How do you know celebrities are suffering in this tough economy?
A1: Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Red Roof Inn!
A2: Heidi and Spencer actually had to get real jobs (stars of MTVs "The Hills")
A3: Brangelina (Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie) can only adopt 1 kid this year!
A4: A-Rod had to switch from using steroids to flintstone vitamins!
A5: P Diddy is now buying his bling at Kay Jewelers!
A6: Rockstar Eddie Money's new name is just Eddie
A7: Heather Mills is now marrying guys for love!
A8: Bill Maher is going to church to pray!
A9: Amy Winehouse is clipping her nose hairs looking for that last little bit of cocaine!
A10: Robin Leach has a new show "Lifestyles of the people who still have a job"
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Monday, October 31, 2011
Celebrity jokes-Tough economy
Practical jokes-Calling the Zoo
Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours!
Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Humor jokes-Men with long hair
One man said to a friend: “You know, men with long hair always appear intelligent.”
Friend: “Sure, but not always. One day my wife found a long hair on my jacket and I appeared quite foolish giving all sorts of explanations.”
Friend: “Sure, but not always. One day my wife found a long hair on my jacket and I appeared quite foolish giving all sorts of explanations.”
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-Looking for my Car
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"
"What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"
Obama jokes-Jay Leno's vote
Q: Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A: Because he's running out of George Bush jokes.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Good jokes-No more bickering
After a full day of constant arguing over the smallest things, Adrian suggested to Paula that they call a truce ~No more bickering for 48 hours.
"It's Saturday at four o'clock," Adrian said. "No more bitching at each other until the same time on Monday."
"Okay, I think that can work" Paula said. "I'll talk to you then!"
"It's Saturday at four o'clock," Adrian said. "No more bitching at each other until the same time on Monday."
"Okay, I think that can work" Paula said. "I'll talk to you then!"
Funny jokes-More redneck humor
You know you might be a Redneck if
. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.
. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Adult jokes-New hottie in the neighborhood
Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighborhood.
But he acts so stupid said Sheri. I think he must have his brains between his legs.
Yeah, sighed Rosey, but I'd sure love to blow his mind.
Short funny jokes-If guys had a period
Ya know, if guys had a period, they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Good jokes-Fasten Seat Belts
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
Celebrity jokes-Like a man
Q: Why is Hillary Clinton just like a man?
A: Because she won't pull out until she's done.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Really funny jokes-Capturing the Ape
An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"?
The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. "Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked.
The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo.
"Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. "Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"
The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"
The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. "Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked.
The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo.
"Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. "Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"
The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"
Sarcastic jokes-Definition of unlikely
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Blonde jokes-Bigger pills
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
"You prescribed birth control pills for me."
"And how is it going?" he asked.
"Okay, I think, but I'd like to have them bigger."
The doctor was surprised. "You mean stronger?"
"No, bigger, please"
"But why BIGGER?"
"Because they keep falling out."
Good jokes-Redneck humor
You might be a redneck if
* the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
* the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
* you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
* your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.
* your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
* your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
* it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Looking for a Card
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Short funny jokes-Conversation between two accountants
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party: ".......and ninthly..."
Friday, October 21, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Bottle of Viagra
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Good jokes-Life of an internet addict
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Good jokes-Cheap
Sohan went to a cheap food joint for lunch. He was astonished to find his friend Mohan serving in that joint.
He said:”Mohan don’t you feel ashamed of serving food in this cheap joint?”
Mohan:”I may be working in a cheap restaurant, but unlike you, I go to a better place to eat.”
He said:”Mohan don’t you feel ashamed of serving food in this cheap joint?”
Mohan:”I may be working in a cheap restaurant, but unlike you, I go to a better place to eat.”
Hilarious blonde joke-The witness
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
Accontant jokes-No imagination
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Really funny jokes-Out right now
Dan: Hello. Jane and I aren't here right now but if...
Jane: Dan, what are you doing?
Dan: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Jane: But you left the last one - it's my turn.
Dan: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Jane: No, you selfish man, it's definitely my turn!
