

Adult jokes-Wife's panties

Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.

"Damn," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"

"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.

"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

Funny jokes-What does Banana make?

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ?

Slippers !

Blonde jokes-Flowery expectations

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

Celebrity jokes-Accidents in the US

Q: What did Anna Nicole Smith do when she heard that 90% of accidents in the US occur around the home?

A: She moved to the Bahamas!

Good jokes-Jigsaw puzzle

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Sarcastic jokes-My dog

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. Once a year for his check-up,
And again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this, he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,
But he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...


My dog is a POLITICIAN!

Short funny jokes-Unearthed

Tutankhamun’s will has just been unearthed. He wanted to be buried at sea.

Funny toons-That's life!

Hilarious jokes-Haircut

With my wife there's always something. The last time I got a haircut. She told me it was terrible. She said it looks like you got a haircut. She says when you get a haircut it's not supposed to look like you got a haircut. She said, "Harry got a haircut. No one even knew that Harry got a haircut."

I said, "Then how do you know Harry got a haircut?" So now I got a new problem. Next week I'm due to get a haircut. And I don't want it to look like I got a haircut. So what I'm doing now is I'm trying to find a barber who don't look like he's a barber.

Adult jokes-Mom eats Birds

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning.

When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

Good jokes-Insurance salesman Poll

Insurance salesman Poll

How much do you dislike insurance salesmen?

* A little bit
* A lot
* Where is my shotgun?

Humor jokes-Smoked enough pot

Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?

A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

Good jokes-Crying baby

A blonde girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"

Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.

"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"

"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."

Funny jokes-Gold chains

Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

Sarcastic jokes-Not a sexy guy

I tell ya, I'm not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I'll show ya where it's at."

She said, "You'd better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

Office humor-Bank issues 43 page Dress Code

Bank Issues 43-Page Dress Code

The Swiss bank UBS has issued a new dress code for its employees. The document is 43 pages long and goes into exhaustive detail about how bank workers should present themselves to the public, including underwear colors and makeup application:

The regulations designate a 1.5 millimeter maximum fingernail length for men, suggests that female bankers wear makeup and put on perfume directly after showering and not after lunch, advocates that shoes be changed daily to bring greater levels of "peace and serenity," and mandates employee underwear that is skin-toned and "always made of superior quality textiles."[...]

Men should don footgear with a shoehorn; women should not wear new shoes.

Suits must not only be charcoal grey, black, or dark blue, but dress coats must always be buttoned when employees stand, and open when sitting.

Skirts must reach the middle of the knee with a tolerance for extending 5 centimeters below the joint.

Stockings that are "opaque" are out.

Socks? Always black.

Women may wear no more than seven jewels, men three.

Scarves are compulsory, and to be tied with "authorized knots."

Funny jokes-Adult games

Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games."

Jill: Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning of phone sex.

Celebrity jokes-Latest JFK Jr. movie

Q. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?

A. Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

Good jokes-Tough Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Limericks-Agreeable girl

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves

Funny toons-Men at work

Celebrity jokes-Madonna’s inhibitions

Q: Why are Madonna’s sexual inhibitions like safe nuclear power?

A: Neither exists

Adult jokes-Superior culture

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

Sarcastic jokes-An Economist

On the first day God created the sun - so the Devil countered and created sunburn.

On the second day God created sex. In response the Devil created marriage.

On the third day God created an economist. This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist!

Funny jokes-Swede in you

Sven and Lisa met on the boat as they proceeded to a new life in America and soon fell in love.

After clearing customs they went to City Hall to get a marriage license. Since neither one of them spoke much English one of the secretaries helped them fill out the required forms.

The lady asked Lisa "What's your nationality?"

Lisa said "I yust come over from da old country and don't unnerstand nationality. Vat's dat?"

The lady said "Well you are tall and blond and definitely have a Scandinavian accent. Don't you have a little Swede in you?"

Lisa blushed and said "Yah dat damned Sven, he yust couldn't vait."

Good jokes-Dog food

A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.

The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.

This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.

The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his a*s, and was hit by a car.

Adult jokes-Prostate test

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Celebrity jokes-Automobile insurance

Q: Why was George Michael's automobile insurance canceled?

A: He was rear-ended too many times.

Animal jokes-Sleeping Dog

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."

Good jokes-How hard?

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asks.

About as hard as my dick." he replies.

"Ok, then pour me some."

Sarcastic jokes-All Oprah all the time

Q: What is the US government using the All Oprah All the time XM Satellite radio channel for?

A: Torturing inmates at Guantanamo Bay .

Finance jokes-Mortgage crisis

Q: How can you know if your bank is hurting from the mortgage crisis?

A: You try to cash a check and they tell you to come back with a gun!

Adult jokes-Little opossum

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an opossum.

Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."

She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"

The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"

Funny toons-Fast pulse

Good jokes-Rare medical condition

A man and a woman were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Funny statements-Lifetime

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Funny jokes-Generation gap

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Short jokes-Height of Confusion

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

Funny jokes-Artificial intelligence

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.

I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

Good jokes-Top 10 things only a Woman understands

Top 10 things only a Woman understands:

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:


1. OTHER WOMEN