To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Good jokes - Adult jokes
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Good jokes-Hollywood
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?"
"$50,000", I said.
They called back, "How about $20,000?"
I said, "I'll pay it!"
Friday, December 30, 2011
Funny doctor jokes-Stick out tongue
A man goes to see his doctor.
The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I don't like my neighbors."
Sarcastic jokes-Playing Golf
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt.
I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt.
Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Adult jokes-Change of plan
"Dad, what are you doing?"
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Funny New Year jokes-Uninvited
Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
Hilarious jokes-Olympic swimmer
A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sarcastic jokes-New Year's Eve
On New Year's Eve, Peter was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Peter.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Peter.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.
Good jokes-Awkward date
I went on a first date the other night and it was the most awkward and quiet time of my life, but at least she laughed at a few jokes......i took her to a comedy club.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Really funny jokes-Hit a frog
A catholic priest is driving down a dark country lane, when all of a sudden he hits a frog, the priest gets out of the car to check the frog is okay. Amazingly the frog is still alive. The priest does what any good priest would do and takes the frog home to nurse it better. After several bowls of fly soup and some rest the frog seems to be picking up. The priest tucks the frog into bed and the frog says 'read me a story' as the frog starts to fall asleep the priest tip toes out of the room, the frog wakes and says 'I cant get to sleep without a goodnight kiss', so the priest leans over and kisses the frog, as his lips touch, the frog suddenly turns into an 11 year old boy - and that m'lord is the case for the defence.
Good jokes-Letter box
I once took a girl out who's dad owned a Blockbuster Video. He said she had to be home by 10 but I got her home at half 11 so I had to shove her through the letter box and pay an extra £5.00!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Polite ways to say your Zipper is down
Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Celebrity jokes-Prince William and Kate Middleton
Prince William and Kate Middleton are going to have a fairy tale wedding, much like Charles and Diana's. You know the one where the brakes on the carriage are cut and the prince marries one of the horses.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas jokes-I am a Moth
A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
Obama jokes-End unemployment
Q: Did you hear about Obama's plan to end unemployment?
A: He's gonna expand the NBA to 32,000 teams!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Adult jokes-Great to dance witH
I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of her back. She was pretty funny looking, but she was great to dance with!
Good jokes-Top Ten Signs that you're not Romantic
Top Ten Signs That You're Not Romantic
10. You ask the waiter for a seat near the kitchen so it minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.
9. She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of Jason" t-shirt you got her for your anniversary.
8. You take your date out for dinner that consists of a coupon for free nachos and half price on drinks.
7. Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's so hard to read the sport's page while eating.
6. You apologize with a dozen dandelions.
5. After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by letting the dog lick the plates.
4. You consider pig latin the "language of love".
3. Some say it with flowers, you say it with spark plugs.
2. When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed, you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."
1. "I thought cubic zirconium looked prettier than real diamonds."
10. You ask the waiter for a seat near the kitchen so it minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.
9. She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of Jason" t-shirt you got her for your anniversary.
8. You take your date out for dinner that consists of a coupon for free nachos and half price on drinks.
7. Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's so hard to read the sport's page while eating.
6. You apologize with a dozen dandelions.
5. After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by letting the dog lick the plates.
4. You consider pig latin the "language of love".
3. Some say it with flowers, you say it with spark plugs.
2. When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed, you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."
1. "I thought cubic zirconium looked prettier than real diamonds."
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Celebrity jokes-Authority
Statement: According to the church of Scientology, Tom Cruise is the "authority on the mind"
Punchline: In related news, Weight Watchers stated Queen Latifah is the "authority of food"
Punchline: In related news, Weight Watchers stated Queen Latifah is the "authority of food"
Light bulb jokes-How many Accountants?
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer 1: "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
Answer 2: Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
Answer 1: "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
Answer 2: Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Funny jokes-Serve food
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Christmas jokes-Why Santa can't possibly be a Man
Why Santa Can't Possibly Be A Man
a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Adult jokes-Mountie
Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Good jokes-Precious dish
An art collector is walking through a big pet store where he notices a dirty bad looking cat licking greedily the milk from a dish in the doorway of a store. He takes a very close look at the scene and he notices that the dish is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.