Dan: Jane, you ignorant fool. I know it's... wait... Jane... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
.
.
.
Jane: Dan is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
Jane: Dan, what are you doing?
Dan: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Jane: But you left the last one - it's my turn.
Dan: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Jane: No, you selfish man, it's definitely my turn!
Dan: Jane, you ignorant fool. I know it's... wait... Jane... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
.
.
.
Jane: Dan is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Adult jokes-Two old maid sisters
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...
Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...
Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Limericks-Bad constipation
A person of most any nation
If afflicted with bad constipation,
Can shove a cuirass
Up the crack of his a*s,
But it isn't a pleasing sensation.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Elephant's cage
Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."
Doctor jokes-Pregnancy pains
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Good jokes-Darwin's Origin of Species
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Adult jokes-Eating popcorn
Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Economy jokes-US auto industry
Q: Why should we bail out the US auto industry?
A: Because we'll need cars for all the license plates, Wall Street brokers are making in jail!
A: Because we'll need cars for all the license plates, Wall Street brokers are making in jail!
Little Johnny jokes-Blow smoke rings
Two little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his arse."
"Really, have you seen it?" replies the other boy.
Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."
Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his arse."
"Really, have you seen it?" replies the other boy.
Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Adult jokes-Doctor's news
A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation. The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed. He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread. Our man says timidly "Well, how did the operation go?".
To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles"
Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.
"What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles"
Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.
"What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
Obama jokes-Primetime infomercial
Q: What did Barack Obama say in his 30 minute primetime infomercial?
A: 'If you vote early, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'"
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Blonde jokes-Electra Complex
You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
Short jokes-What's eating you?
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Good jokes-Natural History Museum
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when she got home.
"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
Funny statements-If size doesn't matter
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches long and crooked?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Running for president
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?"
-David Letterman
-David Letterman
Practical jokes-Hard landing
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Adult jokes-The ritual
'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Good jokes-Poodle and Pitbull
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
You let the pit bull finish.
India calling-Typical engineering student
The man in focus is from a middle class family in India, and is doing his final year Engineering; and as any other typical engineering student has these two options as in the below IF clause:
IF financial-aid-got during final year BE
MS in US
display "Foreign MS Degree"
ELSE
Join the (campus offered) big software consulting company;
visit all continents much to the concern of those who took the above IF logic
Display "Have made more money than you guys who did MS in US"
END IF
Our man took the ELSE clause and happily went around the globe. Learnt English customs, French cuisine, Swiss niceties, Spanish Reggae and American Dreams.
After three years plus (now a days people start at 6 months itself), decides to leave the big consultancy job and takes on a H1B. He tells all his friends "just 2 or maximum 3 years, make $10K or $20K and then come back and settle back home nicely, Ill come back, I wont be like others who settle there". He surely believes so when he says this and does not lie...
First 3 months:
Has got his SSN, managed a driving license after quite a bit of difficulty and fear; managed a second hand car; rented a decent apartment; spending about 500 $ on phone bills calling up every friend and relative.
Next 3 months:
Finds to his shock that he has less money in bank than he had during the big consultancy trips (when he knew that he used to get peanuts and hence lived within his means sharing a apartment and a car with 4 people and saved some money really)!! So now he starts making huge cuts in telephone bill (first he starts with his home calls and close friend calls - huge cut) and is happy to see the bill cut down to 250 $.
Next 6 months:
Has some friends by now, makes some trips to Niagara (its a ritual like the Kashi and Rameswaram trip in India), New York city and White House. Experienced a winter and fed-up with his car not starting, decides to buy a new car, feels lonely, thinks of his marriage.
Next 3 months:
Decides to call up his family about searching for a bride. Company asks him about green card, has 2 minds, change jobs for 10 K increase, or stay content with 5K increase given by the present company.
Next 3 months:
He fixes a trip after daily hunting for the cheapest ticket, goes home (India) with quite a few gifts for his family, fixes a girl !!! Comes back to the US in 3 weeks, as he knows he will be going back home after 6 months for marriage (Telugu guys are an exception: visit India for 3 weeks, see 15 girls, negotiate on Rs. 50 Lac (5 million rupees) + 10 acres fertile land + 2 rice mills etc., fix up the best bargain and get married in 2 days and come back; the other Indians are not so rewarded in cash; and they will have to go back 6 months down the line for getting married.)
