Humor jokes-Movie Star

Who is a Movie Star?

A Movie Star a resident of Hollywood, who finds it difficult to live in the institution of marriage - but does not mind frequent visits.

Really funny jokes-White rabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a f*ck!"

Office jokes-New accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"

The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

Humor jokes-Cross Obama and Clinton

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you'd get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods."
- Jay Leno

Good jokes-Psychic's prophecy

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then, at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

How could she go, without knowing?

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Superman jokes-Fight with King Kong

Superman climbed the Empire State Building and challenged King Kong to a fight.

King Kong said, "I don't have time. I have to catch a plane!"

Humor jokes-Stock Market fall

The stock market fell by 500 points yesterday. A couple of guys were seen running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.

Sarcastic jokes-Hemingway Hall

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Short funny jokes-History teachers

What do history teachers make when they want to get together ?

Dates !

Funny toons-Stay at cave dad

Adult jokes-By the inch

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?""

Hilarious jokes-Homework time

Sam: "Dad, would you do my math homework for me"?

Dad: "No, son, it wouldn’t be right".

Sam: "Well, at least you could try".

Humor jokes-Out of the game

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.

Doctor jokes-Serious case

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I’ll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three other doctors are there already."

Good jokes-Accountant reading Nursery Rhymes

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:

"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".

Thanksgiving jokes-Arrow escape

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

He had an arrow escape.

Funny jokes-Angry cowboy

A cowboy walks in to a bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone. He shouted," if i don't get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia."

So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did he have in Georgia?

"I had to walk home."

Sarcastic jokes-Begging for a quarter

Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter?

Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

Good jokes-Weaker cells

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Adult jokes-Not the communicative type

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

Short humor jokes-Publicity

Kim Kardashian is insisting that she really did marry for love and not publicity. She said her agent was very clear that a love marriage was the most lucrative, in terms of selling home video rights.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Funny jokes-Hickory hickory dock

Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

Blonde jokes-New cell phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Good jokes-Three inch man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock.

"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w e were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

Short funny jokes-Five days

Q: How do you know you are a pothead?

A: You studied five days for a urine test?

Funny toons-Laying off Mc food

Short humor jokes-Doomed to failure

Kim Kardashian's marriage was doomed to failure from the start because her sister's husband, Lamar Odom, is a much better basketball player than her husband is.

Really funny jokes-Attitude toward whiskey

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Celebrity jokes-Bob Marley's wife

Q: What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the TV?

A: No Woman No Sky.

Short humor jokes-Suggestive behavior

"Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan."
- Jay Leno

Good jokes-Monkey steals beer

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player.

The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer."

The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Sarcastic jokes-Sensitive child

Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

Humor jokes-30 days

Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, "30 days? That's like four marriages!" -Jimmy Fallon

Adult jokes-Not before the doctor's appointment

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."

So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Animal jokes-Grey and brown legs

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Short funny jokes-Made it home

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Limericks-Do tricks

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make them stand up and do tricks.

Humor jokes-Herman Cain

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he's reaching for."
-Jay Leno


"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn't recognize her name or her face...her a*s he kind of remembers..."
-Jay Leno

Hilarious jokes-Gorgeous woman on island

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
A fter they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"Have You built a Golf Course too ?"

Sarcastic jokes-Part in school play

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Good jokes-How many bars?

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!"

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-a*sing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"

Adult jokes-Things not to say while picking up a date

Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Office jokes-Every Monday morning

Humor jokes-Costume trouble

"I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi."
-Craig Ferguson

Finance jokes-Oil company

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it.

"What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.

She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. "I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again.

"Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one."

"How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?"

"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you."

"Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend.

The accountant disappeared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. "I've found you a dividend," he said.

Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed.

The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before.

"I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre."

"Then change back!" said t he oil company, clapping her hands.

"Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."

Sarcastic jokes-Allowed to Vote

Q: Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?

A: Because he can't go into a cubicle alone!

Funny jokes-Rowdy drunks

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet. "Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.

"Yes, it is," the woman replied.

"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"

Hilarious jokes-You gotta be a redneck

You gotta be a redneck if

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”

. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

Humor jokes-Obama's costume

President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.
-Jimmy Fallon

Good jokes-Auditing sheep

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.

"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."

Short funny jokes-Budget

Q: What is a Budget?

A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

Sarcastic jokes-Brain walks into a bar

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asks the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

Celebrity jokes-Gold mines

Q: According to the police in Lima, Peru why are Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian sitting on gold mines?

A: Because human-fat trafficking rings are selling cellulite to European cosmetic labs for $60,000 a gallon.

Funny statements-Alcoholic and drunk

Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

Redneck jokes-Before I flush

You might be a redneck if your grandmother calls you in the bathroom and says..
" Hey Y'all Come look at this before I FLUSH!!"

Humor jokes-7 billion people in the world

"The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced."
-Craig Ferguson

Little Johnny jokes-$80,000 mortgage

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that .. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

Funny jokes-The accountant's prayer

The accountant's prayer:

Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.

Adult humor jokes-Merchants

How merchants do it...

Merchants do it to customers.
Merchants do it in gift wraps.

Office jokes-When can you start?

Humor jokes-Halloween at the White House

"President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers."
-Jay Leno

Celebrity jokes-Guinness book of world records

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the Guinness book of world records the first one says"I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds.

The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds.

The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is Brad Pitt?"

Good jokes-Constipated!

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A: He couldn't jit.

Q: Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.

Adult jokes-Newlyweds

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly,
"What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?

Blonde jokes-Red, black and blue

Q: What's red, black and blue and lies in the gutter?

A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes

Humor jokes-The tuth about philosophy

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Nasty jokes-Get your coat on

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off.

Funny jokes-Into the woods

How did the witch almost lose her baby?

She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

Sarcastic jokes-On holiday

How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?

He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

Good jokes-Evils of drinking

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Humor jokes-Philosophy in exam

I passed my ethics exam.
Of course I've cheated.

Adult jokes-The wheelbarrow

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Funny jokes-Doors 1, 2 and 3

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two.

The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!" "Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."