And the owner says "Sold," and passes over the cat to the collector.
"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old dish. This cat is used to it and it will save me having to get another dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry my friend, but that's my lucky dish. So far this week I've sold seventy cheap cats for very high price.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.
And the owner says "Sold," and passes over the cat to the collector.
"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old dish. This cat is used to it and it will save me having to get another dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry my friend, but that's my lucky dish. So far this week I've sold seventy cheap cats for very high price.
Adult jokes-Smoke inhalation
Two firefighters are screwing in a smoke filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Christmas jokes-Anxious pet
"Are you coming to the office Christmas party tomorrow night?" the young man asked his colleague.
"Well" replied his friend "I'd like to but I'm afraid I've got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late."
"Pet?" replied the young man "I didn't know you'd got one. What is it?"
"A centipede."
"A centipede? That's unusual" But that's no problem. Why don't you bring him with you?"
The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home.
On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.
"Ready for the Christmas party?"
"No I'm not" he replied.
"What's the problem?"
"I've been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy's still not ready".
"Percy?"
"Yes, my centipede. For goodness sake Percy, hurry up. We'll be late for the party at this rate."
Percy did not respond.
After a few minutes the colleague called again, but this time he was extremely cross.
"We're fed up with waiting for you. If you don't come right away we're going without you."
"Oh shut up!" an extremely irritated centipede replied. "You know I always have trouble getting my boots on!"
"Well" replied his friend "I'd like to but I'm afraid I've got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late."
"Pet?" replied the young man "I didn't know you'd got one. What is it?"
"A centipede."
"A centipede? That's unusual" But that's no problem. Why don't you bring him with you?"
The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home.
On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.
"Ready for the Christmas party?"
"No I'm not" he replied.
"What's the problem?"
"I've been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy's still not ready".
"Percy?"
"Yes, my centipede. For goodness sake Percy, hurry up. We'll be late for the party at this rate."
Percy did not respond.
After a few minutes the colleague called again, but this time he was extremely cross.
"We're fed up with waiting for you. If you don't come right away we're going without you."
"Oh shut up!" an extremely irritated centipede replied. "You know I always have trouble getting my boots on!"
Sarcastic jokes-Auditors and accountants
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Christmas jokes-Sigs Santa doesn't like your kid
Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid..
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, Dream on, Bucko!
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of Naughty or Nice, Santa has him on the dork list.
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you.
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read Straight from Craptown.
1. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby!
Funny jokes-First man
“Am I the first man you have ever loved?” he said.
“Of course,” she answered “Why do men always ask the same question?”.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Hilarious jokes-New computer viruses
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Christmas jokes-Scrooge loves Reindeer
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Adult jokes-Can people be taken apart?
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the arse off his secretary."
Sarcastic jokes-Foregone conclusion
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Obama jokes-Falling gas prices
Q: Why does Obama think its good that gas prices have fallen?
A: Because now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in!
A: Because now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in!
Funny jokes-Motorway
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says,
"What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
"What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Good jokes-How many stoners
Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!
Limericks-Discover a hymen
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Humor jokes-Oriental
What happens when you take an Oriental person and spin him around?
Well, he becomes disoriented!
Really funny jokes-Old hunter
When the doctor asked him how he was feeling, the 86-year-old said,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
History jokes-The pioneers
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Blonde jokes-Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.
Did it not taste good her mother asked.
I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!
Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.
Did it not taste good her mother asked.
Friday, December 09, 2011
Humor jokes-George Washington 's ID
When they asked George Washington for ID, what did he do?
Well, he just whipped out a quarter!
Adult jokes-Offensive salesman
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!" The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.
The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"
The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"
Funny jokes-Swollen beauties
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Adult jokes-Unbelievably long
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."