After 6 months:
Gets married, now he is for sure his dream of coming back in 3 years is becoming pale !!... he has to spend 3000 $ on travel next time to go back home; he has spent a lot in car repayment; 2 Indian trips and in gifts; now he wont go back for 2 years: meanwhile he has to get his green card any way; (so he consoles himself that circumstances forced him to stay rather than blaming his will power).
2 years further:
Makes a trip home, buys more gifts for the wife side relatives than his own brothers and sisters!! Calculates every dollar, but finds out to his surprise that salaries in India have grown greatly, and also the cost of everything, now his savings will buy only 1 flat in south
Madras, not at Mylapore, he wont have any cash if he thinks of settling (in India); decides that he will stay in the US for another 3 years and concentrate more on saving and come back to India for good.
3 years in US:
Has kid (his mother in law came during delivery; he was worried all along that should they fall sick, he will be gone in medical care; he prays to God more than he prayed for his School final marks or JEE/CET seat). He is a family man; thinks that if his 2 year old daughter stays in US - after she is 7-8 years of age, she will have all those bad habits, so makes a plan to go back after 5 years, when his daughter would have seen the Disney Land and nicer things when she is not yet spoilt by the western culture.
4 years:
Makes a trip to India with a 20 % hope of returning to India. His retired father with BP and diabetes and mother with heart problem are in the fore front of his thoughts. But he goes to a few companies, (His ego is a little hurt as he was working as a programmer in US, in spite of having good knowledge and had managed 10 people team in India), he expects to be appointed as a general manager; but doesn't get one; or even if he gets, compares with 70K $ and finds it peanuts, so he decides to show his parents to a doctor; asks his neighbors to look after them; and gets on a plane to the US;
5 years down the line:
His wife likes the US, and she does not have the problem of the pestering of her mother-in-law. Halts all plans of her husband's thoughts of returning home. Wife visits India during December season, shows off and then comes back to US (While in India she talks to her relatives about her own car; kids bharatanatyam class in Denver suburbs; her relatives exclaim that they are still so Indian)....
10 years later:
Our man is in his 50's. He suddenly remembers the Indian culture. Is reminiscing in his dreams of the past about reciting Sahasranama at 6 PM in the Shiva temple, the prasad at the Narayana temple, his jolly stints with his Chetak (name of a scooter/bike in India) and the coffee at the Naesey bar in front of the Consultancy services at Lloyds Road 185 office and Annapoorna at 12 Cath Road office. He wants all of them back . so goes to India (but doesn't find it and that all are not truly continuing; blames Indians for forgetting culture;) Buys a big flat; and decides to come back in 2 years;
After 2 years;
He goes back to India but not with his family; his children Sweta and son Nikhil (nice fancy names unlike his Ramanaryanan and his friend Sivasubramanian though they were deep rooted tradition of his ancestral names) are going to "SCHOOL'' (at Michigan university, not in our terms an university; he calls it school) and are likely to get settled their with Steve and Susan respectively. He does not like it; but cant help it and so accepts it without saying anything; wife accepts it more realistically ; but still blames the circumstances ( had I got $ 70K when I passed out Engineering, would I have come here and spent 30 years here. He does not remember that rest of the Indians earned only 1165 + city allowance + DA relief of 180 rupees fifty paise when he got 3500 in Campus and got 1000 hike every 6 months in his software consultancy company).
Now in his sixties at Adyar; he goes to temple; his neighborhood flats kids are wearing American T-shirts, watching MTV. Our man is feeling bad that they are growing too Western; he passes his last days hoping his son and daughter will join him at death; (doesn't remember that he sent only get well card and made few telephonic calls using AT&T, MCI cheap rate duration's than attend to them personally, but still expects his son will come & nurse him) ... the good treatment at Malar Hospital has restored his health; now he can walk to the corner shop and negotiate coriander leaves for 50 paise spoiling the poor daily wage earners' meager earnings )...
And now our man rests in peace at an old age home !!
IF financial-aid-got during final year BE
MS in US
display "Foreign MS Degree"
ELSE
Join the (campus offered) big software consulting company;
visit all continents much to the concern of those who took the above IF logic
Display "Have made more money than you guys who did MS in US"
END IF
Our man took the ELSE clause and happily went around the globe. Learnt English customs, French cuisine, Swiss niceties, Spanish Reggae and American Dreams.
After three years plus (now a days people start at 6 months itself), decides to leave the big consultancy job and takes on a H1B. He tells all his friends "just 2 or maximum 3 years, make $10K or $20K and then come back and settle back home nicely, Ill come back, I wont be like others who settle there". He surely believes so when he says this and does not lie...
First 3 months:
Has got his SSN, managed a driving license after quite a bit of difficulty and fear; managed a second hand car; rented a decent apartment; spending about 500 $ on phone bills calling up every friend and relative.
Next 3 months:
Finds to his shock that he has less money in bank than he had during the big consultancy trips (when he knew that he used to get peanuts and hence lived within his means sharing a apartment and a car with 4 people and saved some money really)!! So now he starts making huge cuts in telephone bill (first he starts with his home calls and close friend calls - huge cut) and is happy to see the bill cut down to 250 $.
Next 6 months:
Has some friends by now, makes some trips to Niagara (its a ritual like the Kashi and Rameswaram trip in India), New York city and White House. Experienced a winter and fed-up with his car not starting, decides to buy a new car, feels lonely, thinks of his marriage.
Next 3 months:
Decides to call up his family about searching for a bride. Company asks him about green card, has 2 minds, change jobs for 10 K increase, or stay content with 5K increase given by the present company.
Next 3 months:
He fixes a trip after daily hunting for the cheapest ticket, goes home (India) with quite a few gifts for his family, fixes a girl !!! Comes back to the US in 3 weeks, as he knows he will be going back home after 6 months for marriage (Telugu guys are an exception: visit India for 3 weeks, see 15 girls, negotiate on Rs. 50 Lac (5 million rupees) + 10 acres fertile land + 2 rice mills etc., fix up the best bargain and get married in 2 days and come back; the other Indians are not so rewarded in cash; and they will have to go back 6 months down the line for getting married.)
After 6 months:
Gets married, now he is for sure his dream of coming back in 3 years is becoming pale !!... he has to spend 3000 $ on travel next time to go back home; he has spent a lot in car repayment; 2 Indian trips and in gifts; now he wont go back for 2 years: meanwhile he has to get his green card any way; (so he consoles himself that circumstances forced him to stay rather than blaming his will power).
2 years further:
Makes a trip home, buys more gifts for the wife side relatives than his own brothers and sisters!! Calculates every dollar, but finds out to his surprise that salaries in India have grown greatly, and also the cost of everything, now his savings will buy only 1 flat in south
Madras, not at Mylapore, he wont have any cash if he thinks of settling (in India); decides that he will stay in the US for another 3 years and concentrate more on saving and come back to India for good.
3 years in US:
Has kid (his mother in law came during delivery; he was worried all along that should they fall sick, he will be gone in medical care; he prays to God more than he prayed for his School final marks or JEE/CET seat). He is a family man; thinks that if his 2 year old daughter stays in US - after she is 7-8 years of age, she will have all those bad habits, so makes a plan to go back after 5 years, when his daughter would have seen the Disney Land and nicer things when she is not yet spoilt by the western culture.
4 years:
Makes a trip to India with a 20 % hope of returning to India. His retired father with BP and diabetes and mother with heart problem are in the fore front of his thoughts. But he goes to a few companies, (His ego is a little hurt as he was working as a programmer in US, in spite of having good knowledge and had managed 10 people team in India), he expects to be appointed as a general manager; but doesn't get one; or even if he gets, compares with 70K $ and finds it peanuts, so he decides to show his parents to a doctor; asks his neighbors to look after them; and gets on a plane to the US;
5 years down the line:
His wife likes the US, and she does not have the problem of the pestering of her mother-in-law. Halts all plans of her husband's thoughts of returning home. Wife visits India during December season, shows off and then comes back to US (While in India she talks to her relatives about her own car; kids bharatanatyam class in Denver suburbs; her relatives exclaim that they are still so Indian)....