"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
Good jokes-Indications that your Girlfriend wants to be a Superhero
TOP TEN Indications That Your Girlfriend Wants to Be a Superhero:
10. She is constantly humming the theme to 'Mighty Mouse.'
9. Refers to her apartment as the 'Bat Cave.'
8. Keeps putting you down with, 'That's not the way Iron Man would do it.'
7. Has two spearguns welded to the front of her AMC Pacer.
6. Always says, 'I'll be back,' before going to the can.
5. Studies cybernetics in spare time because, 'You have to think like the enemy.'
4. She owns two copies of Leonard Part VI.
3. Mutters 'One shot, one kill,' with each belt of Jack Daniels.
2. Enjoys giving 'mortals' tour of her sword collection.
And the Number One Indication That Your Girlfriend Wants To Be A Superhero...
1. Every Thanksgiving, snaps the turkey's neck, smiles at you and says, 'Chefs do that!'
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Children jokes-All girls
When my daughter, Susan, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Susan would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Susan, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Susan, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Funny jokes-Red light
Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Humor jokes-A hunderd dents
I can expect trouble every time my wife takes out the car. The other day, she came home with a hundred dents in the car. When I asked what went wrong, she replied she took a shortcut through a golf range.
Hilarious jokes-The Chinese Laundryman
This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.
A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.
Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.
No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee.
The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.
Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.
Two days later, the man returned.
Well, said the doctor, have you moved yet?
No, sir, me no moovee yet. Me moovee tomorrow, though. House full of sh*t.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.
A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.
Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.
No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee.
The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.
Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.
Two days later, the man returned.
Well, said the doctor, have you moved yet?
No, sir, me no moovee yet. Me moovee tomorrow, though. House full of sh*t.
Celebrity jokes-Romantic interlude
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Monday, December 05, 2011
Adult jokes-Embargo
A Bra manufacturer introduced a new product called Embargo.
He was asked what it meant.
His reply was : The reverse of the word means "O Grab Me"!!
Good jokes-Superman as a stand-up comedian
As much as we love the Man of Steel, we can't deny that he'd make a lousy stand-up comedian.
Just picture this scenario:
Superman: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I just flew in from Metropolis and boy, are my arms tired!
*crickets chirping*
Superman: Ooookay, tough crowd. Anyway, my father can hold up a bus with one hand!
*more crickets chirping*
Superman: Alright, who wrote this junk?!
Chimp: Ooh Ooh ee ah ah ah! (Translation: JUNK?! My writing is pure gold!)
Just picture this scenario:
Superman: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I just flew in from Metropolis and boy, are my arms tired!
*crickets chirping*
Superman: Ooookay, tough crowd. Anyway, my father can hold up a bus with one hand!
*more crickets chirping*
Superman: Alright, who wrote this junk?!
Chimp: Ooh Ooh ee ah ah ah! (Translation: JUNK?! My writing is pure gold!)
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Good jokes-Credit card fiasco
Standing in line at the clothing store counter, I watched as the woman ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card.
The customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.
When she finally returned, the clerk said "I'm sorry, but this credit card is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because our records show he is deceased"
With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to her in line and asked "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today ?"
The customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.
When she finally returned, the clerk said "I'm sorry, but this credit card is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because our records show he is deceased"
With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to her in line and asked "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today ?"
Limericks-Unusual member
There was a young nudist from Denver
Who had an unusual member;
It was stiff as Jello
When the weather was mellow.
But a popsicle every December!
Friday, December 02, 2011
Humor jokes-Jobs for Comedians
Joe Biden gave a statement saying he wasn't sure if he would be running for President in 2016. It goes to show that even though Obama is not doing anything to create jobs, at least Biden is, even if it only jobs for comedians.
Adult jokes-Vibrator problem
A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his arse.
The doc says, "No problem, I'll have it out shortly."
"Oh, no, don't remove it."
The doc says, puzzled, "Then what do you want me to do?"
"Change the batteries, please."
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Adult jokes-Mint flavored pills
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
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