10 years later:
Our man is in his 50's. He suddenly remembers the Indian culture. Is reminiscing in his dreams of the past about reciting Sahasranama at 6 PM in the Shiva temple, the prasad at the Narayana temple, his jolly stints with his Chetak (name of a scooter/bike in India) and the coffee at the Naesey bar in front of the Consultancy services at Lloyds Road 185 office and Annapoorna at 12 Cath Road office. He wants all of them back . so goes to India (but doesn't find it and that all are not truly continuing; blames Indians for forgetting culture;) Buys a big flat; and decides to come back in 2 years;
After 2 years;
He goes back to India but not with his family; his children Sweta and son Nikhil (nice fancy names unlike his Ramanaryanan and his friend Sivasubramanian though they were deep rooted tradition of his ancestral names) are going to "SCHOOL'' (at Michigan university, not in our terms an university; he calls it school) and are likely to get settled their with Steve and Susan respectively. He does not like it; but cant help it and so accepts it without saying anything; wife accepts it more realistically ; but still blames the circumstances ( had I got $ 70K when I passed out Engineering, would I have come here and spent 30 years here. He does not remember that rest of the Indians earned only 1165 + city allowance + DA relief of 180 rupees fifty paise when he got 3500 in Campus and got 1000 hike every 6 months in his software consultancy company).
Now in his sixties at Adyar; he goes to temple; his neighborhood flats kids are wearing American T-shirts, watching MTV. Our man is feeling bad that they are growing too Western; he passes his last days hoping his son and daughter will join him at death; (doesn't remember that he sent only get well card and made few telephonic calls using AT&T, MCI cheap rate duration's than attend to them personally, but still expects his son will come & nurse him) ... the good treatment at Malar Hospital has restored his health; now he can walk to the corner shop and negotiate coriander leaves for 50 paise spoiling the poor daily wage earners' meager earnings )...
And now our man rests in peace at an old age home !!
Friday, October 07, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Dance called Politician
A dance teacher taught a very old dance...called the 'Politician'.
She told her class, "Take three steps forward, two steps backwards, then side-step side-step and do a complete turn around."
She told her class, "Take three steps forward, two steps backwards, then side-step side-step and do a complete turn around."
Funny jokes-Pulled out by the Smiths
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls.
... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls.
... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-Traffic mess
"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico."
-Jay Leno
-Jay Leno
Good jokes-Pompous stockbroker
A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".
The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".
Obama jokes-Call now
Q: Will health care be different under Barack Obama's new reforms?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then!
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Political jokes-Global warming
"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together."
-Jay Leno
-Jay Leno
Adult jokes-Photocopy machine
Mother in Law to Daughter in law: "Listen I don't mean to offend you but my grandson doesn't look like my son at all!!"
Daughter in Law to Mother in Law: "Ma, sorry but I have a cookie between my legs and not a photocopy machine"
Daughter in Law to Mother in Law: "Ma, sorry but I have a cookie between my legs and not a photocopy machine"
Blonde jokes-Half off
A blonde was seen walking in a local mall wearing a shirt, shoes, and nothing else.
When security stopped her and ask what she thought she was doing, she replied, "I saw a sign that said 'take half off and save money'."
When security stopped her and ask what she thought she was doing, she replied, "I saw a sign that said 'take half off and save money'."
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Front and back
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Accountant jokes-Sarcasm
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
Monday, October 03, 2011
Funny jokes-The best pubs
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Political jokes-Health care reform
Q: How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform?
A: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
A: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
Good jokes-Cadbury And Rowntree
Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree went off for the weekend...
It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street and he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought.
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Deckers.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies,
So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.
When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts.
It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street and he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought.
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Deckers.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies,
So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.
When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts.
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